Mark? Hey, it's me Lauren. How are you? Great, great. Listen I have an idea I wanted to throw your way. Is that cool? You got time? Awesome.

I know in the past I've confessed my undying love for your money you. And I've begged for you to buy me purses, and shoes and an entire football league.

But now I have a better proposition for you:

Make Mandy and I MMA fighters.


Let that soak in.

Do you see it? Mandy and I are under no contract to the UFC. We have never even done any kind of fighting (besides in a bar) on television. Stay with me here Marky, Mandy and I (or Red the Destroyer and Juggs of Death) walk out to some Eagles of Death Metal (or some TATU if you wanna play off on that lesbionic vibe we give off) and wind and fog machines errupt around us.

You're seeing it now aren't you? Lauren and Mandy: Bringing HDNet Death by Sexy. Red the Destroyer will wear black/red shorts and I will wear black/pink. Our tops? What tops? We have to wear tops to fight? It was part of our strategy to go topless to distract the male fighters.

What do you mean you'd want us to fight women? No go. We want to fight big, sweaty, fierce, muscular, aggressive men. And if we have to wear tops I insist they be of the bikini and/or lingerie variety. Deal? K.

The only other thing is...we don't know any sort of martial arts. At all. So we're gonna need to be able to fight with weapons. Of our choosing. My signature weapon has always been the broken beer bottle. Mandy's weapons depend on her mood. She has wielded throwing stars, a crossbow and an axe in the past. So we will need all of these available to us.

Great. I hope you're writing all of this down. We've also invented this crazy weapon called "The Beermerang." It's a boomerang shaped beer bottle that you throw and when it comes back to you, you drink from it. I could also see me breaking it on my head and threatening opponents with it, you know, for show.

Artist rendering of what Beermerang would look like

Do we have these? Well, not exactly. We have them in our minds.

*Beep Beep*

Is that your line? Or was that mine? Is someone trying to beep in? Oh it's you? Yeah I'll hold.

No that's cool, you're a busy man. So what do you think? I think it's gold. Solid gold. You down for it? Awesome. Mandy and I can come over, all oiled up, ready to do battle and show you some of our weapons of sexy destruction. That cool? Great. Well thanks for your time Mark. I'll see you later? Ok. Buhbye.

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