For some reason unbeknownst to me Lauren insists that I am in love with Chris Kaman. Although, given his model good looks and the sexy coiffures he sports, how could she not assume I was infatuated with the man?

Since I'm so totally enamored with him, you can imagine how thrilled I was to discover that he has a blog. It's not quite as crazy as Gilbert Arenas' blog, but he does give us insights into his trucking company Kaman Transportation, his movie reviews (he liked the Devil Wears Prada), and his much talked about haircut from earlier this season. Plus there are plenty of photos to add to my collection of masturbatory material. Sweet.

Also, Mavs fans can check out Jerry "Cro-Magnon Man" Stackhouse's blog. There's a link to video of him singing the national anthem at a Mav's home game that you should check out if you missed it the first time. Brother's got soul.

[Thanks to the sexy stallions over @ The Big Lead for this gem]

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This is old news, but I just found out about it, so sorry if you've seen it before. Just tell me I'm a douche and move along.

Ultimate Fighting Champion Chuck Liddell was up in my hood to promote the movie 300 (a movie he is not in and had nothing to do with) earlier this month and well, to put it lightly, he was out of his mind. He paid a visit to the show Good Morning Texas (I live in Dallas and have never heard of this show) and graced us with the mumbling train wreck below. You can literally smell the booze through your computer screen. Host Gary Cogill was not amused.

Chuck then moved his drunken antics to the Dallas radio program The Jagger Show where he acted like a damn fool and spent a good portion of the show in the bathroom puking his guts out.

I'd make fun of the guy, but even with a blood alcohol content that would make Jerramy Stevens blush, he could still kill me with his bare hands. In under three seconds.

Liddell mentioned on the Jagger Show that he had been out partying the nite before, but his handler's official excuse was pneumonia. Yeah, I tried that excuse before but my boss said that pneumonia doesn't make you urinate yourself, hit on your 60 year-old coworker, or take sexually suggestive photos of yourself with office supplies. Or should I say my ex-boss.

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Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk

NBA Names New Foul After Rasheed Wallace

Nation Healed By Awesome Sports Highlight

[And more on the slide show found on The Onion. Via College Humor]

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Mandy and I mention "getting out whataburgered" a lot. We realize some of our readers who have never seen this commercial have no idea what we are talking about.

Here. Enjoy:

[Shout out to Trenton for getting this stuck in our vocabulary]

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Mike Modano.

I'm pretty sure the picture gives enough reason as to why Mandy and I must change our panties after watching Stars games.

But in case that isn't enough he also notched the 505th goal of his career the other night to extend his record for U.S.-born players. He now has 20 goals, 19 assists and 39 points in 53 games this season.

Unfortunately he's engaged to Willa Ford. She’s hot, but I know for a fact I saw at least 4 way more hot girls on my way to school today. I also passed 4 mirrors en route. Coincidence? I think not.


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One word: Streetball. There is a guy named "Spyda" involved so you know it's good. [Inside Hoops Dot Com]

Southpaw NYC has a funny cartoon about Sportscenter. The scroll is my favorite. [Youtube]

Dirk's injury caused him to miss his 15,000th point last night. Again, I apologize for the fact that I am so good looking he couldn't stop thinking about me. It's a curse, really. Why God did you have to curse me with this face? And these amazing boobs? WHY? [DMN via Mavs Money Ball]

And in other random sports news: Erin Andrews and I were in the same sorority.

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If you've ever wondered what a hot piece of man meat looks like after one too many Smirnoff Ice's then just take a gander at these:

Oh David. You have the Drunk Eyes. I know them well. My friends can tell how drunk I am by looking at my eyes, too. They can also tell how drunk I am by how many times I've flashed my boobs and broken a beer bottle and threatened to "Fucking kill you!"

Poor Posh. All it took was the smell of Beck's bitch beer to get her drunk.

And why the hat Becksy-Poo? I know you are fashion forward and model gorgeous and all...but that's just fugly. I'd still let you tap it with the hat on, though.

[Source is the hilarious Dlisted]

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Remember Scott Wiese, the idiot Chicago Bears fan who made a bet to legally change his name to Peyton Manning if the Colts won the Super Bowl and then actually decided to go through with it when they did? Some might say he's a man of honor. I'd say he's probably a load his mother should've swallowed. To each his own. Thankfully, somebody with some sense stepped in to let Mr. Wiese know that the things you agree to when drunk are not legally binding.

I'm a dipshit!

Wiese said that Macon County Circuit Judge Katherine McCarthy told him the name change was too confusing and risked infringing the privacy of the football player.

Wiese had gone through with the legal name change attempt to fulfill a bet with friends. The 26-year-old Forsyth man - a diehard Chicago Bears fan - had pledged that if his beloved team lost in the Super Bowl, he would change his name to the player who led the Indianapolis nemesis to victory.

''I had told the judge that I was not doing this because I wanted to change my name, but I was doing it because I was honoring a bet,'' Wiese said. ''I think she understood that.''

His lawyer and friend, Andy Bourey, thought going in that Wiese had a 50-50 chance of getting away with the name change.

''The judge had to do a kind of balancing test, to see if the reason he was changing his name was outweighed by the consequences of what he was changing his name to,'' said Bourey, 30. ''She was really good-hearted about it all, and I think she had a little bit of mercy for him because I am sure she knew this wasn't something he was excited about doing.''
Thank God for people like Katherine McCarthy. I often wish I had my own Judge McCarthy to prevent me from making terrible, terrible decisions on a regular basis. Maybe if she'd been with me tonite perhaps I wouldn't have woken up in Mexico covered in blood with a bottle of tequila in one hand and an Oingo Boingo cd in the other. Just maybe. I'm kinda fuzzy on the details, so if anyone's looking for me, particularly la Policia, I'm definitely not sitting at home in front of my computer.

[via AOL Fanhouse]

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Mavs for 60. I wrote this sweet rhyme for Diop. And by wrote I mean completely ripped off Snoop Dogg.

When the D’s in the paint ma
Diop it like it's hot
Diop it like it's hot
Diop it like it's hot
When the Bucks try to get at ya
Dunk it like it's hot
Dunk it like it's hot
Dunk it like it's hot
And if a Nugget get a attitude
Diop it like it's hot
Diop it like it's hot
Diop it like it's hot
I got the sweatband on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon
And I roll with GGS cause I got it going on

Thanks to the Boss Dogg. Yeah, I had to do that.

But in all seriousness Dirk got injured tonight. And I think I know why. He was thinking of me and got distracted. I guess not spending every waking hour with me is harder than I thought. Damn you injury causing good looks. Damn you.

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According to the Dallas Morning News' Mavericks Blog, the Mavs are bringing in Kevin Willis "for a workout on Thursday to find out if he might be a viable option for their vacant roster spot."

Now, not to knock Kevin Willis' talent - he's a mean rebounder- but I remember Kevin playing for the Houston Rockets back when I still lived there (in '96-'98 and '01) and I remember him being old even then.

Yeah, a quick check of the facts shows that Kevin will be turning 45(!) this September. Which makes him 4 years older than Dikembe Mutombo, the league's current oldest player, and way older than Robert Horry.

Willis retired at the end of the '04-'05 season and if he were to return this would be his 21st season in the NBA.

Wow, I really hope this is true just for the geriatric joke fodder it would provide, but if the Mavs already seemingly passed on Reggie Miller and Scottie Pippen can't break back into the game then what chance does Kevin Willis have?

Also, this really doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I just wanted to point out this fun bullet I noticed in Willis' player bio:

*Majored in fashion design at MSU

I'll spare you the John Amaechi gay joke. Just this once. But only because 80% of my recent posts have including gay jokes. Time for some new material.

[Thanks to TrueHoop for the Robert Horry fun]

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A tip of the hat to Deadspin for bringing to our attention this lovely little reenactment of the Pacman Jones saga starring the original Pacman in the title role of The Rainmaker.

Good stuff. Looks like somebody just ousted our old favorite video involving Pacman.

That's what you call getting out Whataburgered.


I just posted yesterday that the Indianapolis Colts were trying to give the Cincinnati Bengals a run for their money in the arrests department. Apparently Chris Henry was reading and saw this as a challenge.

Henry was ticketed in Cincinnati on March 21st for driving with a suspended license, not using his turn signal, and not wearing his seat belt. As it would turn out, Henry is still on probation in Kentucky for one of his (many) prior arrests and could face 88 days in a Kentucky jail for violating said probation.

Chief prosecutor Ken Easterling of the Kenton County Attorney's Office said Tuesday a conviction on those charges would be enough to revoke Henry's Kenton County probation and send him back to jail to serve the rest of his 90-day sentence.

In Kenton County, Henry pleaded guilty Jan. 25 to providing alcohol to minors. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail but he served two days and the rest of the time was probated.

That means Henry didn't have to serve that remaining jail time if he stayed out of trouble.

Henry, 23, was driving a 2005 Cadillac Escalade at 4:32 p.m. March 21 when Cincinnati police pulled him over.

If Henry is convicted of any crime in Hamilton County, the Kenton County Attorney's Office would seek to revoke his probation in Kentucky, Easterling said.

It's good to see Chris Henry about to face jail time again. How long has it been? Two months? I was starting to think that Marvin Lewis had finally gotten control over his organization and the Bengals were going soft. But leave it to Chris Henry to restore order and balance to the universe. You've got some catching up to do now Colts. Chris Henry ain't gonna make this easy.

Why have they not changed their uniforms to black and white stripes yet?

[AOL Fanhouse, USA Today]

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When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we (like most girls) dream of that perfect guy out there just waiting to sweep us off our feet...okay, that's a lie. Lemme try this again...

When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we dream of those perfect guys out there just waiting to have amazing sex with us. There. That's more like it. So in the hopes of reeling in one of these fine specimens that we wanna lay we're sending them love letters. This week it's our favorite hot relief pitcher from our Texas Rangers:
CJ Wilson

Dearest CJ...

If there was one man in all of Ameriquest Ranger Ball Park in Arlington that we wanna get with, it's you my friend. It could just be the uniform but you've got a mighty fine ass. And seeing as how we're not really the most romantic girls in the world how about we just be frank with you:

We could use a pitching lesson. You bring the bat and balls, we'll bring the glove. The love glove.

We have a lot of things in common:

-You have a 4.06 ERA. We have great DSL.
-You play for the Rangers. We watch the Rangers.
-You are from Newport Beach, CA. My grandma smokes Newports.
-You have 3 first names (Christopher John Wilson). We have three things we could do to you that would make you forget all of your names.
-You love Guitar Hero, tattoos, and Animal Planet. We love Guitar Hero, tattoos on you, and Animal Planet. (No joke here)
-You bat left and throw left. We're ambidextrous. Think about the possibilities.

We're willing to look past the fact that you are Straight Edge if you are willing to look past the fact that we are okay with sex in public places. We can also look past the fact that because you are Straight Edge you don't drink, if you can look past the fact that we drink enough to make David Wells look Straight Edge.

So bring your live fastball and hard sinker over to our place, CJ. I'm sure we'll be able to help you sink your hard bat and we'll be sure to mind the fastballs, too.


Lauren and Mandy xoxo

(Info on this weeks object of our desire was found here)

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Except maybe a 60-foot buzzer beater to tie the game and send it into overtime.

Hells yeah. And don't worry, this was no Jerry West buzzer beater, the Pistons pulled it out against the Denver Nuggets in OT (113-109) thanks to Rasheed Wallace and the insanity shown above.

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This was rather overlooked amidst the Joe Theismann drama today, and overshadowed by the continuing legal woes of Pacman Jones, but on Sunday Dexter Reid became the second Indianapolis Colt to be arrested since the Super Bowl.

Reid, a Norfolk native, was driving a black 2004 GMC SUV when he was pulled over at 4:32 a.m. in the city, police spokesman Sgt. Brian Ricardo said. While officers were investigating, they found a hangdun and marijuana in the vehicle, Ricardo said. Reid, 26, was cooperative with officers, who charged him with first-offense possession of a concealed weapon and with a felony charge of possession of marijuana."

Fellow Colt Dominic Rhodes was arrested for DWI and pissing all over himself just over a month ago. And while he didn't get himself arrested, Dallas Clark was recently ejected from a girls high school basketball game for harassing the refs. Nice.

They've got a lot of ground to cover to keep up with the Bengals, but the off season is shaping up pretty nicely so far. What's next? A Peyton Manning- Kenny Chesney sodomy charge?

*Ok, enough with the Peyton Manning gay jokes for awhile. It's getting harder and harder for me to hate the Fetus-Head. Especially after his stint on SNL. He took one of the most decidedly unfunny shows ever and made it good, if only for an hour or two. He's a Super Bowl MVP and a funny, likeable guy, and the best insult I can come up with is to suggest that Peyton, a married man, is a homosexual? Pathetic. That said, you know he's a total fag. Just kidding Peyton, please don't bean me in the head with a football.

Watch the United Way skit again!:

[Thanks to Larry Brown Sports, With Leather]

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Truth be told NCAA coverage makes me yawn. Mandy isn't doing too bad on her Pittsburgh Celebrity NCAA Pool. But I think we both agree that the e-sports world is kind of boring during this time.

I decided that on this rain filled Monday I would instead find some brackets even I could get into.

Luckily is always ready for me.

Their Disney Princess bracket is just what I need. Now, I'm not saying I'm an expert on the subject...but I do know a 5-year-old who is (not mine). And although I can't believe Ariel got taken down in the first round, I am glad to see Belle in the finals. In my humble opinion I think she should triumph over Sleeping Beauty.

And if that is just a little too girly for you, how about's Badass bracket? Round 1 is over, but there is still time to vote in Round 2.

Yes. This will do. I was so excited about this bracket I passed out. But don't worry, it's not a health issue. I pass out all the time. Usually it's because I see my own dead sexy reflection in the mirror. But sometimes it's because Mandy reminds me how awesome we are, and in turn I fall down.

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If Peyton without a shirt wasn't enough, how about the Steelers' nose tackle Casey Hampton to entrance you?

I can't really say much...I may or may not have done the exact same thing Friday night.

And yes. If you search hard enough I'm sure you can find those pictures, too.

Via Drunk Athlete

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Have a good Monday morning. Here are the highlights from last night. Careful with the '300' sketch. He is shirtless. And it is frightening.

And even though I hate what she has on, just look at her legs:

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They made him look kinda attractive in all the drawings of him...must be magic...

Yes, debut. Because I am sure Lorne Michaels is going to ask Peyton to come back and be a cast member. How could he not? We just need to help him not read off the cue cards the whole time.

Oh wow, he's shaking his ass...Peyton break it down! Break it down like the robot you are! With those moves his wife must be completely satisfied in the bedroom. Yes, she must.

Carrie Underwood....sweet little Carrie...WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? Someone teach that girl how to dress and how to walk/stand in heels.

Whoa, Peyton put your shirt on. You have got some crazy weird nipples.

All in all I think it's safe to say that when it comes to SNL Peyton didn't choke. I am glad he made fun of himself a lot. Nothing beats that United Way parody though. I'd put it up if it were on the youtubes but it isn't YET. So listen to some moron try and rap about him instead:

Ok this comes from the comments on NBC's SNL site:

Peyton Manning is too classy for this show. I now remember why I no longer watch SNL
March 24 - 9:01pm PT


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Obvious. I know.

But it's my panties. So I get to pick.

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There has been a disturbing lack of sports news up on the site this week. Coincidentally, there has also been a disturbing lack of sobriety in my life this week. No wait...maybe that's not a coincidence....anyways, I've done my best to round up everything we've totally dropped the ball on for the past week or so. If you haven't read this stuff yet, you 100% should now:

*If you read any of these, check out our e-friend (and object of our affection) Matt's excellent exclusive with John Amaechi. [With Leather]

*On the flip side, Tony Dungy is pretty unrepentant about not liking the gays. Which leads us to ask, "Dude, what about Peyton?" [also With Leather]

*You probably heard that J. Peezy got into a fist fight w/ Levi Jones in Vegas, but did you read the hilarious transcript of the brawl? [The Big Lead, The Mighty MJD]

*A Flickr stream of NBA players and hos. [Via FreeDarko]

My personal favorite:

Kaman loves fat hos

Chris Kaman and some of his biggest fans. hardy har har...

*Greg Oden: hard-fouler, nice dancer. [AOL Fanhouse, Drunk Athlete]

*Bill Cowher + Bill Shatner = my dreams finally coming true [Mondesi's House]

*If you ever wanted to see Pops Mensah-Bonsu dancing while opening Xmas gifts or dancing at Walmart then this = your dreams finally coming true [D.C. Sports Blog]

*Eli Manning and Jeff Garcia are getting hitched. Surprisingly, not to each other. [AOL Fanhouse]

*Ryan Dempster is a Harry Caray impersonator, ninja. [Sports by Brooks]

*KSK still hilarious w/ their NFL Family Circus parodies, off season adventures of Michael Vick, and instructions on how to deal w/ neighbors like Jerramy Stevens. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

* I love Ozzie Guillen. [Deadspin]

*Polygamy in the NCAA [AOL Fanhouse]

*Tony LaRussa got a DUI [Deadspin]

*Gilbert Arenas is crazy. [We are the Postmen]

*Khalif Barnes arrest video. [AOL Fanhouse]

*Mark Cuban thought about selling the Mavs after the finals last year. [Via Mavs Moneyball]


If you've already read all this sports news, then read about our non-sports related (but still alcohol-related) exploits at Dallas' "hottest club." [Dallas Observer, written by the criminally sexy Andrea]

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Mandy and I are not dumb. We know why you come here.

NCAA brackets? No not here...Daily around the clock coverage? Nope...we drink too much for that...

Yeah, we know why you're here...but how to keep your interest?



Just go here. Thank you College Humor.

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When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we (like most girls) dream of that perfect guy out there just waiting to sweep us off our feet...okay, that's a lie. Lemme try this again...

When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we dream of those perfect guys out there just waiting to have amazing sex with us. There. That's more like it. So in the hopes of reeling in one of these fine specimens that we wanna lay we're sending them love letters. We start out with our mutual crush:
Matt Ufford of With Leather.

Our dearest Matt,

It's hard to put into words just what we feel for are a rare gem in this world full full of...ah fuck it.

Look we're just gonna put this out there.

If you like it you can take it, if you don't, send it right back:

We want you to be on us. Yes, US.

We can bend in ways you can’t imagine. You know Cirque du Soleil? We make them look like amateurs when it comes to contortion.

You know that one scene from Wild Things? With the two girls? And the Matt Dillon? Yeah, this will be like 294891324.353 times hotter.

I don't know if it's your wit, your being a former marine, or your being hot…(but it's probably your being hot) that make us want to make sweet-hot-passionate-long lasting-great tasting-sweaty-crazy-illegal-in-48-out-of-50-states sexy time with you.

I could go into all the reasons why this would be amazing for you. But I won't waste your time. Just look at this equation:

So bring your paleness on over and meet our paleness. Because I know we may never be able to dethrone ScarJo in your heart or your rankings...but at least for one moment...we would like to think that both of us combined could get rid of that one note actress with the great rack. Because hey, two great racks are better than one.


What's that Scarlett? Oh yeah. You just got out Whataburgered.

With all the love that we posses,

Lauren and Mandy xoxo

(and don't worry there will be more love letters! it's not just him that we want to sleep with!)

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We made it. We survived getting Sake Bombed, fire (Inflammable means flammable? What kind of a country is dis?), road rage down 35, pawn shops, the San Antonio policia, Spurs fans, and hurricanes.

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Well, Lauren and I have yet again confused St. Patrick's Day with Cinco de Mayo (how do these things keep happening?!), so we'll be spending the rest of the week in San Antonio. Coincidentally, the NCAA Tournament officially kicks off today, so you'll have plenty of sports action to keep you occupied while we're gone.

My bracket for the Pittsburgh Celebrity Blogger NCAA Pool should be up on Sportsocracy pretty soon should you feel the need to mock me mercilessly or to further question my already questionable judgment.

We'd like to wish everyone a Happy St. Patty's Day - and you kids stay safe. We'll just be trying to stay out of jail. We'll be back on Monday, or whenever our hangovers clear.

You hate to see us go, but you love to watch us walk away.

We've given you plenty of T, so we thought it was time for some A. Jeff Reed heartily approves. What's that Jeff? You like what you see on the left? Yeah...that's all me baby....

So 'til Monday friends. If any crazy shit goes down over the weekend, we damn well better be reading about it in our inboxes.

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Tomorrow Mandy and I will embark on a road trip to see the long lost Tiffers.

I'm driving so there is a good chance of death.

In the event that Mandy and I should die, Tiffany knows what to do. But if for some reason Tiffany is unable to carry out our final wishes, you people are responsible.

#1- I want a full viking burial. But at a lake. I would like my fiery corpse to be pushed out to "sea" whilst out of one loudspeaker blares The Beach Boys' "Wouldn't it be nice?" (Oddly enough I also want this played at my wedding (in the far future).

#2- Mandy wants her corpse (not her ashes, her entire corpse) to be fired out of a cannon over my fiery corpse while simultaneously out of another loud speaker blares The 1812 Overture

#3- We want fireworks. LOTS of fireworks

#4- Instead of portraits of us, we want our GGS profile pics of our boobs to be used

#5- Tiffany is to give a moving eulogy/performance piece*

*preferably an interpretive dance to Boston's "More than a Feeling"

#6- Instead of a 21 gun salute, we want a 21 shots of the liquor of your choice salute

#7- In place of headstones we have requested that a stone bench be placed near the spot we met our watery grave. We want something engraved on it à la Johnny Mercer's gravestone in Savannah as described in "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". (Tiffany knows what I'm talking about, if you don't LOOK IT UP)

Thanks friends. See you on the other side...

(Try not to miss us too much!)

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Supposedly this is old news, but seeing as how I don't read "books" it's news to me. And it's been making the rounds on the interweb today, so apparently I wasn't the only one shocked to find out that Shaun Alexander was a virgin until marrying Valerie Boyd in 2002.

In fact, Shaun states in his autobiography Touchdown Alexander: My Story of Faith, Football and Pursuing a Dream that he never even kissed Boyd until he heard the words "You may now kiss the bride." They dated for 2 years before getting hitched. Valerie looks like this.

I don't even know how that works. I would guess Shaun Alexander was a eunuch (or a liar), but--another fun fact I learned today--he has two children. So I can only assume that Shaun was put on this earth merely to counter the explosive sexual force that is Rex Grossman.

Via AOL Fanhouse

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Like right now. I just watched it. Hells yeah.

Inching up on that record.

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If professional drinking were officially recognized as a sport, Lauren and I would have blogged about our weekend. Unfortunately it is not, so sorry for our protracted absence. Lucky for you, not too much interesting went on in the world of sports while we were gone...except:

*Drew Brees decided to tempt his off-season fate once again by flying with the Blue Angels.

*Pacman Jones was involved in yet another incident.

*The rapist became the raped.

*And some bracket thing or another came out. I dunno, supposedly it's a big deal and supposedly I'm involved. Which should be hilarious.

This isn't sports news, but Brad Delp, the lead singer of Boston, died on Friday. Which means that Lauren and I will be in mourning for at least the greater part of the week. If we don't post as much as usual, blame God. It's more than a feeling damn it.

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Mavs win #17.

Not much to say on this end (I think you all know how Mandy and I feel about stats, and how I feel about the Mavs), and I'm really fuckin' tired (I did recently have a birthday, you know).

But we'll get to see Don Nelson again. The last time I saw him he was drunk and holding himself up on a fence rail slurring about something. Don is like that crazy uncle who drinks too much boxed wine at grandma's house and yells out "Shut up! I am your master! I will urinate wherever I want!" Oh, Uncle Don!

Sidebar: Harris' nickname is officially "Air Force Two". And now Josh Howard needs a new one. J-Ho just isn't cutting it anymore. Jason Terry has a good one (JET) and Dirk has multiple ones (Dirkinator, The German, My sweet, sweet Strudel (okay just me)).

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Carmelo Anthony and his MTV VJ fiancé LaLa Vazquez brought a baby boy, Kiyan, into the world today.

On Tuesday, following the Nuggets' 106-91 win over the New Orleans Hornets, Anthony, 22, had told reporters that Vazquez was to have labor induced that night. "The anticipation is always high this time when you're about to have a baby and about to be a father," he confessed to the Rocky Mountain News before heading to the Denver-area hospital.

Kiyan? Really? I would've gone with Carmello Jr. Cause that is like one of the coolest names ever.

In other pregnancy news: I am now knocked up with Tom Brady's child.

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Not only is today my birthday, but today is the day Mandy sent me the music video of Tony Parker rapping.

Yes. Tony. Parker. Rapping.

As anyone who knows me can tell you, there is nothing that brings me more joy in this world than making fun of Tony Parker. I respect him as a basketball player and all...but he makes it really really really easy. Not only is he French (I speak French), not only is he engaged to an annoying whore (Eva), not only does he kind of sound like a downy when he talks because of his accent (c'mon you know he does) and not only is he on a team that rivals my Mavs (Spurs), BUT NOW HE RAPS!!!! YES!

"Oh bonjour! J'mappelle Tony Park-hur! Oh la la!"

This is seriously the greatest present anyone could have given me. And the big giant bow on top is when Tim Duncan appears at 1:56. He still looks confused.

"I'm Tim Duncan...where am I? In a rap video? I am so high.....I have no idea what's going on right now..."

I just wish you all could be here right now to actually see the impression. It's GOLD. Comedy gold.

VIA WBRS sports blog

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So, I just got back from watching Zodiac. Good flick, I recommend you see it by the way, but throughout the movie I kept getting distracted by this thought:

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Is it just me, or was Dermot Mulroney born to play Peyton Manning in Choke: The Peyton Manning Story?

The facial features are shockingly similar (even more so in Zodiac because Mulroney's hair is lighter in it), I mean seriously, just slap a cap and a stupid smirk on the photo of him above and you'd have Petyon. And let's just say that Mulroney's already proven himself capable of convincingly portraying a gay man.

Now, who to cast as Kenny Chesney?

(Bonus points to anyone who Photoshops Dermot as Peyton. I'm too tired.)

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I'm so glad that after 16 wins the Mavs are getting more respect. The respect they deserve. The Mavs are on top.
And that's how Mandy and I like it.
On top.

I've had a busy week at school so here is what some other people said about them:

We’re not ready to start talk of the Mavericks never losing again, but seven players scored in double figures and Dallas won its 16th in a row. - The Big Lead

It was the Mavericks' 16th straight win, and clinched them a playoff berth
(whew!). - Deadspin

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Well, it looks like the Joey Porter free agency story played out way less interestingly than it should have. Booo-ring. Joey won't be heading over to any of the Steelers' AFC North rivals, thus denying us the awesome spectacle that Joey jawing his former teammates on- field at least twice a year would have been. And even though his teammates were pretty upset about his release, Joey for once was pretty level-headed and had nothing negative to say about being let go. Maybe because he knew he'd soon be making mad cash in Miami.

Porter agreed to a five-year, $32 million contract that includes $20 million in guarantees.

Nice. But was his move to Miami purely for money? I should think not. As you may well remember, there was quite a bit of talk a few months ago about Bill Cowher eventually taking over the coaching spot in Miami. You may also remember that Bill Cowher is a notorious lover of black gentlemen. (And I mean that in the most sexual way possible.) And, of course, who could forget this?:

My friends, the evidence is overwhelming. Expect to see Peezy and Bill walking their pitbulls together and taking many a romantic golf-cart ride along the beach in the near future. Speaking of which, miniature ponies of Miami - watch the fuck out!

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HOORAY PAPER DOLLS!!! I love paper dolls. A few summers ago Mandy and I (along with our gorgeous third) played on this site with young actresses and did our best to make them look quite fugly.

Well here I sit waiting to see the Beastie Boys on a rerun of Conan and what am I doing instead of studying? Yeah. Enjoy.

UHOH! Love triangle...Bridge is still wearing Tom's signature scarf and her head is huge. Look at the melon on that one. HEEEAD! MOVE! Looks like Gisele is hearing wedding bells. She still must not have seen his dick. This is what I imagine Mr. GQ wears around the house. What's up ladies? It's his dick in a football.

From L to R:

*ScarJo. Just for the hotness that is With Leather.
*XTina. I am particularly proud of this outfit.
*Posh Beckham. This looks NOTHING like her. This doll doesn't have crazy straight blond hair, orange skin, and alien like posture. And she NEVER smiles. Oh well. I put her in Steelers black and gold for Mandy.
*Anna Kournikova. Uh, she plays tennis and therefore it makes sense for her to be here. Her clothes were fugly so I just picked something ridiculous.
*Uhm...well...last week when Will Leitch was pictured on KSK one of the commenters said he looked like the guy from Panic! At the disco. Well, this is my "Will as guy from P!ATD." For the record: Will, you are WAY hotter than this paper doll. Muah!
*And no paper doll post would be complete without the future Mrs. Tony Romo, Carrie Underwood. Her clothes were also really fug.

Let it be known that these paper dolls have no reflection on my own personal style. I dress WAY sluttier and WAY trashier.

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Mandy already posted the link to the Scooby Doo commercial, but here is the much more dramatic "Nothing is Impossible" video.

Here's the interview:

And a behind the scenes type thing:

He could film a commercial where he picked his nose for 32 seconds and I would soak up every second of it. Too bad he's married...

Hey David: Time to drop that size zero and go with a hero. Hi-oh!

VIA: Oh No They Didn't! and Youtube

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Meh, it's Monday so I'm just kinda phoning it in today. Going back to work after the weekend was enough to kill my spirit and quash any potential creativity I could have brought to you. So here's what everyone else is up to:

Peyton Manning's Super Sweet 16 [Deadspin]
Vocabulary Lessons with Pacman Jones. Yikes! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Worst dunk ever. [YouTube by way of True Hoop]
Kevin McHale best general manager in...what? (On a side note, if the list had been changed to drunkest general managers in sports Donnie Nelson would have moved up a spot or 40) [Forbes]
Ron Artest moves from animal neglect to domestic violence [ESPN]
A Steeler got arrested. And it wasn't Santonio Holmes! Or a pissed off J-Peezy!
David Beckham hurts knee, shills for Adidas with Scooby Doo. [AOL Fanhouse,]

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WBRS Sports Blog posited the same question today, and Bentley Green is here to tell you the answer to that question is HELL and YES.

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15 in a row, mother fucker.

OOOHHH yeah...can you feel that???

Girlbonerville. Population: ME.

To the rest of the NBA (SUNS INCLUDED*) I send you the immortal words of a one Mr. Ronnie James Dio:

"You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark"

*I can't wait until the mavs and suns meet up in what is sure to be an amazing playoff battle. I plan on taking off a week of work and will refuse to take Summer I or II just so I can view it in all of it's amazing dunkalicous glory. I think I just came...

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Tom Cavanagh, of Ed and Love Monkey "fame", was just on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and regaled us with his tale of how he tried to go to Minxx that fateful night in February.

No new details, it actually sounded like he read it straight from here. But the best part of the interview was Conan's questioning the act of "making it rain."

"Do you have like an air gun?"

Well Conan, there were guns involved...but not of the air variety.

And in true Lauren fashion, I posted that just so I could post something else. Tom was there to promote Gray Matters. Yes, the one where Tom Brady's baby mama makes out with rollergirl.

Thank me later. Even if you've seen it on TV. Just thank me later.

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We had our fun with the p33n, well here's some ScarJo for all you boys out there.

She's taking a break from "acting" and boning JTimberlake to create a clothing line for Reebok. “It’s a lifestyle collection. You can go directly from the gym, slip it on [and] go to meet your friends for coffee. [It’s] a mixture of both the ultrafeminine and urban lifestyle.”

Sorry to all you boys out there. No revealing tops, crotchless panties, and no see through fabrics.

Cute shoes, though.

Danke to JustJared.
With Leather broke it here.

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Jake Plummer will be put on the back burner by no man.

I really don't care about Jake Plummer. Although I'm sure facial hair aficionados around the globe are saddened. Because that is quite the mustache. I'm not above saying that I'd ride it. Mandy's hit it. "*Jake Plummer - Had to be replaced by Jay Cutler mid-fuck."

I've only posted this to tell these stories from both Mandy and I. In regards to the Broncos:

One day at work a lady asked me a question about something and I passed her off to a co-worker simply for the fact that she had on a Bronco's jersey.

Mandy has done the same.

She almost made fun of a man in a wheelchair at Target once because he had this big stupid Denver Broncos jacket on.

So Jakey-Poo, consider retirement a step up in mine and Mandy's opinion. Kisses, and enjoy your inevitable turn to ESPN. Because that's what all you sports-types do.

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In a move that shocked absolutely no one, the Rooney family continued their tradition of protecting their bottom line above all else and released Joey Porter today. Porter was set to receive a $1 million roster bonus and a $4 million salary this year, which clears out a nice little $5 million space under the salary cap.

People either love Joey Porter or they hate him and I personally fall into the former category. So let's take a look back at all we'll be missing about Peezy now that he's off the team:

The Boot. All the trash-talking and the fines. Particularly for calling people fags. Followed by the issuance of half-hearted quasi-apologies for calling people fags. The irony of Joey Porter kissing a man. Joey's affinity for bucket hats and midriff-baring tops. Joey's way with the ladies. His demands that Billy Bob Thornton tell him about Halle Berry's breasts. His crazy pony-killing pitbulls. Joey getting shot in the ass. Joey showing up drunk and three hours late to his own wedding. His well-documented insanity. And of course...

The personalized J. Peezy golf cart

And that introduction he gave the Pittsburgh defense on Monday Night Football.

The Burgh will miss ya Peezy and I can't wait to hear what you have to say about being let go. I salute you in the only way I know how, by posting a YouTube tribute video created by someone else.

Via Mondesi's House

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This story first surfaced well over a week ago, but we've just been waiting for all of the insanity to keep unfolding before we reported it to you. I think it's actually more accurate to call it a saga than a story now. The mainstream media really isn't giving this as much attention as it should, so you probably haven't really heard about it unless you religiously read sports blogs like we do, and what's news to you...

Well that, and we also happen to be categorically opposed to striking while the iron's hot. We prefer the iron room temperature. Someone might get burned if that iron's too hot. Just ask Captain Safety, who coincidentally, we get 98% of our advice from. So lukewarm news for all! Let the saga begin.

It all began in Vegas on NBA All-Star weekend. Most athletes went there to play/watch the All-Star game. Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones went for the whores. It is Vegas after all, so it's hard to fault Pacman for that, except that by the weekend's end police wanted to "talk to" Pacman about a triple shooting that occurred over the weekend at the Minx Gentleman's Club. Pacman admitted to partaking in the carnal pleasures of the Minx, but denied any involvement in the shooting. Then a surveillance video from inside the club surfaced, showing Pacman punching a stripper and biting a bouncer. Why you ask?

"Susnar recounted the events leading up the shooting based upon his interviews with employees and club surveillance video. He said Jones and his entourage of a half-dozen people had been in the club earlier that night and left without causing any problems. The trouble started when they returned sometime after 4 a.m.

Jones had tossed hundreds of $1 bills on the stripper stage, an action known in street slang as "making it rain." When one of the strippers started grabbing the money without Jones' permission, he got angry, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage, Susnar said.

That's when security guard Aaron Cudworth, a mixed-martial artist with professional fighting experience, intervened and stopped the assault, he said.

"At that point, Pacman said, 'I'm going to kill you,'" Susnar said.

A melee ensued as Cudworth scuffled with Jones and members of his entourage, Susnar said."

Then the fracas apparently moved outside, shots ensued, and one guy ended up paralyzed. A search warrant for the case went public, revealing further details about the case, including the fact that Pacman was hanging out with buddies Nelly and Jermaine Dupri at the Minxx. And those $1 bills in question? $81,000.00 worth.

In case I lost you or missed anything in there, here's this excellent news piece on the debacle. Key quote: Two women allegedly assaulted and three people shot, all over reports of Pacman "making it rain."

What happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas.

Oh, and since the whole strip club incident....Pacman is also facing felony charges in Georgia and even drug dealers are urging him to settle down. Blame it on the rain.

Much thanks to Sports by Brooks for keeping us updated on Pacman's every felonious move.

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