So Cowboy’s training camp started a few days ago. And I realize that many in the blog world, including my partner in life crime, don’t give two shits about that. Well I do.
We’re going to the first preseason game against the Colts and I’m trying to get us geared up and ready. A little over a week ago I read about Phil Garner and his idea to place a voodoo curse on Carlos Zambrano. This got me thinking…what in the black arts could I do to help my beloved Boys this season?
Lucky for me, a framed picture of Tony Romo fell into my lap.
[Shout out to Shaun for the Romo pic. Readers who give us stuff are the tits.]
We’re going to the first preseason game against the Colts and I’m trying to get us geared up and ready. A little over a week ago I read about Phil Garner and his idea to place a voodoo curse on Carlos Zambrano. This got me thinking…what in the black arts could I do to help my beloved Boys this season?
Lucky for me, a framed picture of Tony Romo fell into my lap.
Each night I light candles around it chanting various things about “not sucking” and “not fucking this up.” I kiss it each night before I go to sleep and I occasionally sprinkle it with a potion I made out of High Life (holy water), my perfume (Chanel), Powerade (for the sport liquid), a ground up hydrocodone (borrowed from TO), and a pinch of sea salt (for flavor).
Sometimes I turn the lights down really low and softly play Journey’s “Don’t stop believing.”
So if you do really well this season Tony, you’re welcome. And if you don’t, I’ve wasted good High Life.
[Shout out to Shaun for the Romo pic. Readers who give us stuff are the tits.]
Labels: dallas cowboys, high life, tap dancing on that line between flattery and insanity, tony romo
Yes, Vick got indicted. And dog fighting makes me sick to my stomach.
But thanks to the Ron Mexico name generator I will now use the name Bianca Kiribati when I am seeking treatment for my porn addiction. And when Mandy goes to her doctor to get help for that carpel tunnel injury in her wrist (due to furiously masturbating to Ben Roflsberger's picture) she will use the alias Maria Liechtenstein.
Read more about the indictment here: [Deadspin]
But thanks to the Ron Mexico name generator I will now use the name Bianca Kiribati when I am seeking treatment for my porn addiction. And when Mandy goes to her doctor to get help for that carpel tunnel injury in her wrist (due to furiously masturbating to Ben Roflsberger's picture) she will use the alias Maria Liechtenstein.
Read more about the indictment here: [Deadspin]
Labels: ben roflsberger, geography is fun, mike vick, random
He didn't walk into mine.
Oh to be the lid on that coffee cup.............
And just so I'm not posting pictures of him just to be posting them:
"...it appears quite possible that Beckham will not make his debut for the Galaxy
against Chelsea at the Home Depot Center on Saturday as planned. Everything
depends on the status of his injured left ankle, and on Monday it was still
swollen and sore."
Alright, that's it. I'm on my way to LA. If Becks needs someone to help his ankle get back to 100%, I will offer up my services. I will make another appendage swollen and go until I'm sore.
What do you mean reverse cowgirl doesn't cure ankle injuries?
Pictures from here
Quote source here
Labels: becks, hot, masturbate and cry, sex, tap dancing on that line between flattery and insanity, using sex positions to cure injuries
James Blake
In a recent interview he said this:
"I feel good," Blake told reporters on Friday after being seeded second for the ATP event at the Los Angeles Tennis Center from July 16 to 22. "Being back on the hard court gives me the same feeling as last year coming in to Indianapolis. It's clearly my favorite time of year, my favorite events and favorite surface. "Any time I get that anxious, excited feeling to be on the court, I feel like I'm going to be pretty dangerous."
"I haven't been that really deep in a tournament for a while so it would be a great feeling (to do so next week)," Blake said.
"And I think I have a chance but I'm not going to panic. I'm not going to worry if the first couple (of tournaments) I don't go deep. I know I have the ability to do it.
"It's just a matter of staying patient and being aggressive."
"And I think I have a chance but I'm not going to panic. I'm not going to worry if the first couple (of tournaments) I don't go deep. I know I have the ability to do it.
"It's just a matter of staying patient and being aggressive."
Kekekekekekekek!!!!!1!!!!one!!!!1
Yes, I realize I need to grow up. It was a long, drunken (oh so very drunken) weekend and it's Monday morning. All I want to do is stare at his picture. Anything witty/dirty I could've said was drowned out by the beating of my heart. *swoon*
Labels: case of the mondays, panty creamer, tennis players are so fuckable
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we (like most girls) dream of that perfect guy out there just waiting to sweep us off our feet...okay, that's a lie. Lemme try this again...
When we aren't busy watching countless hours ofporn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we dream of those perfect guys out there just waiting to have amazing sex with us. There. That's more like it. So in the hopes of reeling in one of these fine specimens that we wanna lay we're sending them love letters. This week it's the Dallas Mavericks’ play-by-play announcer, Mark Followill.
NOTE: This love letter may be a bit too localized for some readers. And we know what happens if Red and I get too localized… But fuck it, I write the love letter; I pick who receives it. And you like it.
Dear Mark,
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of
NOTE: This love letter may be a bit too localized for some readers. And we know what happens if Red and I get too localized… But fuck it, I write the love letter; I pick who receives it. And you like it.
Dear Mark,
Your myspace says you were born to talk about sports. Well Mark, I was born to listen to you.
I could listen to that voice of yours read the back of a box of cake mix and be riveted. From your hilarious one liners, “Tips it in the basket with a velvet touch!” “There’s the shot, oooh! Silky smooth!”, to your perfect use of adjectives and verbs, no one does it quite like you do.
I could say something perverted and gross hot, but my feelings for you are too pure. You might even compare them to my feelings for Dirk. (Who, for those of you keeping score at home has been knocked down in the "Rankings of my Heart" to #2. After that Warriors series Matt Damon was able to come in with the steal for #1.)
So instead of my hilarious double entendres, I offer you this song that expresses what I feel:
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't looking but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above, me the play-by-play announcer who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight
If only you could hear my Carly Simon impression live. It’s amazing. I’m almost sure you would fall in love with me if you heard it. If not, I would offer you Chipotle and then I’m sure the deal would be sealed.
I bet you do play-by-play when you’re in bed, don’t you? HOT. Some girls like it when you talk dirty to them, I like it when you talk stats to me. Nothing turns me on more than knowing exactly how many points in the paint the Mavs have made. I’m getting excited just thinking about it…I think I need to be alone.
I’m only a stones throw away from you, whenever you need a little bit of Girls Gone Sports loving…just let me know...just thought I'd throw that out there...
xoxo
Lauren
So instead of my hilarious double entendres, I offer you this song that expresses what I feel:
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't looking but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above, me the play-by-play announcer who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight
If only you could hear my Carly Simon impression live. It’s amazing. I’m almost sure you would fall in love with me if you heard it. If not, I would offer you Chipotle and then I’m sure the deal would be sealed.
I bet you do play-by-play when you’re in bed, don’t you? HOT. Some girls like it when you talk dirty to them, I like it when you talk stats to me. Nothing turns me on more than knowing exactly how many points in the paint the Mavs have made. I’m getting excited just thinking about it…I think I need to be alone.
I’m only a stones throw away from you, whenever you need a little bit of Girls Gone Sports loving…just let me know...just thought I'd throw that out there...
xoxo
Lauren
Labels: lauren has a crush on the most random men, love letters, mark followill, mavs
REMEMBER THAT TIME I SAID I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN?
9 Comments Published by mandy on 7/09/2007 at 13:21.
Well that, like most everything out of my mouth, was a complete and total lie. I returned just long enough to start a racial flame war and now I'm getting the hell out of Dodge and letting Lauren clean up the mess. (Thanks Laur!)
I'll be in my native Pittsburgh for the next week or so, which means only one thing: Ben Roethlisberger's world is about to get rocked. And by rocked of course I mean stalked. (Big Ben News just makes it so easy.) I'll miss you guys, but truth be told, I'm pretty excited about my trip. Turns out a plane ticket is considerably less expensive than what I've been spending on gas and adult diapers on my previous cross-country stalking excursions.
My internet access will probably be intermittent at best, so everything's in Lauren's hands this week. In the meantime, I'm posing this question to you lovely readers:
Basketball and hockey are over and we've got a couple months until football, so I'm desperately bored with sports right now. As I've mentioned before, I just can't really get into baseball. Overweight, out of shape men running around in uniforms that look like pajamas just doesn't do it for me. But I'm trying. I just need a team to get behind.
My football loyalties lie with Pittsburgh. My basketball loyalties lie with Dallas. And my hockey loyalties are split between the two. So where should my loyalties lie in baseball?
Should I root, root, root for the home team, the perilously sucky Texas Rangers? Or should I support the ever so slightly less embarrassing Houston Astros? I lived in Houston for awhile.... I could go for the Pirates since I support all the other Pittsburgh sporting ventures, but what with the fan protests and all I'm not so sure it's the best time to try and be a fan again...I'm moving to Long Island next month so I suppose I could support the Mets, or the Yankees just to be a dick. I could like the Cardinals, Sox, or Tigers just because they're popular. Or I could go for the Brewers because they seem to like beer as much as me. Hmmm...decisions.
Somebody make up my mind for me. Please make this next month interesting.
I'll be in my native Pittsburgh for the next week or so, which means only one thing: Ben Roethlisberger's world is about to get rocked. And by rocked of course I mean stalked. (Big Ben News just makes it so easy.) I'll miss you guys, but truth be told, I'm pretty excited about my trip. Turns out a plane ticket is considerably less expensive than what I've been spending on gas and adult diapers on my previous cross-country stalking excursions.
My internet access will probably be intermittent at best, so everything's in Lauren's hands this week. In the meantime, I'm posing this question to you lovely readers:
Basketball and hockey are over and we've got a couple months until football, so I'm desperately bored with sports right now. As I've mentioned before, I just can't really get into baseball. Overweight, out of shape men running around in uniforms that look like pajamas just doesn't do it for me. But I'm trying. I just need a team to get behind.
My football loyalties lie with Pittsburgh. My basketball loyalties lie with Dallas. And my hockey loyalties are split between the two. So where should my loyalties lie in baseball?
Should I root, root, root for the home team, the perilously sucky Texas Rangers? Or should I support the ever so slightly less embarrassing Houston Astros? I lived in Houston for awhile.... I could go for the Pirates since I support all the other Pittsburgh sporting ventures, but what with the fan protests and all I'm not so sure it's the best time to try and be a fan again...I'm moving to Long Island next month so I suppose I could support the Mets, or the Yankees just to be a dick. I could like the Cardinals, Sox, or Tigers just because they're popular. Or I could go for the Brewers because they seem to like beer as much as me. Hmmm...decisions.
Somebody make up my mind for me. Please make this next month interesting.
Labels: baseball, ben roflsberger, mandy's lying again
Well, now that the dust has settled on the Great Julius Jones Debacle we figured it was time to stoke the embers again and create a wildfire worthy of a Michael Martin Murphy song. In case you happened to miss it last Thursday, Kissing Suzy Kolber featured our entry in the keeper league contest and it kinda got everyone riled up. (The comments have since been deleted, but you can still read the story that started it all.) The fracas then spread to the Nation of Islam Sportsblog, whose fanbase consists solely of Unsilent Majority (we guess it gives him street cred?), and the previously unheard of Liptstick Alley. Honestly, we're still not really sure what the hell Lipstick Alley is (other than a collective of idiot harpies who may or may not be black.) Oh, and it spread to the Deadspin comments too.
Anyways, what seemed to set everyone off was not the story itself, but the mention of the "Darks Mall" and the "grabbing our rape whistles and donning our kevlar" line. I guess this reference was just a little too local for most of our audience as it drew emails from Arlington locals laughing and sharing their horror stories, but just seemed to really piss off everybody else. So allow us to explain.
For some reason every scary local mall seems to have a nickname (like Gunspoint Mall in Houston) and our scary local mall just happens to be referred to as The Darks Mall. Yes, we admit that it is a racist name for a mall, but that is what it's often referred to around here. And not because its patronage consists of law abiding African American citizens, but because it is overrun with teenage black males who spend their time loitering, stealing and starting fights literally every weekend. Fights like this one. Go ahead, look through the slideshow. Let me know how many white people you see.
This is the same mall where women have been raped and/or beaten and mugged in the parking garages and where people have been shot and stores held up at gunpoint. So no, the rape whistles and kevlar weren't too far, they were actually too real. Trust me, I worked there for over a year during high school and college and it was a fucking scary place.
So, apologies if we genuinely offended anyone, but we both find it kinda funny that the people who were outraged by this story were the same ones laughing at things like the Negro Bowl.
As one astute commenter at KSK pointed out, you guys would've all been laughing if it was a gay jab, a sexist joke, an [insert any foreign countryman here] joke, a Jew joke, or all of the above. So chill out. The last thing that should ever be taken seriously is anything you read here or at KSK. For Chrissake look at the things we post on a daily basis. We offend ourselves and probably even humanity.
And as fresh and innovative as you think your Klan jokes and trailer park jokes are, they're not. At all. They just prompt people to respond with equally played out race jokes, because they're equally as preposterous and because they rile you up even further, which is funny because the entire thing is stupid in the first place. And for the record, as a former Catholic I can't join the Klan. Believe me, I've tried.
So in closing, get a sense of humor or get off the Internet.
And Big Daddy Drew - deleting the comments? seriously? Coming from you guys that reeks of hypocrisy on several different levels. The Internet is the last bastion of uncensored media, so don't be gay by censoring it. And don't be black either.
You take away our racial jokes and the next thing you know our porn is gone. And nobody wants that.
Anyways, what seemed to set everyone off was not the story itself, but the mention of the "Darks Mall" and the "grabbing our rape whistles and donning our kevlar" line. I guess this reference was just a little too local for most of our audience as it drew emails from Arlington locals laughing and sharing their horror stories, but just seemed to really piss off everybody else. So allow us to explain.
For some reason every scary local mall seems to have a nickname (like Gunspoint Mall in Houston) and our scary local mall just happens to be referred to as The Darks Mall. Yes, we admit that it is a racist name for a mall, but that is what it's often referred to around here. And not because its patronage consists of law abiding African American citizens, but because it is overrun with teenage black males who spend their time loitering, stealing and starting fights literally every weekend. Fights like this one. Go ahead, look through the slideshow. Let me know how many white people you see.
This is the same mall where women have been raped and/or beaten and mugged in the parking garages and where people have been shot and stores held up at gunpoint. So no, the rape whistles and kevlar weren't too far, they were actually too real. Trust me, I worked there for over a year during high school and college and it was a fucking scary place.
So, apologies if we genuinely offended anyone, but we both find it kinda funny that the people who were outraged by this story were the same ones laughing at things like the Negro Bowl.
As one astute commenter at KSK pointed out, you guys would've all been laughing if it was a gay jab, a sexist joke, an [insert any foreign countryman here] joke, a Jew joke, or all of the above. So chill out. The last thing that should ever be taken seriously is anything you read here or at KSK. For Chrissake look at the things we post on a daily basis. We offend ourselves and probably even humanity.
And as fresh and innovative as you think your Klan jokes and trailer park jokes are, they're not. At all. They just prompt people to respond with equally played out race jokes, because they're equally as preposterous and because they rile you up even further, which is funny because the entire thing is stupid in the first place. And for the record, as a former Catholic I can't join the Klan. Believe me, I've tried.
So in closing, get a sense of humor or get off the Internet.
And Big Daddy Drew - deleting the comments? seriously? Coming from you guys that reeks of hypocrisy on several different levels. The Internet is the last bastion of uncensored media, so don't be gay by censoring it. And don't be black either.
You take away our racial jokes and the next thing you know our porn is gone. And nobody wants that.
Labels: michael martin murphy references two posts in a row?, sorry we didn't get the memo that black jokes are no longer funny, we are being super cereal right now
THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF MANDY, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE KAMAN
5 Comments Published by mandy on 7/03/2007 at 18:42.
So hey guys, what's new with you? What's been going on lately?
What's been going on with me?
Oh you know....nothing much really...just went on a little vacation...Um, it was pretty fun I guess. Went to Branson and saw Michael Martin Murphy. Who doesn't love that song Wildfire, right?
Yeah... and I went to Graceland....That was cool I guess.....umm.....visited Antarctica....thought I saw Bear Grylls ravaging a deer carcass....Weird... Oh, and I went to Hawaii! Or at least I think it was Hawaii... it was tropical and there were 4-assed monkeys running around....
That's Hawaii right?.... And then there was the chicken fa.....y'know I don't really want to talk about this anymore. In fact, let's never speak of this again. What matters is that I'm back and that everything will be back to normal soon.
Yes, everything will be back to normal. You're fine Mandy. It's ok. It was all just a dream. Everything's all right now. You're back home and you're with Lauren and everything is just fine. No one's ever going to hurt you again. Lauren will protect you. Everything's going to be....just....fine. Go ahead, take a deep breath. You're ok. Just breathe. Everything's fine people. I'm back. And everything's fine. I'll never leave you again.
What's been going on with me?
Oh you know....nothing much really...just went on a little vacation...Um, it was pretty fun I guess. Went to Branson and saw Michael Martin Murphy. Who doesn't love that song Wildfire, right?
Yeah... and I went to Graceland....That was cool I guess.....umm.....visited Antarctica....thought I saw Bear Grylls ravaging a deer carcass....Weird... Oh, and I went to Hawaii! Or at least I think it was Hawaii... it was tropical and there were 4-assed monkeys running around....That's Hawaii right?.... And then there was the chicken fa.....y'know I don't really want to talk about this anymore. In fact, let's never speak of this again. What matters is that I'm back and that everything will be back to normal soon.
Yes, everything will be back to normal. You're fine Mandy. It's ok. It was all just a dream. Everything's all right now. You're back home and you're with Lauren and everything is just fine. No one's ever going to hurt you again. Lauren will protect you. Everything's going to be....just....fine. Go ahead, take a deep breath. You're ok. Just breathe. Everything's fine people. I'm back. And everything's fine. I'll never leave you again.
Labels: chris kaman, i might still be catatonic, mandy's one true love, missing mandy, where in the world is mandy sandiego
