Warning: Rant Ahead! Not for the tl;dr crowd! Just head on down the page to the next post!

As I mentioned earlier this week, I've been tormented lately by the thought of a Patriots v. Cowboys Super Bowl. Sure, I know the playoffs are different from the regular season and anything can happen (6th seed!) but as of right now that terrible possibility is still lurking around the corner and I think it needs to be addressed.

Why would this be such an evil Super Bowl you ask? [Ed. Note - Actually you probably didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyways.] Patriots v. Cowboys would be an evil, unwatchable Super Bowl because it pits the two most unlikeable teams in the NFL against each other - there will be no underdogs, there will be no feel good stories, there will be only pure, unmitigated hate - so who the hell are you supposed to root for?

Here are my, and America's, problems with both teams:


Ok, so as a yinzer I'm a little biased here. There was a joke when I was growing up outside Pittsburgh that went "What's your favorite football team? The Stillers. What's your second favorite football team? Whoever's playing the Cowboys."

But notwithstanding that disclosure, the Dallas Cowboys are still one of, if not the most, reviled team in America. This is such an accepted fact that I've heard it casually mentioned at least 3 times during Monday/Sunday Night Football this season alone. (And I didn't even watch all the games!) People have the kind of hatred for the Cowboys that inspires them to write books about it.

Don't believe me? Just do a cursory Google search for "I hate the Dallas Cowboys." You'll see. (Just for comparisons sake, a Google search for "I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers" yields only an interview with Carson Palmer and a website that makes I hate [your favorite team] shirts.)

Sure, their fans are probably screaming "America's Team!" by now and they might even point to that Harris Interactive Poll earlier this year that labeled the Cowboys the most popular team in America, but I'll take the 220,354 person Scarborough Sports Marketing survey that declared the Steelers and the Packers the most popular teams in the NFL (Dallas wasn't even in the top 10) over that 2,392 person, 1,182 of whom follow professional football, Harris Interactive survey. I think even the Campbell's Chunky Click For Cans results are more reliable than that survey.

One of the reasons I think the Cowboys are so unlikeable is because they insist upon themselves. Season after season they declare themselves the greatest team in the NFL, despite the fact that they haven't won a playoff game since 1996. They call themselves "America's Team" when most of America hates them or couldn't care less about them. They proclaim Tony Romo the son of God despite the fact that he's never won a playoff game and has choked hardcore and cost them on multiple occasions. (People sure weren't that kind or prone to hyperbole towards Peyton Manning before he won the Super Bowl.) He's more famous for his love life than his prowess on the field.

Another reason the Cowboys are so unlikeable is because their fans are the biggest assholes in America. Trust me. Just come to Dallas and watch a game with these douchebags. I've had multiple Cowboys fans remark to me that they can't stand to be in a bar with other Cowboys fans - they are just that awful.

The Cowboys fan is a powerful combination of inbreeding and unwarranted arrogance. The only thing a Cowboys fan loves more than the Cowboys would be a deep-fried gun that shoots out Bible verses and prevents women from having abortions. And even then it'd have to be camo and come with a case of Lone Star or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ugh. I have no words to express how deeply I hate Cowboys fans and I can't wait for more unintelligible, semi-literate "Omg Tony Romo is teh best!!!1 Ben Roflsburger didn't wear a helmet and crashed his motorcycle!" comments from those mouth-breathers. It only proves my point.

As for the players, they aren't really any more likeable than the fans. The Cowboys have a storied history of douchey players and hardened felons on their roster - from Michael Irvin to T.O.

Do I even need to mention Jerry Jones or that godawful "How 'bout them Cowboys?" slogan?

It's just impossible to like these guys and get behind them. We'd all rather see them fail. Nothing makes me happier than a disappointed Cowboys fan. Legend has it, every time a Cowboys fan cries, an angel gets its wings.

[Ed. Note - You're probably asking yourself how I can be friends with Lauren, a loyal Cryboys fan. Well, the answer is quite simple. We never discuss our respective teams. We just make fun of the remaining 30.]


There isn't much to say on this front that hasn't already been said. But in short, they're hateable because:

1. They cheat. Repeatedly. And they really don't give a fuck what you think about it.
2. Bill Belichick is the Archdouche of the NFL - he's a smug, conniving, unrepentant, wife-stealing, stupid-cutoff-hoodie-wearing, evil genius. You know you want to punch that shit-eating grin off his face. I sure do.
3. That whole holier than thou "winning with class" bullshit. They talk more trash than most teams.
4. Randy "I play when I want to play" Moss - the T.O. of the Patriots.
5. They've got a monopoly on winning the Super Bowl lately. Fans love dynasties; everyone else hates them. Enough already.
6. Massholes.
7. Did I mention that they cheat?

So yeah, pretty much the only way I could enjoy, or even watch, a possible Super Bowl between these two would be if a meteor crashed into the University of Phoenix Stadium killing all the players, the fans, and Chris Berman.

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  1. # Blogger Beretta

    You gals weren't kidding when you said you were making a comeback at the start of the year.

    And Mandy, please tell us how you really feel. I mean it. Don't hold back on us. :P  

  2. # Blogger Adam

    This comment has been removed by the author.  

  3. # Blogger DBurg

    Wow. "A little biased" doesn't really cover it.

    1. It amazes me that people can still get so up in arms about a team that doesn't exist anymore. Aikman, Irvin, Smith...these people don't play for us. They haven't in a decade. I wouldn't go around making fun of the '07 Steelers because Neil O'Donnell throws more passes to defensive backs than wide receivers. That would be stupid, since he doesn't play for the Steelers anymore.

    2. Tony Romo, Wade Phillips, and Bill Parcells have been outspoken against the "coronation" of Romo as "America's Next Great QB." Just because tabloids follow him around and photograph his girlfriends doesn't make him a terrible person. Tom Brady impregnates supermodels and Brett Favre schills jeans on national television. Does that make them awful human beings?

    3. Every team has fans that are assholes, and fans that are good guys. I've met Steelers fans that were cool, and I've met Steelers fans that were unjustifiably and single-mindedly hateful towards me because I rooted for the wrong team. I'm guessing you're closer to the latter than the former. Since one of your best friends is a Cowboys fan, you probably have experienced a wide range of fandom yourself. Calling everyone from Texas a bunch of inbred hicks because you dislike our football team is just stupid. Pittsburgh isn't exactly the Cultural Capital of the World either.

    4. I haven't heard anyone on the Cowboys refer to themselves as "America's Team" in something like a decade. Sports Illustrated coined that term, not the Cowboys. Nobody uses it anymore unless they're hating on the Cowboys. Again, feel free to hate the mid-90's Cowboys, but they have little-to-nothing to do with today's team.

    5. Jerry Jones is a total tool. You've got us there.

    P.S. We don't drink PBR down here. That's mostly a north-of-the-Mason-Dixon-Line beer. Here, we drink Budweiser (or Lone Star).  

  4. # Blogger mandy

    @ Dburg

    4. I hear it ALL THE TIME. Those are the fans that I hate, and who fit the description above. They're also the same fans proclaiming Romo the next great QB and leaving nonsensical diatribes about it in the comments. They exist. I'm glad to see you're not one of them.  

  5. # Blogger Matt

    I'd call it a win if a really tiny meteor just took out Chris Berman...  

  6. # Blogger John John The Bastard

    @Dburg: You're right, because my neighbor never reminds me that "the hole in the roof of Texas Stadium is so God can look down and watch his team play"

    Also, the one thing I learned from that post is that New Yorkers don't like soup, or more accurately they don't like having their teams logo emblazened on soup cans.  

  7. # Blogger lauren

    I just noticed that Skip Bayless is credited on the cover of that book.

    That book automatically loses all credibility.  

  8. # Blogger Brother Mouzone

    Let the record show that I am a Cowboys fan currently living in Pittsburgh.

    First off, I'm not gonna pretend that there aren't plenty of reasons to hate the Cowboys. Teams that win a lot are generally hated (I remember hating the Bulls), plus the Cowboys were arrogant as all hell (I like to call it "swagger"), not to mention the arrests and all that.

    But let me tell you, it is very, VERY easy to get sick of the Steelers, between the way the local media fellates them, that stupid "Here We Go" song, and Steelers' players complaining every about the refs every time they get knocked out of the playoffs.  

  9. # Blogger JayBandit

    I'm a former Chicagoan living in Pittsburgh, and I'll just say that the Steelers fans are some of the most ignorant people I've ever met. They, like most Cowboys fans think that they are somehow endowed by God to be there.

    If you ask a person from the 'burgh, they will most likely assume any and all cultural idiosyncrasies that exist around them were invented in Pittsburgh...which makes absolutely no sense considering it is a glorified hick down just north of the mason-dixon line.

    That being said, I really like the town, and I loathe the Cowboys. The Bears and their followers are 10 times the fans of the cowgirls and the pathetics...(Superbowl XX???)  

  10. # Blogger Adam

    Why ELSE would there be a hole in the roof?

    But posts like this are what solidifies us as a fan base. The fact that you revel in your hatred for the Cowboys is all the more reason for us to do certain things, like reference 29 playoff appearances in 48 years, a ratio untouched in the NFL.

    Like the 9 consecutive years in the playoffs, eclipsing the second longest streak in history - 8 by the Dallas Cowboys.

    Like having 5 rings.

    But the truth is, you need the Cowboys. The NFL NEEDS the Cowboys.

    There's a reason the NFL has gone from where it was - not even the most popular football played - to where it is now as the most popular sport. That reason is the Dallas Cowboys.

    And the best part - knowing that people like you hate us, only makes us happy. So congratulations, you're making the day for us Cowboy Fans.  

  11. # Blogger gerry dorsey

    for the last 10 years up until this year, hating the cowboys has been about like hating the arizona cardinals. who gives a shit? who has time to hate shitty teams??  

  12. # Blogger Michael

    My dad grew up in Pittsburgh, so I grew up a Steeler fan even though I was living in NJ at the time (late 70s, during which they won four Super Bowls and had a great rivalry with the Cowboys). I later moved to Houston and became a fan of the Oilers (and later Texans), but never lost my "hatred" of the Cowboys.

    Woohoo! Giants win!  

  13. # Blogger Still A. Fan

    giants win giants win giants win  

  14. # Blogger Chad

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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