According to MediaTakeOut.com, who "spoke with a person whose relative is currently incarcerated with Mike Vick in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary" Michael Vick is having a hard time adjusting to life in prison.
The insider explained, "Michael Vick is not in [administrative segregation] - he's right there with the rest of the inmates. A few [inmates] stepped to him when he first got there but everything is cool now ... My [family member] says that he's paying a Mexican gang to keep him safe."
Well who else would Ron Mexico go to to keep him safe besides a Mexican gang? I hope he calls them Ron's Mexicos. And I wonder how many pesos per hour it costs to protect your virgin ruby starfruit....
Ron's right to hire protection though, he's much more suited to playing quarterback than catcher.
All right, I'll quit with the awful jokes. Some things are just too easy. Like your mom.
No, this story isn't about hockey - it's about hilarity.
The coach of the Lockview Dragons, a Canadian high school hockey team, was fired on Wednesday when parents complained that some of his players had changed their bio information in the team program. So why were the parents in such a tizzy over a few bio edits you ask?
One player's bio says he enjoys "some meat between his buns." Another's says he likes hunting and fishing and warns women that he shares his bed with a huge weapon. A third player's write-up says he "could be coming into your mouth sooner than you think as he seeks a profession in dental hygenics (sic) in the near future." Another bio refers to a player's desire to visit pop singer Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. And another caption says a player wants to become a motivational speaker for the hearing impaired.
I don't know what the big fuss was all about - those look pretty much like Lauren and my bios from the Drama Club playbills, except....oh wait....we were in Drama Club, so we really didn't have to try to get people to laugh at us.
But anywayssss....things didn't turn out too badly for the Lockview Dragons because the offensive bios weren't discovered until after the season was already over and their coach was only a volunteer coach anyways.
So, well played Dragons. That's just the kind of low brow, juvenile humor that we endorse around these parts.
[Source] via Deadspin
(And check out the first comment following the article @ the source. It's almost as hilarious as the bios.)
All Terrible Towels will be flown at half-mast. We'll miss ya Myron. Double yoi n'at.
***EDIT***Go to this website: THIS ONE and scroll down to "Mo Egger 2/26 HR 2" and if you move to about the midway mark then it's me. You get to hear me say shit on the version!
And for the record, I am NOT a beer snob. Yes, I do enjoy beers other than domestics, but everyone who reads this blog knows that I'm more of a $1 High Life/Coors Original kinda girl. But hey, like I told him, I like to try new things. You never know what you like until you try it. And I enjoy home brew, so yes, when I am tasting something I do know what I'm tasting.
Thanks again to Mark and Mo for reading us and for the interview! And sorry for dropping that "shit". I was nervous at first and guess I got a little too comfortable!
Okay, now back to regular blogging.
So the boys from Jackass are airing a tribute to Evel Knievel, creatively titled "Mat Hoffman’s tribute to Evel Knievel," this Saturday on MTV. But during the filming of the special, things went awry - or awesome, depending on how you look at it - and Johnny Knoxville was almost castrated by his motorcycle as he attempted to do a backflip.
While testicle injuries and torn urethras would normally make me a little queasy, this just couldn't have happened to a better person. So watch and enjoy!
Sadly, Johnny's balls were saved and he's most likely still able to reproduce.
Bonus: Johnny explaining what happened to Jimmy Kimmel.
[A Message From Johnny Knoxville]
EDIT - We are told there is a mistake in this post. How we could ever make a mistake is beyond me, but anyways here is the "correction" : This footage was shot for the JackassWorld 24 Hour Takeover on MTV beginning noon Saturda Feb 23 thru noon Sunday Feb 24. The takeover is to lead into the full site launch of JackassWorld.com.
Now, I know that Jason Kidd probably hasn't even practiced with the Mavs yet, and they definitely haven't had the time to get into a rhythm with him so we'll have to wait and see how things develop....but that still won't stop me from commenting on his first game with the Mavs. You know everyone else will be talking about it too.
Final Score: Hornets 104, Mavs 93 - but the Mavs were down by a lot more than that for most of the 4th quarter and they played a lot sloppier than the numbers reflect.
Kidd played for 36:41 minutes, was 3-6 from the field (although 50% is good for him!), 0-2 from behind the arc, and 2-2 from the free throw line for a total of 8 points. He added 6 rebounds, 5 assists and 3 steals, but also 6 turnovers. As far how the team fared when Kidd was on the court- the Mavs were -14 in net points when Kidd was playing. So, ummm...that's promising.
Hopefully this crazy plan will start to fall into place with the Mavs playing a bunch of crappy teams in a row to close out February, but they better have it worked out by the time they play the Spurs, the Lakers, the Jazz and the Rockets all in quick succession. Because they're 6th in the West right now and if the team keeps playing as awful as they did tonight the Mavs will be lucky if Jason Kidd even gets them into the playoffs.
The Spurs reenacted a bunch of musical numbers for their Tux N Tennies Charity Event, and lucky for us, the videos have found their way on to the internet. I'd give the Spurs credit for putting on a charity event, but really I just hate them too much. I'd much rather laugh at them. And so should you.
Bruce Bowen in "Flashdance" - probably the scariest of the bunch
Robert Horry in "The Sound of Music"
Tony Parker and Eva Longoria (why must she work her way into everything Spurs-related?) in "Grease"
Li'l Timmy Duncan in Jersey Boys
[Thanks to Fan IQ]
The new deal is:
New Jersey Gets
Keith Van Horn
2008 1st Round Pick
2010 1st Round Pick
3 Million Cash
1.6 Million trade exception
Yeah, it's pretty one-sided and ridiculous. I can't believe we really gave up that much for fucking Jason Kidd, but whatever. I've just had to resign myself to the fact that the Mavs are really pushing for that championship this year even if it means screwing the team in the long run. A lot of people are really digging the trade, but if we don't go all the way this year (which I highly doubt we will) expect everyone to do a quick about-face and start pointing fingers at Mark Cuban and Avery Johnson.
Spurs fans are really loving the trade and saying that there's no way we can beat them in the playoffs now - and I am emphatically opposed to anything that makes Spurs fans happy. They're basically the Dallas Cowboys of the NBA and their fans should all be sterilized.
Eddie Sefko and Mark Cuban himself offer some more thoughtful analysis, but I'll just keep mine to 2 words: This sucks.
Now just for fun, here's a video of Jason Kidd blocking his now-coach Avery Johnson
[Thanks to Mavs Moneyball for all the info]
But this season has some interesting athletes...I guess. Well, not really. But uh, yeah...so here they are:
Jason Taylor -
Can a robot dance? Robot cannot love. Robot have no emotions. Robot sad.
Monica Seles -
I understand that the Ballroom has metal detectors. This is good for her.
Kristi Yamaguchi -
My pick to win. I idolized her when I was like 6. My best friend was asian and we thought she was our Queen. One time, at a book fair in 1st grade I used my allowance to buy a poster of her. My mom got mad at me for not buying a book. Plus, I wasn't allowed to have posters in my room (yes my mother was a Nazi). So instead I put it up in my closet and waited for the day when I would be a figure skater who was able to glide over the ice with the greatest of ease....so thank you Kristi Yamaguchi. If I would have bought that copy of Nancy Drew that I wanted, I might be a detective today. But instead I'm an illiterate blogger who has never even put on a pair of skates.
[list from dlisted]
Labels: dirty dancing
That clip is the very end and it shows one of the other boys is wearing heely's. I would probably try and knock that kid down at the mall. For a better clip visit Jezebel.
Completely unrelated: Did anyone else ever think it was funny how Ginger said "baby" in the Spice World movie? It was like "bay-BUH". I was an avid SG fan when I was in Jr. High. We even went as them for Halloween when I was 13. My slutdom started at a very, very young age.
Oh to be a Super Bowl champion or a supermodel...days of leisure shopping at Roberto Cavalli, fucking each other while telling the other how beautiful and rich they are, being about to use the word "leisure" and mean it...
They'll never know how great it is to be a faceless blogger, sneaking in posts while on the clock at work, ordering the $1 Coors Original at bars because it's the cheapest they offer, dining on the finest value menu you can find, and shopping at only the best Target stores. They don't know how good we have it...*sigh*...
You know that's a lie. At least the one part about being "professional" and "writers" and "knowledge".
Read the interview HERE.
[Jason] Kidd, who turns 35 next month, would go to Dallas with an unmistakable mandate: Bring a title for a team and career that are desperately seeking it. As part of the trade, the Mavericks would also send Jerry Stackhouse, Devean George, DeSagna Diop, Maurice Ager and $3 million to New Jersey. Along with Kidd, the Nets send reserve forward Malik Allen to the Mavs.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What is wrong with the NBA right now? Why would God let this happen??? He had me believing in him for a quick minute after the Super Bowl, but now I just don't know... I can only assume that those racketeering NBA refs are behind this.
So let me see if I have this straight - the Mavericks are effectively trading their entire defense, almost their entire bench, and first round draft picks in 2008 and 2010 in return for a waaaaay-past-his-prime-shoots-under- 37%-from-the-field Jason Kidd and Malik Allen?
Who the fuck even is Malik Allen?? I'm sure his 5.4 points, 2.7 rebounds, and .6 assists per game really sweetened the pot on this poorly thought out deal.
There is just absolutely no making sense of this trade. If you want to try and tell me that Devin Harris is injury prone and that Jason Kidd is an upgrade as a point guard, well fuck you. And you are wrong. Sure, the Jason Kidd from 5 years ago was better, but the stats just don't bear that out now.
- Harris's current salary: Just under $4,000,000
- Kidd current salary: Just under $20,000,000
- Harris's age: 24
- Kidd's age: 34
- Offensive efficiency of the team Harris runs: 2nd in the league
- Offensive efficiency of the team Kidd runs: 25th
- Devin Harris's PER: 18.64
- Jason Kidd's PER: 16.0
- According to 82games, for every 100 possessions Devin Harris is on the floor, Dallas scores almost 12 points more than the same number of possesions without Harris.
- With Kidd, that number is five.
- When Harris is on the court, the Mavericks have outscored opponents by 217 points this season. When he is off the court, the Mavericks have been outscored by 11. Harris is, therefore, +228.
- When Kidd is on the court, the Nets have been outscored by 154. When he is off the court the Nets have been outscored by 116. Kidd is, therefore, -38.
- Devin Harris's record in the NBA Finals: 2-4.
- Jason Kidd's record in the NBA Finals: 2-8.
Obviously we're making this trade for a short-term run for the championship, but we're also mortgaging the future of our team. We're losing a point guard who would have served us well for years to come in Devin Harris, a key clutch player in Jerry Stackhouse, a key defensive player in Devean George, and a key player in match ups against Tim Duncan, Paul Gasol and Shaq (man, that's weird to say) in Diop. And all of that for Jason Kidd. If we wanted to get an oldie olsen on the team, we should've just brought back Kevin Willis.
But what hurts me the most is that if this trade goes through, I will no longer be able to take my "Diop it like it's hot" and "Stack that ass up" signs with me to Mavs games. And that's just a fucking shame.
Turns out I severely underestimated just how crazy Mark Cuban is. I'm half expecting us to trade Dirk for Shaq next. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I just know that I want to kick Mark Cuban in his stupid fake hips.
EDIT: ALL PRAISE DEVEAN GEORGE FOR AT LEAST TEMPORARILY THROWING A WRENCH IN THIS THING!
Do you want me to kill myself? Is that it? Suicide right on the stage? FUCK.
Welcome back to Dallas, Grandpa Kidd. If it means we get Joumana in the trade too, I'll be ok.
So long, Harris. Our favorite Babies Daddy* is leaving us...
Wes at MavsMoneyBall says it best: "It sucks, and it's stupid, and it sucks."
Anyone who wants to send me more info on the trade would be awesome. I'm at work and can't get the radio to stream and I have a boss that is looking over my shoulder all the time now.
*Inside joke, not actually the father of our children
Although sources say the teams are still sorting out final details, this deal was described as "imminent" by multiple sources close to the process after negotiations moved to an advanced stage Tuesday night. The deal -- salvaged from talks on a three-way trade with Portland that developed and fizzled quickly two weeks ago -- has Dallas sending 24-year-old point guard Devin Harris, veteran swingman Jerry Stackhouse, the expiring contracts of center DeSagana Diop and swingman Devean George and guard Maurice Ager to New Jersey for Kidd and forward Malik Allen.
Sources say Dallas will also send the Nets the league-maximum $3 million, the Mavs' first-round draft pick this June and a first-rounder in 2010.
Stackhouse said his agent told him the trade would be completed.
"Now I think it's pretty much a done deal," Stackhouse told The Associated Press.
Bye, bye bench.
***Thanks JAY for the ESPN info***
Cover Girl Marisa Miller!
Chicks in Swimsuits!
Chicks in Pretend Swimsuits Made of Body Paint!
Hot Athletes' Wives! (Yay! It's Eva Longoria free and 100% less annoying!)
NFL Cheerleaders! (I would like state, for the record, that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is definitely the LEAST attractive of the bunch)
Danica Patrick (Hot butterface action!)
That should keep you occupied for a while.
Look to your right. Now look at the sign behind you. Heed it's advice my friend. Nothing good can come from that. Trust me. Look what it's done to you already.
Mandy (& the sign)
Marvez: Tony, how do you have to change your life now because of all the attention your relationship with Jessica is getting?
Owens: "I think he's in way over his head."
Romo: "(Smiling) Definitely not. I don't read the stuff like everyone else does, so it doesn't affect me. If I were to watch and read everything that is written and said, as a human being it would probably be difficult...I came to an understanding a little while back that no one is going to remember me in five or seven years anyway so let them talk and say what they want to say. In seven years, I'm going to be off doing whatever and living normal so it's like, 'Work hard. Try to do things right in life and forget about the rest of the junk.'"
And also enjoy this picture of another girl who's had Romo inside her:
Hot pants? CHECK. She looks like a real life Barbie. Dang.
[ED. NOTE: Beretta WINS AT LIFE. He heeded the call of my needing a green team tee shirt from "Legends of the Hidden Temple" and I got it today. You sir, OWN.]
Holy sweet Lord in heaven do I need this. It holds up to a full bottle of wine. It's praised as perfect for:
"Women who love both a good chardonnay and a good field position."
And for women who have always wanted to "suckle from me own teat".
The possibilities are endless. I could be drunk at the grocery store, drunk in class, drunk at church, even more drunk at work than I usually am, and drunk at the movie theatre. Holy shit sign me up.
Yes, I see how offensive to my sex this is. But my God it's hilarious. Plus, I could hold a whole lotta tequila or Boones Farm in my "gazongas" (their word, not mine) and not have to pay for overpriced Miller Lite or crappy margaritas that make your pee turn electric green.
And as you know, in the world of Girls Gone Sports, Booze > Self-respect.
[Thanks to Randball for the link]
He's Mr. February at Chippendales. Normally male strippers don't do anything for me. There is just something about "swinging dick time" that makes me weirded out. But he meets all the criteria for being a Panty Creamer:
1) Does the applicant have anything to do with sports? Yes. He is holding a football.
2) Does the applicant have what it takes to whip up some panty pudding? Check and check. (That was hard to type with one hand.)
[Holla at Breena for the awesome tip! Holla holla holla holla holla!]
While everyone else is busy blogging about Eli, Plaxico, Osi, Strahan and Tyree, we here at GGS want to salute a real Super Bowl hero - Tina Williams. 46-year-old Tina was pulled over in St. Augustine, Florida on Super Bowl Sunday after police witnessed her running a red light and then swerving back and forth between lanes. After pulling her over, police found a 1-year-old baby girl in the back seat. The baby was not in a car seat or buckled in. When police looked in Tina's passenger seat they found a 24-pack of Busch beer safely buckled in.
Tina told the cops that she had no idea why the baby wasn't restrained. Police also found two metal pipes in her purse. She was charged with driving under the influence, child endangerment, driving without a valid license, running a red light and not having a seatbelt or child restraint.
Tina has her priorities straight. That beer could have bruised! Or been crushed! You can always have another baby, but you don't find Busch on sale at the local Piggly Wiggly every night.
The real question is, was Tina a Giants fan or a Pats fan? Since it wasn't Amstel Light, I'm guessing Giants.
What do these things have in common?
Sure Plaxico can predict a Super Bowl win...but can he tell me what lies ahead for my future? Can he tell me who my soul mate is? What job I will end up in? WHAT DAY I WILL DIE???
Well, The Wade Blogs has just those answers.
No, they don't know when I'm going to die, but they do have a shit ton of Plaxico predictions.
He's no Dionne Warwick, but damn with some blush, a little bit of mascara, well we could try. He's a pretty man. But I don't he could sing it like her.
Ah man, now I have "Do you know the way to San Jose" stuck in my head. Speaking of Dionne Warwick, she was the subject of one of my favorite parts in one of my favorite movies, My Best Friends Wedding (Oh shut up I've loved it since I was like 13). Haha. Oh man.
"Who's Dionne Warwick?"
"She's Whitney Houston's aunt!"
Ah, Hell to the NO! Oh Whitney Houston. Man this post is going everywhere. Doody bubbles.
Jesus. I can't stop laughing. Whew....
And besides that they said some really nice stuff about us and if I have taught you anything at all it's that with us, flattery gets you EVERYWHERE.
So, without further ado, welcome to the long list to the right Fantasy Sports 101.
Here is what they said about us because we love us some us:
Two ladies, well endowed with huge ... sports knowledge, bring an honest female's view of sports to the table. A lady's touch is seriously lacking in sports, especially when it comes to blogging and analysis, and these are two of the best. Lauren and Mandy, whose profiles are fun to look at by the way, talk about gossip, players' wives, and other off-the-beaten-path stories from the sports world.
She told us that she would run buck nekkid if the G-men won. Well they did. But she isn't paying up.
"It was a mistake and I'm sorry I said it. I don't know what I could have been thinking -- Midtown Manhattan is a parking lot any time of day or night. It'd take 30 minutes just to make it from the Theater District to 34th Street. And what if I ran into the Naked Cowboy and had to pose for pictures with every out-of-town Tom, Dick and Harry? Tack on another 30 minutes, easily. How 'bout I simply flashed my breasts from a billboard in Times Square and call it a day ... will that work?"
No Gis, no it will not. If a woman makes a promise she needs to keep it. You can't just back out on your word. No one will trust you ever again.
I'm not trying to say that Miss. Buttchin or whatever her name is, is a lying whore, I'm just saying that she should take her clothes off and run around. It's the honorable thing to do.
[Ed. Note - I don't give a shit if this is made up. I like any excuse to post that picture and to say that someone is a "lying whore". And saying that people are going back on their word because they won't strip and run around is also fun. ]
[Ed. Note 2 - God damnit the picture won't work. Fuck. Well anyways it was a picture of her with no makeup on. I will again reiterate GGS's stance on having no credibility. For Christ's sake I posted a picture of myself in a wet tee shirt further down. I'm not exactly the kind of girl to get your news from. To take out for a nice steak dinner and a cheap bottle of wine, yes. Reliable news source I am not.]
[Ed. Note 3 - I just noticed Mandy fixed the picture for me. Thank you Mandy! She saves the day more than Neil Diamond.]
So last Thursday night I was drunk and decided it would be a good idea to make a shirt to wear for yesterday's game. Too drunk to think of anything creative on my own I turned to the nice boys at KSK for some inspiration. Seeing as how I don't have $5000 to spend on a shirt my crafting mind turned to ripping off their Gay-triots shirt. I felt it would be only fitting to share it with you, our dear reader.
Mandy says I am the best drunken crafter she knows. Those lines are so straight.
Now head on over there and make a sweet purchase of your own. And remember: my birthday is coming up and I would really like to have this. And this (in green).
Oh and Mandy and I made no wager on the Bowl. We should've. She'd be doing sexy dances on tape for me right now. DAAAAAMN.
*EDIT - The shirt has gone down in price to $1801.00. Awesome.
The always clever Chris over at The Hot Route did a collection of different blog's picks for that little game that is coming up on Sunday.
Girls Gone Sports participated. Mandy wrote it because I have an inability to think in "10 words or less" type situations. I did however try and send it in and I screwed it up so bad that Mandy had to fix it. I may or may not have had a few too many frosty libations during breakfast. Drunk at 10am at work? Check. Mandy fixes your problems so it doesn't matter? Check.
I win at life.
Anyways, here is the link to the post! Enjoy.
(Oh, and our pick is the best. Duh.)