You never seem to be cramping
I love doing you at the lake
I enjoy getting drunk with you
and then I make
I can fish
I can wish
on a star
We will drink
We will think
We won't blink
when they charge for extra cars
I can't wait to be...camping?
I'm going camping this weekend and I'm stoked. It's one of my favorite weekend activities and the weather is supposed to be awesome. I'm the official camp cook. I make a mean bacon and eggs.
This will be the first time with the new horseshoe set. And of course we're gonna fish on Saturday at the lake. But I was trying to think of some other fun games to play besides the usual "Party till you puke" game. (I had enough of that last weekend.) Here is what I've come up with:
Hide the Toilet Paper
Self explanatory. Hide the bio-degradable toilet paper from everyone but yourself. Hilarity ensues.
["Oh, Camping" Poem Copyright 2008 Lauren ]
I've personally never heard of "Bike Week" before, but apparently it's a big deal -- and it involves a lot of death and a lot of old, dimpled flesh writhing around in a side dish. After looking through this coleslaw wrestling photo gallery, I'm pretty sure most Bike Week attendees ended up praying for the former.
A long-standing tradition in Daytona Beach, Fla., Bike Week attracts hundreds of thousands of bikers and motorcylce [sic] enthusiasts to the beach each year. It all began in 1937, when the first motorcyle [sic] race was driven on a 3.2-mile beach and road course. Now, it's a 10-day event with hundreds of events. The festivities do have a grim side. Many bikers lose their lives during the event or driving to or from it. In 2006, a record 21 bikers were killed.This year one of the events featured in the "10-day event with hundreds of events" was the first (and presumably last) annual Sopotnik's Cabbage Patch Slaw Wrestling Tournament. And man, was it ever sexy.
Three contestants - all large, mean-looking women covered with equal parts coleslaw and sweat and a dab of blood here and there for effect - grabbed one of the judges, dragged him into the wrestling pit, ripped off his britches and waved his underwear in the air.
As for the wrestling itself, I'll spare you the details except to say that the winner - a blond woman with a cobra tattooed on her behind - walked away with $400, which should help replace all the clothes that she somehow managed to lose in the fight.
[Ed. Note ~ Oh Florida, with such stellar copy editing and sexy sporting events how could old people not want to live out their golden years in you?]
As if the 21 deaths in 2006 weren't tragic enough, Bike Week really upped the ante this year. I'll never look at coleslaw the same way again. I'm pretty sure I'd rather re-eat the vomit I just spewed all over my monitor than serve coleslaw at my next barbecue.
[Orlando Sentinel] - there's video if you dare!
Ok guys, I'm sorry for subjecting you to that. As restitution let me redirect your eyes to something on the opposite end of the sexy spectrum. Insert your own "I'd like to live out my golden years in her" joke here.
Drunk, naked college cheerleaders
Peter Crouch's super hot girlfriend frolicking around in a bikini
and for the ladies...
Hot MLS boys in a hot tub
In addition to this wishlist post I am offering up my tips on how to attend a Mavericks home game, if you have the opportunity:
When taking the TRE train to the game, DO NOT start your drinking early. You will end up on the wrong train going the wrong direction and then end up taking an extra 50 minute train ride and waiting in the cold for 15 minutes. Trust.
When sneaking in liquor use a plastic flask. It does not go off in the metal detectors and your state of inebriation will be greater. Nothing says I love my team more than standing in a restroom stall drinking warm orange juice and vodka as fast as you can!
When starting a "DEVIN HARRIS" chant, it is best to be around a good section of loud and raucous people. Pre-teens and their mothers just don't do the trick.
MAKE SURE you get your beer refills BEFORE the 4th quarter starts. They will not budge on that rule. No matter who you offer to show your boobs to.
Always bring ME to a game. I am an endless amount of fun even if the Mavs fuck it all up.
So there you have it. I am a wealth of hung-over knowledge. If you don't hear from me after today don't worry, I will emerge sometime on Monday a drunken, hot mess.
And somehow, a better person.
My first wish (to make up for yesterday's absence) is: I would like the Spurs locker room, in whatever arena they are in, to have a constant smell of rotten ass, warm trash, and skunk spray. I want the stench to be so bad it makes them physically ill. I would also like this smell to carry over to their fans. (Not the entire city, I know of Mavs fans that live there). I want the smell to be so horrible their eyes cross and they get really bad headaches.
Now who can make this happen? Eva Longwhoria, I'm looking at you. Open up those legs!
My wish for today:
I want season tickets for life to the new Cowboy's stadium in Arlington. I want a luxury box that is always catered, and the bar is always full. And I want to be able to have as many people in there as I want whenever I want. It should also have a hot tub in there. And a Ben and Jerry's attached.
Now who can make this happen? That's right, the double J.
*-Really drunk last night
In case you hadn't already heard, Big Ben just got a brand new Big Ben-sized contract.
The Pittsburgh Steelers and quarterback Ben Roethlisberger have agreed to a new eight-year, $102 million contract.The contract, which includes more than $36 million in guarantees and is easily the largest in team history, places Roethlisberger among the game's highest-paid players.
Roethlisberger now joins Manning, Brett Favre, Carson Palmer, Donovan McNabb, the suspended Vick and the retired Drew Bledsoe in the $100 million quarterback club.
(Suck on that Tony Homo!) $102 million will guarantee Big Ben plenty of Patron and motorcycle helmets for years to come, but probably still not the respect he deserves from anyone outside the Pittsburgh city limits.
That said, let's talk about BEN ROETHLISBERGER'S HOT ASS IN GOLD SPANDEX UNTIL THE YEAR 2016!
The carpal tunnel is here to stay people - if you know what I'm saying. (And I think you do.)
Mavs Moneyball, y/our official source for all things Mav, posted an interesting rundown last week on Jason Kidd's impact on the Mavs thus far.
In terms of efficiency, the Mavericks have a 112.5 efficiency, good for eighth in the league. But how have they been since Kidd arrived? Here are the numbers: 102.2, 106.5, 110.0, 102.0. The average over these games is 105.2. So in what is probably a surprise to most people, the Mavs offense has gotten worse with Kidd in the line-up to a degree almost as much as the Suns offense has gotten worse with Shaq in the line-up.On defense:
In what I consider a surprise of monumental proportions, Kidd's impact on the team has been overwhelmingly on the defensive side. For the year, the Mavericks defensive efficiency stands at 107.0, around tenth in the league, and about as good as they've done for the season. How has the defense looked with Kidd on the team? Here are the numbers: 114.3, 90.2, 92.2, 94.0.
Outside of Kidd's debut against New Orleans, the Mavericks defense has been spectacular. Their efficiency with Kidd, even including New Orleans, is roughly 97.7. To put this in perspective, the best defense in the league currently belongs to Boston with an efficiency of 100.1. The defense with Kidd is a magnitude better than that.
Keep in mind, this was when they were still winning games.
As it stands now, the Mavs haven't won a single game against a team with a winning record since acquiring Jason Kidd and they've slipped to 7th in the West. (But hey, they're getting assists out the ass!) This would truly pain me if I didn't like being right even more than I like winning.
Next stop: Houston, who sans Yao is still on an incredible 15 game winning streak (that is, until Tracy McGlassbones inevitably breaks again)
And in other Kidd news....while he may be way past his prime in b-ball, at least he's still good at knocking up hot broads. So that's exciting for him.
But this week I will be doing a once a day countdown post of things in the sports world that I would like to have/happen for my birthday.
Today I start with something I want. Or more like, someone I want. And you probably know who it is...
With any luck I'll be in that position.
Yes, he broke my heart last season. And I tossed him aside like I've done with so many men in the past. So many. SOOOO many. But unlike them he has held that place in my cold, dark heart and just won't go away. And I love it!
Just like Tammy Wynette said, I will stand by my man. So my first wish on this wishlist is for Dirk. Just plain old, professional basketball playin, german beer drinking, Dirk Nowitzki.
Mandy has pointed out our height diffrence (2') before and I am well aware that he could split me like a log. I see this as a challenge, and I will not back down from a challenge. I'm a go-getter.
[Ed. Note - Courtside seats to the upcoming Spurs game at the AAC also accepted. Mandy and I need the luxury. ]
Ed. Note - Jessica Simpson has boned 3 of the men in that picture.
Well anyways, Tony was "honored" with the "award" along with Dave Salmoni, Peter Krause, Dave Annable, Tom from MySpace, John Krasinki, Common, Dane Cook and John Mayer.
Good for him. Hey! One of my Cowboy's won something! HOOORAYY!!!!
Labels: tony romo
Oh shut up out there. I can hear it now, "God, all she does is post about Jessica and Tony. Doesn't she have a life?"
No. No I don't.
"Give it up already, Lauren. You gossip whore."
Hey. Watch it.
"I can't believe those sunglasses. Ugh, that bag. What a man face."
Yes Mandy, I know. But we would SO wear those sunglasses. Tony's jaw looks stronger since he's been dating her. That can only mean one thing. He's been certified for his diving license.
His muff diving license! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FACE!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!