It's not even me trying to pick between the lesser of two evils. On the one hand I have the New York Football Giants. They knocked out my favorite team. On the other hand I have the Perfect Patriots led by Tom Terrrrrific. I'm trying to weigh out the pros and cons of watching the game on Sunday. I plan on going to a friends house so if all else fails I'll just get so shitfaced drunk I will once again think I am watching a Dallas Burn game.

Labels: laurens awesome paint skills, puppeh, super bowl

Labels: brett favre, happy birthday, laurens awesome paint skills, van halen

Mark? Hey, it's me Lauren. How are you? Great, great. Listen I have an idea I wanted to throw your way. Is that cool? You got time? Awesome.

I know in the past I've confessed my undying love for your money you. And I've begged for you to buy me purses, and shoes and an entire football league.

But now I have a better proposition for you:

Make Mandy and I MMA fighters.

Ok.



Let that soak in.

Do you see it? Mandy and I are under no contract to the UFC. We have never even done any kind of fighting (besides in a bar) on television. Stay with me here Marky, Mandy and I (or Red the Destroyer and Juggs of Death) walk out to some Eagles of Death Metal (or some TATU if you wanna play off on that lesbionic vibe we give off) and wind and fog machines errupt around us.

You're seeing it now aren't you? Lauren and Mandy: Bringing HDNet Death by Sexy. Red the Destroyer will wear black/red shorts and I will wear black/pink. Our tops? What tops? We have to wear tops to fight? It was part of our strategy to go topless to distract the male fighters.

What do you mean you'd want us to fight women? No go. We want to fight big, sweaty, fierce, muscular, aggressive men. And if we have to wear tops I insist they be of the bikini and/or lingerie variety. Deal? K.

The only other thing is...we don't know any sort of martial arts. At all. So we're gonna need to be able to fight with weapons. Of our choosing. My signature weapon has always been the broken beer bottle. Mandy's weapons depend on her mood. She has wielded throwing stars, a crossbow and an axe in the past. So we will need all of these available to us.

Great. I hope you're writing all of this down. We've also invented this crazy weapon called "The Beermerang." It's a boomerang shaped beer bottle that you throw and when it comes back to you, you drink from it. I could also see me breaking it on my head and threatening opponents with it, you know, for show.




Do we have these? Well, not exactly. We have them in our minds.

*Beep Beep*

Is that your line? Or was that mine? Is someone trying to beep in? Oh it's you? Yeah I'll hold.

No that's cool, you're a busy man. So what do you think? I think it's gold. Solid gold. You down for it? Awesome. Mandy and I can come over, all oiled up, ready to do battle and show you some of our weapons of sexy destruction. That cool? Great. Well thanks for your time Mark. I'll see you later? Ok. Buhbye.

Labels: fighting, good idea jeans, laurens awesome paint skills, mark cuban, you know mandy and i oiled up and fighting is brilliant

This is it friends. It's the final countdown.

I made my way onto the shore of the island and a chill went down my spine. I felt like someone...or something was watching me. Luckily I had brought along my favorite machete and was able to cut through the dense jungle. I hoped all of the valuable skills I learned as a Girl Scout would come back to me.

But they didn't.

And I was fucked.

So I resorted to the only search and rescue method I knew: The Buddy System. Whenever the buddy system is activated Mandy and I are together. So I immediately started shouting "BUDDY! BUDDY! BUDDY! O MANDY WHERE ART THOU???"

My plan failed. Using the buddy system in the jungle does not work. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that is does. They are wrong.

I was getting frustrated and tired and I was about to loose my mind when I heard the opening riff to Van Halen's "Panama." SHE MUST BE CLOSE! Somewhere within earshot was my sweet, sweet Mandy and she was rocking.

I followed the sound of David Lee Roth's voice and ended up at the bottom of a very, very, very long staircase that lead to a house atop a hill. (How I didn't notice that house from the beach I don't know. Damn my female eye always noticing detail and not the big picture.)

I made my way up the stairs in speedy time and was surprised to find the door unlocked. The inside of the house was even creepier than the island. I could hear strange animal noises coming from various places in the house. And I was not prepared for what awaited me...

At last! Face to face with Kaman! He sat at his table with a fierce look in his eye and his blond locks falling around his face. I wielded my machete and demanded to see Mandy.

He said nothing.

I screamed at him to give Mandy back to me!

He replied with that constant glassy stare of his.

A door flew open! It was she! My BFF! Standing the door way! I ran to her and we embraced. We held each other for what seemed like forever...until Kaman's icy stare was broken with tears.

He stood up and grasped both of us in a giant bear hug. As he sobbed he whispered "I can't keep the two of you apart, it just isn't meant for us to be together..."

I scooped Mandy up in my arms and carried her out of the island Officer and a Gentlemen style. I had my blog partner back and nothing would take her away from me again...

She is back with us grateful readers! And she will tell her tale soon...look forward to it! Until then, enjoy some Europe!

Labels: europe makes any post better, laurens awesome paint skills, van halen, where in the world is mandy sandiego

After I thawed out from Antarctica I started to focus more on the hunt for Mandy. I did a little more research on Kaman and found what Sam Cassel (Mandy’s favorite) once said of the man:

Kaman is…"like a far-away island, farther than Hawaii, way, way out there."

And because I take things really literally I set out to find this far away island that Kaman is…or has…er…yes, yes that’s it! Kaman has an island! And that is where he would take Mandy! And it happens to be way out there. Yes, yes, way out there. Farther than Hawaii! Great Scott I was on to something!

I made my way to California and was prepared to fly a helicopter to his island to rescue my friend.

While in Cali I did some more sleuthing. Mandy’s trail of clues grew larger. I found her 34D bra lying on the side of the road. Somewhere out there she was running around, bouncing through the ocean with no support to lift and separate.

I also found a tube of her favorite lip gloss: C.O. Bigelow's Mentha Lip Shine. She would never leave anywhere without that. Foul play? It must be.

I stopped by a local bar and armed myself with many empty beer bottles. If it was going to be a hostile situation to retrieve her I was to be prepared. Some might say I have ninja like moves when it comes to breaking beer bottles and using them as weapons. The people who say that would be correct. Those same people might even say I’m too good at bar fighting with broken bottles of Miller High Life. Once again, hitting the nail on the head. Those same people might actually only be Mandy and I. Even more reason why I need to get her back.



The helicopter was ready and so was I. I set out on what was sure to be a glorious rescue or my last adventure. In which case if it had been you would have gotten an even more ridiculous post from the afterlife. Sorry I lived.

The thrilling conclusion is so close...so very close...




[Quote found here.]

Labels: laurens awesome paint skills, missing mandy, where in the world is mandy sandiego

After clearing my head for about an hour I had finally come up with another place to look for her. Where would a wholesome, God fearing' farm boy run away to...it would have to be some place equal parts cheesy and hokey...and then it came to me all at once: Branson, MO!June 19th, 2007 5:00 pm - We're goin' to Branson to put on a show!

I had arrived in Branson. It was a strange land. It was like Las Vegas for old people. And it smelled funny. If I know Mandy, and I think I do, she probably thought this place was hell on earth. If he had brought her here she wouldn't have stayed long. I was about to run away screaming when walking near a tree I saw something strange...

All the proof I needed! She had been here...and professed her undying love for Kaman by defacing a tree! After snapping the above photo I received a text from Mandy: "Greetings from Graceland! Wish you were here!"

Graceland?!?!?!? What in the thunder had gotten into her? Kaman must have her under some kind of spell...

On to Graceland!

Labels: laurens awesome paint skills, mandy's one true love, missing mandy, where in the world is mandy sandiego