Mark? Hey, it's me Lauren. How are you? Great, great. Listen I have an idea I wanted to throw your way. Is that cool? You got time? Awesome.
I know in the past I've confessed my undying love foryour money you. And I've begged for you to buy me purses, and shoes and an entire football league.
But now I have a better proposition for you:
Make Mandy and I MMA fighters.
Ok.
Let that soak in.
Do you see it? Mandy and I are under no contract to the UFC. We have never even done any kind of fighting (besides in a bar) on television. Stay with me here Marky, Mandy and I (or Red the Destroyer and Juggs of Death) walk out to some Eagles of Death Metal (or some TATU if you wanna play off on that lesbionic vibe we give off) and wind and fog machines errupt around us.
You're seeing it now aren't you? Lauren and Mandy: Bringing HDNet Death by Sexy. Red the Destroyer will wear black/red shorts and I will wear black/pink. Our tops? What tops? We have to wear tops to fight? It was part of our strategy to go topless to distract the male fighters.
What do you mean you'd want us to fight women? No go. We want to fight big, sweaty, fierce, muscular, aggressive men. And if we have to wear tops I insist they be of the bikini and/or lingerie variety. Deal? K.
The only other thing is...we don't know any sort of martial arts. At all. So we're gonna need to be able to fight with weapons. Of our choosing. My signature weapon has always been the broken beer bottle. Mandy's weapons depend on her mood. She has wielded throwing stars, a crossbow and an axe in the past. So we will need all of these available to us.
Great. I hope you're writing all of this down. We've also invented this crazy weapon called "The Beermerang." It's a boomerang shaped beer bottle that you throw and when it comes back to you, you drink from it. I could also see me breaking it on my head and threatening opponents with it, you know, for show.
Do we have these? Well, not exactly. We have them in our minds.
*Beep Beep*
Is that your line? Or was that mine? Is someone trying to beep in? Oh it's you? Yeah I'll hold.
No that's cool, you're a busy man. So what do you think? I think it's gold. Solid gold. You down for it? Awesome. Mandy and I can come over, all oiled up, ready to do battle and show you some of our weapons of sexy destruction. That cool? Great. Well thanks for your time Mark. I'll see you later? Ok. Buhbye.
I know in the past I've confessed my undying love for
But now I have a better proposition for you:
Make Mandy and I MMA fighters.
Ok.
Let that soak in.
Do you see it? Mandy and I are under no contract to the UFC. We have never even done any kind of fighting (besides in a bar) on television. Stay with me here Marky, Mandy and I (or Red the Destroyer and Juggs of Death) walk out to some Eagles of Death Metal (or some TATU if you wanna play off on that lesbionic vibe we give off) and wind and fog machines errupt around us.
You're seeing it now aren't you? Lauren and Mandy: Bringing HDNet Death by Sexy. Red the Destroyer will wear black/red shorts and I will wear black/pink. Our tops? What tops? We have to wear tops to fight? It was part of our strategy to go topless to distract the male fighters.
What do you mean you'd want us to fight women? No go. We want to fight big, sweaty, fierce, muscular, aggressive men. And if we have to wear tops I insist they be of the bikini and/or lingerie variety. Deal? K.
The only other thing is...we don't know any sort of martial arts. At all. So we're gonna need to be able to fight with weapons. Of our choosing. My signature weapon has always been the broken beer bottle. Mandy's weapons depend on her mood. She has wielded throwing stars, a crossbow and an axe in the past. So we will need all of these available to us.
Great. I hope you're writing all of this down. We've also invented this crazy weapon called "The Beermerang." It's a boomerang shaped beer bottle that you throw and when it comes back to you, you drink from it. I could also see me breaking it on my head and threatening opponents with it, you know, for show.
Artist rendering of what Beermerang would look like
Do we have these? Well, not exactly. We have them in our minds.
*Beep Beep*
Is that your line? Or was that mine? Is someone trying to beep in? Oh it's you? Yeah I'll hold.
No that's cool, you're a busy man. So what do you think? I think it's gold. Solid gold. You down for it? Awesome. Mandy and I can come over, all oiled up, ready to do battle and show you some of our weapons of sexy destruction. That cool? Great. Well thanks for your time Mark. I'll see you later? Ok. Buhbye.
Labels: fighting, good idea jeans, laurens awesome paint skills, mark cuban, you know mandy and i oiled up and fighting is brilliant
You can buy me these or these or these.
A new football league? Really? Well...I guess that will be ok.
But I'd rather have this.
A new football league? Really? Well...I guess that will be ok.
But I'd rather have this.
Labels: buy my love, mark cuban
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we (like most girls) dream of that perfect guy out there just waiting to sweep us off our feet...okay, that's a lie. Lemme try this again...
When we aren't busy watching countless hours ofporn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we dream of those perfect guys out there just waiting to have amazing sex with us. There. That's more like it. So in the hopes of reeling in one of these fine specimens that we wanna lay we're sending them love letters. This week it's our favorite billionaire, Mark Cuban.
Dearest Mark,
You have a lot of money and Mandy and I have large breasts. And lets face it, there is nothing a rich dude like yourself wants more than a trophy wife. So how about a pair of trophy wives? Eh? Eh?
We both wouldn't mind living in your huge mansion and you could fulfill my dream of having a helipad and a helicopter to fly around in.
And besides your billions, you've gotten kinda buff and added some facial hair (which always makes guys sexier). We find that, along with your money, hot. Plus, if we're married to you we could go to every Mavs game. Score!
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of
Dearest Mark,
You have a lot of money and Mandy and I have large breasts. And lets face it, there is nothing a rich dude like yourself wants more than a trophy wife. So how about a pair of trophy wives? Eh? Eh?
We both wouldn't mind living in your huge mansion and you could fulfill my dream of having a helipad and a helicopter to fly around in.
And besides your billions, you've gotten kinda buff and added some facial hair (which always makes guys sexier). We find that, along with your money, hot. Plus, if we're married to you we could go to every Mavs game. Score!
We also like the fact that we can do our best Bunny Lebowski and offer to suck your cock for $1000 and instead of you needing to find an ATM, you just pull it out of your wallet. That is what we call a turn on.
My mom once told me that if you can't find true love, settle for lots of money. For you Mark, Mandy and I would both be willing to settle. Especially if you bought us matching private jets.
Love,
Lauren and Mandy xoxo
Labels: love letters, mark cuban, money money
