So remember back in February when I told you guys that the Kidd-Harris trade was the worst idea in the history of ever? When I said "the Mavs will be lucky if Jason Kidd even gets them into the playoffs"? (7th seed! down from 4th pre-Kidd) And when some of you idiots told me that I was wrong and that it was an awesome trade?
Well fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk you guys. Don't ever doubt me again. I'm right about everything. Booyah.
Labels: jason kidd, mandy is always right, mavs, rants
I'm already excited for the Ranger, Stars, and Mavs games all going at the same time and a pitcher of beer. And I'm a little bit horny.
We've already decided that we're ordering a few $5 pitcher for each quarter and a shot for each point the Stars score. And I've decided that I'm taking someone home.
The Ranger's game starts to wrap up and Milton Bradley goes 2 for 4 with 2 runs batted it and Michael Young homered and the Rangers pulled the rug out from under the O's in yesterday's double header. I started to get this tingling sensation between my legs. I felt a little hot on my face and my breath started getting shorter...
And the next thing I know the Mavs and the Jazz are going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and Dirk hits a 3pt to win the game with .9 seconds left. He grabs his jersey, sticks his tongue out and all I could imagine was him grabbing me and licking me, I started grabbing myself and biting my lip. I couldn't take it anymore. "Pull that jersey you sexy son of a bitch!" I can feel it, it's coming. And it's going to be a big one.
Oh god, back to the Rangers, CJ Wilson closing. Ohhhhhh, Goddddddd oh. God. Oh. Oh. Oh.
STARS WIN! STARS WIN! STARS WIN! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! DON'T STOP! DON'T YOU FUCKING STOP!
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Can you go get me some water?
Labels: dallas stars, its not as hard as you make it seem just try, let me introduce you to the female orgasm through sports watching, making a mess in public, mavs, texas rangers
Last night's game gave me a full on raging girl boner. In all my games I've never heard the AAC louder.
The Mavs whipped out their dicks, shoved them in Baron Davis' ass, then pulled them out and smeared them all over his face. Oh and we had little blue and white Mavs clapper thingys. Revenge in the form of clappers is oh so sweet.
I really have to hand it to them, the entire game experience was awesome. The Mavs "Bohemian Rhapsody" video had most of the people around us laughing so hard we almost spilt our $7 beers. That video alone sent Dirk right back up to the #1 spot in my heart (Matt Damon slips down to #2 and Mos Def takes over the #3 spot). And the half time show! None of that queer two guys one chair Cirque rip off shit. The Beale Street Flippers. That shit was crazy. No one should be able to do back handsprings like that.
(If anyone has video of the Dirk vid it would be awesome of you to send it to me! That or the Paul Mcartney "JET" video.)
Now back to the actual game: I just want to address the issue of certain local journalist's accusations that Josh Howard is "just a guy". The accusations are stemmed mainly from the fact that while Dirk has been gone their points aren't as high as these people would like them.
I would like to call to the stand last night's game, your honor. In a game where Dirk played (albeit coming of an injury so maybe he didn't have his rock meter on green just yet) J-HO scored 28 points. And even more than that, JET scored 31! Jason Kidd had 17 assists.
And you know what, after last night I was ok with the Kidd trade. If we keep playing like we did last night I'd be REALLY ok with it.
And after all that, on the way home I got to hear Choppy (I think), on the local ESPN radio, say, "The Mavs got their hands on a lot of balls."
But the very best part: FREE TACOS! MAVS WIN MEANS FREE BUENO TACO!
The Mavs whipped out their dicks, shoved them in Baron Davis' ass, then pulled them out and smeared them all over his face. Oh and we had little blue and white Mavs clapper thingys. Revenge in the form of clappers is oh so sweet.
I really have to hand it to them, the entire game experience was awesome. The Mavs "Bohemian Rhapsody" video had most of the people around us laughing so hard we almost spilt our $7 beers. That video alone sent Dirk right back up to the #1 spot in my heart (Matt Damon slips down to #2 and Mos Def takes over the #3 spot). And the half time show! None of that queer two guys one chair Cirque rip off shit. The Beale Street Flippers. That shit was crazy. No one should be able to do back handsprings like that.
(If anyone has video of the Dirk vid it would be awesome of you to send it to me! That or the Paul Mcartney "JET" video.)
Now back to the actual game: I just want to address the issue of certain local journalist's accusations that Josh Howard is "just a guy". The accusations are stemmed mainly from the fact that while Dirk has been gone their points aren't as high as these people would like them.
I would like to call to the stand last night's game, your honor. In a game where Dirk played (albeit coming of an injury so maybe he didn't have his rock meter on green just yet) J-HO scored 28 points. And even more than that, JET scored 31! Jason Kidd had 17 assists.
And you know what, after last night I was ok with the Kidd trade. If we keep playing like we did last night I'd be REALLY ok with it.
And after all that, on the way home I got to hear Choppy (I think), on the local ESPN radio, say, "The Mavs got their hands on a lot of balls."
But the very best part: FREE TACOS! MAVS WIN MEANS FREE BUENO TACO!
Labels: lauren's future husband, mavs, my homerism is showing, sorry this is so long
Hey guys! Watch me shoot 33% from the field!Mavs Moneyball, y/our official source for all things Mav, posted an interesting rundown last week on Jason Kidd's impact on the Mavs thus far.
On offense:
In terms of efficiency, the Mavericks have a 112.5 efficiency, good for eighth in the league. But how have they been since Kidd arrived? Here are the numbers: 102.2, 106.5, 110.0, 102.0. The average over these games is 105.2. So in what is probably a surprise to most people, the Mavs offense has gotten worse with Kidd in the line-up to a degree almost as much as the Suns offense has gotten worse with Shaq in the line-up.On defense:
In what I consider a surprise of monumental proportions, Kidd's impact on the team has been overwhelmingly on the defensive side. For the year, the Mavericks defensive efficiency stands at 107.0, around tenth in the league, and about as good as they've done for the season. How has the defense looked with Kidd on the team? Here are the numbers: 114.3, 90.2, 92.2, 94.0.Outside of Kidd's debut against New Orleans, the Mavericks defense has been spectacular. Their efficiency with Kidd, even including New Orleans, is roughly 97.7. To put this in perspective, the best defense in the league currently belongs to Boston with an efficiency of 100.1. The defense with Kidd is a magnitude better than that.
Keep in mind, this was when they were still winning games.
As it stands now, the Mavs haven't won a single game against a team with a winning record since acquiring Jason Kidd and they've slipped to 7th in the West. (But hey, they're getting assists out the ass!) This would truly pain me if I didn't like being right even more than I like winning.
Next stop: Houston, who sans Yao is still on an incredible 15 game winning streak (that is, until Tracy McGlassbones inevitably breaks again)
And in other Kidd news....while he may be way past his prime in b-ball, at least he's still good at knocking up hot broads. So that's exciting for him.
Labels: jason kidd, mavs
Fuck yes Stackhouse!!!
There is nothing quite like a 3 point buzzer beater. Ahhhhh. Drink it down Mavs fans.
Tastes good doesn't it?
Oh and, welcome (back) to Dallas, Kidd. Don't fuck this up. You won't like it if I get angry.
There is nothing quite like a 3 point buzzer beater. Ahhhhh. Drink it down Mavs fans.
Tastes good doesn't it?
Oh and, welcome (back) to Dallas, Kidd. Don't fuck this up. You won't like it if I get angry.
Labels: buzzer beaters, jerry stackhouse, mavs
Now, I know that Jason Kidd probably hasn't even practiced with the Mavs yet, and they definitely haven't had the time to get into a rhythm with him so we'll have to wait and see how things develop....but that still won't stop me from commenting on his first game with the Mavs. You know everyone else will be talking about it too.
Final Score: Hornets 104, Mavs 93 - but the Mavs were down by a lot more than that for most of the 4th quarter and they played a lot sloppier than the numbers reflect.
Kidd played for 36:41 minutes, was 3-6 from the field (although 50% is good for him!), 0-2 from behind the arc, and 2-2 from the free throw line for a total of 8 points. He added 6 rebounds, 5 assists and 3 steals, but also 6 turnovers. As far how the team fared when Kidd was on the court- the Mavs were -14 in net points when Kidd was playing. So, ummm...that's promising.
Hopefully this crazy plan will start to fall into place with the Mavs playing a bunch of crappy teams in a row to close out February, but they better have it worked out by the time they play the Spurs, the Lakers, the Jazz and the Rockets all in quick succession. Because they're 6th in the West right now and if the team keeps playing as awful as they did tonight the Mavs will be lucky if Jason Kidd even gets them into the playoffs.
[AP Photo]
Labels: jason kidd, mavs
I've been avoiding discussing this because I was hoping that if I ignored it, it would just go away. But sadly, my friends, an altered, $11 million pricier version of the Jason Kidd to Dallas trade has gone through.
The new deal is:
Dallas Gets
Jason Kidd
Malik Allen
Antoine Wright
New Jersey Gets
Devin Harris
Gana Diop
Moe Ager
Trenton Hassell
Keith Van Horn
2008 1st Round Pick
2010 1st Round Pick
3 Million Cash
1.6 Million trade exception
Yeah, it's pretty one-sided and ridiculous. I can't believe we really gave up that much for fucking Jason Kidd, but whatever. I've just had to resign myself to the fact that the Mavs are really pushing for that championship this year even if it means screwing the team in the long run. A lot of people are really digging the trade, but if we don't go all the way this year (which I highly doubt we will) expect everyone to do a quick about-face and start pointing fingers at Mark Cuban and Avery Johnson.
Spurs fans are really loving the trade and saying that there's no way we can beat them in the playoffs now - and I am emphatically opposed to anything that makes Spurs fans happy. They're basically the Dallas Cowboys of the NBA and their fans should all be sterilized.
Eddie Sefko and Mark Cuban himself offer some more thoughtful analysis, but I'll just keep mine to 2 words: This sucks.
Now just for fun, here's a video of Jason Kidd blocking his now-coach Avery Johnson
[Thanks to Mavs Moneyball for all the info]
The new deal is:
Dallas Gets
Jason Kidd
Malik Allen
Antoine Wright
New Jersey Gets
Devin Harris
Gana Diop
Moe Ager
Trenton Hassell
Keith Van Horn
2008 1st Round Pick
2010 1st Round Pick
3 Million Cash
1.6 Million trade exception
Yeah, it's pretty one-sided and ridiculous. I can't believe we really gave up that much for fucking Jason Kidd, but whatever. I've just had to resign myself to the fact that the Mavs are really pushing for that championship this year even if it means screwing the team in the long run. A lot of people are really digging the trade, but if we don't go all the way this year (which I highly doubt we will) expect everyone to do a quick about-face and start pointing fingers at Mark Cuban and Avery Johnson.
Spurs fans are really loving the trade and saying that there's no way we can beat them in the playoffs now - and I am emphatically opposed to anything that makes Spurs fans happy. They're basically the Dallas Cowboys of the NBA and their fans should all be sterilized.
Eddie Sefko and Mark Cuban himself offer some more thoughtful analysis, but I'll just keep mine to 2 words: This sucks.
Now just for fun, here's a video of Jason Kidd blocking his now-coach Avery Johnson
[Thanks to Mavs Moneyball for all the info]
Labels: jason kidd, mavs
First that utterly retarded Shaq to Suns trade and now THIS?!
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What is wrong with the NBA right now? Why would God let this happen??? He had me believing in him for a quick minute after the Super Bowl, but now I just don't know... I can only assume that those racketeering NBA refs are behind this.
So let me see if I have this straight - the Mavericks are effectively trading their entire defense, almost their entire bench, and first round draft picks in 2008 and 2010 in return for a waaaaay-past-his-prime-shoots-under- 37%-from-the-field Jason Kidd and Malik Allen?
Who the fuck even is Malik Allen?? I'm sure his 5.4 points, 2.7 rebounds, and .6 assists per game really sweetened the pot on this poorly thought out deal.
There is just absolutely no making sense of this trade. If you want to try and tell me that Devin Harris is injury prone and that Jason Kidd is an upgrade as a point guard, well fuck you. And you are wrong. Sure, the Jason Kidd from 5 years ago was better, but the stats just don't bear that out now.
Obviously we're making this trade for a short-term run for the championship, but we're also mortgaging the future of our team. We're losing a point guard who would have served us well for years to come in Devin Harris, a key clutch player in Jerry Stackhouse, a key defensive player in Devean George, and a key player in match ups against Tim Duncan, Paul Gasol and Shaq (man, that's weird to say) in Diop. And all of that for Jason Kidd. If we wanted to get an oldie olsen on the team, we should've just brought back Kevin Willis.
But what hurts me the most is that if this trade goes through, I will no longer be able to take my "Diop it like it's hot" and "Stack that ass up" signs with me to Mavs games. And that's just a fucking shame.
Turns out I severely underestimated just how crazy Mark Cuban is. I'm half expecting us to trade Dirk for Shaq next. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I just know that I want to kick Mark Cuban in his stupid fake hips.
EDIT: ALL PRAISE DEVEAN GEORGE FOR AT LEAST TEMPORARILY THROWING A WRENCH IN THIS THING!
[Jason] Kidd, who turns 35 next month, would go to Dallas with an unmistakable mandate: Bring a title for a team and career that are desperately seeking it. As part of the trade, the Mavericks would also send Jerry Stackhouse, Devean George, DeSagna Diop, Maurice Ager and $3 million to New Jersey. Along with Kidd, the Nets send reserve forward Malik Allen to the Mavs.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What is wrong with the NBA right now? Why would God let this happen??? He had me believing in him for a quick minute after the Super Bowl, but now I just don't know... I can only assume that those racketeering NBA refs are behind this.
So let me see if I have this straight - the Mavericks are effectively trading their entire defense, almost their entire bench, and first round draft picks in 2008 and 2010 in return for a waaaaay-past-his-prime-shoots-under- 37%-from-the-field Jason Kidd and Malik Allen?
Who the fuck even is Malik Allen?? I'm sure his 5.4 points, 2.7 rebounds, and .6 assists per game really sweetened the pot on this poorly thought out deal.
There is just absolutely no making sense of this trade. If you want to try and tell me that Devin Harris is injury prone and that Jason Kidd is an upgrade as a point guard, well fuck you. And you are wrong. Sure, the Jason Kidd from 5 years ago was better, but the stats just don't bear that out now.
- Harris's current salary: Just under $4,000,000
- Kidd current salary: Just under $20,000,000
- Harris's age: 24
- Kidd's age: 34
- Offensive efficiency of the team Harris runs: 2nd in the league
- Offensive efficiency of the team Kidd runs: 25th
- Devin Harris's PER: 18.64
- Jason Kidd's PER: 16.0
- According to 82games, for every 100 possessions Devin Harris is on the floor, Dallas scores almost 12 points more than the same number of possesions without Harris.
- With Kidd, that number is five.
- When Harris is on the court, the Mavericks have outscored opponents by 217 points this season. When he is off the court, the Mavericks have been outscored by 11. Harris is, therefore, +228.
- When Kidd is on the court, the Nets have been outscored by 154. When he is off the court the Nets have been outscored by 116. Kidd is, therefore, -38.
- Devin Harris's record in the NBA Finals: 2-4.
- Jason Kidd's record in the NBA Finals: 2-8.
Obviously we're making this trade for a short-term run for the championship, but we're also mortgaging the future of our team. We're losing a point guard who would have served us well for years to come in Devin Harris, a key clutch player in Jerry Stackhouse, a key defensive player in Devean George, and a key player in match ups against Tim Duncan, Paul Gasol and Shaq (man, that's weird to say) in Diop. And all of that for Jason Kidd. If we wanted to get an oldie olsen on the team, we should've just brought back Kevin Willis.
But what hurts me the most is that if this trade goes through, I will no longer be able to take my "Diop it like it's hot" and "Stack that ass up" signs with me to Mavs games. And that's just a fucking shame.
Turns out I severely underestimated just how crazy Mark Cuban is. I'm half expecting us to trade Dirk for Shaq next. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I just know that I want to kick Mark Cuban in his stupid fake hips.
EDIT: ALL PRAISE DEVEAN GEORGE FOR AT LEAST TEMPORARILY THROWING A WRENCH IN THIS THING!
Labels: diop, jason kidd, jerry stackhouse, mavs, nba, rants
What the fuck Mavs?
Do you want me to kill myself? Is that it? Suicide right on the stage? FUCK.
Welcome back to Dallas, Grandpa Kidd. If it means we get Joumana in the trade too, I'll be ok.
So long, Harris. Our favorite Babies Daddy* is leaving us...
Wes at MavsMoneyBall says it best: "It sucks, and it's stupid, and it sucks."
Anyone who wants to send me more info on the trade would be awesome. I'm at work and can't get the radio to stream and I have a boss that is looking over my shoulder all the time now.
*Inside joke, not actually the father of our children
EDIT: ESPN.com:
Although sources say the teams are still sorting out final details, this deal was described as "imminent" by multiple sources close to the process after negotiations moved to an advanced stage Tuesday night. The deal -- salvaged from talks on a three-way trade with Portland that developed and fizzled quickly two weeks ago -- has Dallas sending 24-year-old point guard Devin Harris, veteran swingman Jerry Stackhouse, the expiring contracts of center DeSagana Diop and swingman Devean George and guard Maurice Ager to New Jersey for Kidd and forward Malik Allen.
Sources say Dallas will also send the Nets the league-maximum $3 million, the Mavs' first-round draft pick this June and a first-rounder in 2010.
Stackhouse said his agent told him the trade would be completed.
"Now I think it's pretty much a done deal," Stackhouse told The Associated Press.
Bye, bye bench.
***Thanks JAY for the ESPN info***
Do you want me to kill myself? Is that it? Suicide right on the stage? FUCK.
Welcome back to Dallas, Grandpa Kidd. If it means we get Joumana in the trade too, I'll be ok.
So long, Harris. Our favorite Babies Daddy* is leaving us...
Wes at MavsMoneyBall says it best: "It sucks, and it's stupid, and it sucks."
Anyone who wants to send me more info on the trade would be awesome. I'm at work and can't get the radio to stream and I have a boss that is looking over my shoulder all the time now.
*Inside joke, not actually the father of our children
EDIT: ESPN.com:
Although sources say the teams are still sorting out final details, this deal was described as "imminent" by multiple sources close to the process after negotiations moved to an advanced stage Tuesday night. The deal -- salvaged from talks on a three-way trade with Portland that developed and fizzled quickly two weeks ago -- has Dallas sending 24-year-old point guard Devin Harris, veteran swingman Jerry Stackhouse, the expiring contracts of center DeSagana Diop and swingman Devean George and guard Maurice Ager to New Jersey for Kidd and forward Malik Allen.
Sources say Dallas will also send the Nets the league-maximum $3 million, the Mavs' first-round draft pick this June and a first-rounder in 2010.
Stackhouse said his agent told him the trade would be completed.
"Now I think it's pretty much a done deal," Stackhouse told The Associated Press.
Bye, bye bench.
***Thanks JAY for the ESPN info***
Labels: joumana kidd, mavs, trades
Unfortunately, neither Josh Howard nor Dirk Nowitzki took part in this outing - or we might have had some more interesting pictures.
Labels: erick(a) dampier, j.j. barea, jerry stackhouse, mavs
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of porn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we (like most girls) dream of that perfect guy out there just waiting to sweep us off our feet...okay, that's a lie. Lemme try this again...
When we aren't busy watching countless hours ofporn sports and drinking amazing amounts of beer, we dream of those perfect guys out there just waiting to have amazing sex with us. There. That's more like it. So in the hopes of reeling in one of these fine specimens that we wanna lay we're sending them love letters. This week it's the Dallas Mavericks’ play-by-play announcer, Mark Followill.
NOTE: This love letter may be a bit too localized for some readers. And we know what happens if Red and I get too localized… But fuck it, I write the love letter; I pick who receives it. And you like it.
Dear Mark,
When we aren't busy watching countless hours of
NOTE: This love letter may be a bit too localized for some readers. And we know what happens if Red and I get too localized… But fuck it, I write the love letter; I pick who receives it. And you like it.
Dear Mark,
Your myspace says you were born to talk about sports. Well Mark, I was born to listen to you.
I could listen to that voice of yours read the back of a box of cake mix and be riveted. From your hilarious one liners, “Tips it in the basket with a velvet touch!” “There’s the shot, oooh! Silky smooth!”, to your perfect use of adjectives and verbs, no one does it quite like you do.
I could say something perverted and gross hot, but my feelings for you are too pure. You might even compare them to my feelings for Dirk. (Who, for those of you keeping score at home has been knocked down in the "Rankings of my Heart" to #2. After that Warriors series Matt Damon was able to come in with the steal for #1.)
So instead of my hilarious double entendres, I offer you this song that expresses what I feel:
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't looking but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above, me the play-by-play announcer who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight
If only you could hear my Carly Simon impression live. It’s amazing. I’m almost sure you would fall in love with me if you heard it. If not, I would offer you Chipotle and then I’m sure the deal would be sealed.
I bet you do play-by-play when you’re in bed, don’t you? HOT. Some girls like it when you talk dirty to them, I like it when you talk stats to me. Nothing turns me on more than knowing exactly how many points in the paint the Mavs have made. I’m getting excited just thinking about it…I think I need to be alone.
I’m only a stones throw away from you, whenever you need a little bit of Girls Gone Sports loving…just let me know...just thought I'd throw that out there...
xoxo
Lauren
So instead of my hilarious double entendres, I offer you this song that expresses what I feel:
Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best
I wasn't looking but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above, me the play-by-play announcer who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight
If only you could hear my Carly Simon impression live. It’s amazing. I’m almost sure you would fall in love with me if you heard it. If not, I would offer you Chipotle and then I’m sure the deal would be sealed.
I bet you do play-by-play when you’re in bed, don’t you? HOT. Some girls like it when you talk dirty to them, I like it when you talk stats to me. Nothing turns me on more than knowing exactly how many points in the paint the Mavs have made. I’m getting excited just thinking about it…I think I need to be alone.
I’m only a stones throw away from you, whenever you need a little bit of Girls Gone Sports loving…just let me know...just thought I'd throw that out there...
xoxo
Lauren
Labels: lauren has a crush on the most random men, love letters, mark followill, mavs
Didn't he?
He got the MVP. And it's bittersweet.
But like any devotedgirlfriend fan, I am nothing if not damn happy about it.
Say what you want.
Dirk has my heart and your just jealous.
[Source]
And someone else who has my heart is one of our super hot readers, JP, for getting us the link before anyone else.
He got the MVP. And it's bittersweet.
But like any devoted
Say what you want.
Dirk has my heart and your just jealous.
[Source]
And someone else who has my heart is one of our super hot readers, JP, for getting us the link before anyone else.
Labels: lauren's future husband, mavs, mvp
SCENE: Lauren wakes up from a High Life induced coma on a chaise lounge in her backyard. She passed out from heavy drinking at 9pm last night. She is awake now and a bit disoriented.
Lauren: Hey guys! How 'bout them Mavericks! Wooo! All they way baby, all the way!
Friend #1: Uh, Lauren. I don 't know how to tell you this...I'll try and put it gently...they got raped last night. Bent over a table, no lube, raped.
Lauren: (In disbelief) No..no...no...you're wrong. They won. I remember. Game 7 in Dallas...this Saturday...you're wrong...
Friend #2: I'm sorry hun. But it's true. You passed out in the backyard last night before the game started. We hated to wake you because we feared the High Life and Mav loss rage you would be in.
Friend #1: Yeah. We went ahead and removed all beer bottles from the house so you couldn't use them against us.
Lauren: (Now quietly sobbing) Why...why would they do this to me? I feel like I've just had my heartbroken...
Friend #1: Yeah, fuckin' sucks. Sucks to be a Mavs fan. Sucks to be YOU.
Lauren: Harsh dude. Harsh. Why are you still in my house?
Friend #2: I had to have someone help me remove all sharp objects and things that could be turned into a noose from the premisis. We don't trust you Lauren.
Lauren: Man. This is the worst feeling. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And then yelled "Go Warriors!" as I died.
Friend #1: Ha ha. MAVERICKS! MELTDOWN!
Lauren: (In a rage) DUDE! Seriously. I'm kinda upset here.
Friend #1: MAVERICKS! MELTDOWN! DIRK FOR MVP! HAHAHA! LOSERS!
(Lauren who has now noticed that her friends have forgotten about the empty beer bottle she keeps in her sock at all times reaches down and grabs the bottle before her friends can stop her. She breaks it on the coffee table and quickly slashes the throat of Friend #1. In an attempt to stop her, Friend #2 gets cut ugly and runs away screaming.)
Lauren: (covered in blood) Oh God...what have I done? What have the Mavericks done?
AAAANNNNNDDDDD scene.
Lauren: Hey guys! How 'bout them Mavericks! Wooo! All they way baby, all the way!
Friend #1: Uh, Lauren. I don 't know how to tell you this...I'll try and put it gently...they got raped last night. Bent over a table, no lube, raped.
Lauren: (In disbelief) No..no...no...you're wrong. They won. I remember. Game 7 in Dallas...this Saturday...you're wrong...
Friend #2: I'm sorry hun. But it's true. You passed out in the backyard last night before the game started. We hated to wake you because we feared the High Life and Mav loss rage you would be in.
Friend #1: Yeah. We went ahead and removed all beer bottles from the house so you couldn't use them against us.
Lauren: (Now quietly sobbing) Why...why would they do this to me? I feel like I've just had my heartbroken...
Friend #1: Yeah, fuckin' sucks. Sucks to be a Mavs fan. Sucks to be YOU.
Lauren: Harsh dude. Harsh. Why are you still in my house?
Friend #2: I had to have someone help me remove all sharp objects and things that could be turned into a noose from the premisis. We don't trust you Lauren.
Lauren: Man. This is the worst feeling. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And then yelled "Go Warriors!" as I died.
Friend #1: Ha ha. MAVERICKS! MELTDOWN!
Lauren: (In a rage) DUDE! Seriously. I'm kinda upset here.
Friend #1: MAVERICKS! MELTDOWN! DIRK FOR MVP! HAHAHA! LOSERS!
(Lauren who has now noticed that her friends have forgotten about the empty beer bottle she keeps in her sock at all times reaches down and grabs the bottle before her friends can stop her. She breaks it on the coffee table and quickly slashes the throat of Friend #1. In an attempt to stop her, Friend #2 gets cut ugly and runs away screaming.)
Lauren: (covered in blood) Oh God...what have I done? What have the Mavericks done?
AAAANNNNNDDDDD scene.
Labels: heartbreak, mavs, putting those honor thespian skills to work, scene
Okay Mavs fans. It's time to send all of your good energy to Oakland tonight. They will need it in front of that crowd. Gotta get that game 7...gotta get that game 7. Gotta get rid of The Warrior Baron. I'm sick of that beard.
MS Paint skills courtesy of yours truly
And I'm sick of Stephen Jackson. The Sports Hernia didn't miss a beat with their "Stephen Jackson is Constantly Smelling a Bad Fart" observation. It's so true!
I was all geared up today for school. I had my Dirk shirt on, my Mavs PJ pants (I woke up late, it's finals time and I wanted to be comfy) my Mavs hoodie and a Mavs hat. Just call me Superfan. I'm walking through the parking lot and some guy in a truck drove past me and yelled "GO WARRIORS!" I flipped him off but I really wish I could've caught up with that truck. I would have given him a verbal beat down and perhaps a physical one if I could have found a broken beer bottle.
Come to think of it I probably have one in the backseat of my car...damn it.
If you want some real news about the Mavs check out the Moneyball. Finals (school not NBA) are here and I gotta get all my drinking for the weekend in tonight. Priorities. Gotta have 'em.
Labels: mavs
Now baby what's this I hear about you lacking confidence? Oh don't say those things honey, you know you're the greatest.
Shhhh shhh, don't talk like that. Lauren is here to make it all better. Now you lay your sweet German head on my chest and tell me what I can do to make the bad thoughts go away.
Uh huh...ok...well that's not exactly what I had in mind but if you just want me to rub your neck that's ok. I'm here for you, baby.
Now tonight I really need you to go out there and give it hell. I need that Dirk from last year to kick some exercise equipment and score 50 points. I need you to bitch slap that beard off of Baron Davis' face. I want you to break slabs of concrete with your bare hands for me. Show me that you are all that is man.
I know you can do it baby. I have faith in you. I believe in you. I know you want this as bad as I want it. And if you aren't doing it for me (even though I know you are, because I'm like totally cute and how could you not want to do it for me) do it for Bentley Green and the Mavs #1 fan*. What's that baby? You want me to do an inspirational cheer and bounce up and down for you? Of course I will! Anything for you baby!
F-I-R-E UP
THAT'S THE WAY WE SPELL FIRE UP
FIRE UP
YEAH YEAH
FIRE UP
GO MAVS
WOOOO
*Mavs #1 fan was a little boy Mandy and I saw at the season opener that was seated near us. He was about 8 and decked out in Mavs gear. He was in a wheelchair and was the cutest little thing we have ever seen. The kid screamed and cheered louder and longer than anyone else. And when they lost that night he cried huge alligator tears. It was the cutest and saddest thing I have ever seen. That kid knew how to rock.
Labels: lauren's future husband, mavs
Dear Mavs,
Wow. You've really backed yourselves into a corner haven't you? You should've won tonite. You were leading almost the entire game. You were playing solid D, you were getting lots of rebounds, you were doing a decent job making it to the foul line, and you were getting some nice shots. Until the fourth quarter when you started playing sloppy and turning the ball over every other play and you completely forgot how to drive and opted to put up airballs from 3-point range instead. Now you face elimination at the hands of a team who was just a game away from not even making it to the playoffs. Embarrassing.
So I'm going to ask you to do something for me. Tuesday is Game 5. Tuesday is also my birthday. So how 'bout you don't fuck this up and stay in the series? Given the amount of time I've invested in you this season, it'd be pretty shitty to make a Mavs fan cry on her birthday. It's called giving back to the community.
So win.
Love always (so long as you win),
Mandy
Wow. You've really backed yourselves into a corner haven't you? You should've won tonite. You were leading almost the entire game. You were playing solid D, you were getting lots of rebounds, you were doing a decent job making it to the foul line, and you were getting some nice shots. Until the fourth quarter when you started playing sloppy and turning the ball over every other play and you completely forgot how to drive and opted to put up airballs from 3-point range instead. Now you face elimination at the hands of a team who was just a game away from not even making it to the playoffs. Embarrassing.
So I'm going to ask you to do something for me. Tuesday is Game 5. Tuesday is also my birthday. So how 'bout you don't fuck this up and stay in the series? Given the amount of time I've invested in you this season, it'd be pretty shitty to make a Mavs fan cry on her birthday. It's called giving back to the community.
So win.
Love always (so long as you win),
Mandy
Labels: mavs, open letters
BALLS OUT: NOTES ON THE GAME
Published by mandy on 4/26/2007 at 00:35.
*I'm pretty sure Don Nelson drank a fifth or two of vodka in honor of Boris Yeltsin before the game/during halftime. Did you see his hair in the third quarter? Dude was a mess. I bet his breath was flammable. I can't wait until this series is over so Nelly can resume his regular playoff position - drunkenly clinging for dear life onto a guardrail at the Mavs home games as the AAC spins round and round him.
*Did anybody else see Jason Terry playing with his headband covering one eye? Must've been trying out the pirate look. Perhaps he wants to incorporate it into his fashion line.
[*Update: Thanks to the always awesome AA over at Awful Announcing for pointing me to this Jason Terry pic, so that now you’ll all know what the hell I’m talking about. AA has never failed to satisfy a woman.*]
*Mavs were crap from the field, especially behind the arc. (I think they were something like 1 for 16 on 3-pointers. But I don't really know. I'm not a journalist. I don't fact check. I just make shit up.) This was kind of good though, because it made them drive and they racked up the fouls, which lead to the ejections of Baron Davis and Stephen Jackson.
*Davis is a loose cannon. Just look at his beard. The Mavs need to get him riled up again. I see another ejection in his future.
*Dirk played better, but still not like he did in last year's playoffs. I'm expecting a really huge game from him down the line.
*My man Jose Juan got his first playoff minutes. Awww....it's like watching baby's first steps. I'm gonna go write this down in my
*I'm glad Avery took my advice and went big. My motto is always go big. It's never failed me.
Labels: mavs, nba playoffs, warriors
The world now knows of the time I got drunk and picked up a bottle of beer in the parking lot and drank it after a Stars game.
Big time thank you (and maybe a titty flash) to Mr. Irrelevant for including us in his "Out of the basement, onto the game" post.
In case you don't know this is the tale of our favorite in-person sports moment:
Try as we might we never got tickets to the NBA Finals last year, so we made damn sure that we were at the Mavericks home opener against the Spurs this season. Yeah the Mavs lost, but half the fun of the game was heckling the Spurs fans. I got into it with an elderly gentleman, who I completely owned and who had to be escorted out of our section by security. Then after the game we took it upon ourselves to boo and berate every Spurs fan that walked within earshot. That is until we were forcibly removed from the AAC by our male companions, who really didn't want to defend our honor against the hefty Spurs fan headed our way. Perhaps we shouldn't have called her fat. We really should have been ashamed of ourselves, but we knew that somewhere Mark Cuban was smiling.
A close second would have to be the time that Lauren got so belligerently drunk at a Dallas Stars hockey game that she was convinced she was actually at a Dallas Burn soccer game. She wouldn't stop spouting torrents of profanity ("Let's f---innnn go Burrrrnnnn!!!) in front of the children in the neighboring seats and on the way out she decided it would be a great idea to grab a half-drunk beer from the parking lot and polish it off. I'd like to be able to say that I made that last part up, but I definitely didn't. What can I say? We go balls out when it comes to sporting events.
Big time thank you (and maybe a titty flash) to Mr. Irrelevant for including us in his "Out of the basement, onto the game" post.
In case you don't know this is the tale of our favorite in-person sports moment:
Try as we might we never got tickets to the NBA Finals last year, so we made damn sure that we were at the Mavericks home opener against the Spurs this season. Yeah the Mavs lost, but half the fun of the game was heckling the Spurs fans. I got into it with an elderly gentleman, who I completely owned and who had to be escorted out of our section by security. Then after the game we took it upon ourselves to boo and berate every Spurs fan that walked within earshot. That is until we were forcibly removed from the AAC by our male companions, who really didn't want to defend our honor against the hefty Spurs fan headed our way. Perhaps we shouldn't have called her fat. We really should have been ashamed of ourselves, but we knew that somewhere Mark Cuban was smiling.
A close second would have to be the time that Lauren got so belligerently drunk at a Dallas Stars hockey game that she was convinced she was actually at a Dallas Burn soccer game. She wouldn't stop spouting torrents of profanity ("Let's f---innnn go Burrrrnnnn!!!) in front of the children in the neighboring seats and on the way out she decided it would be a great idea to grab a half-drunk beer from the parking lot and polish it off. I'd like to be able to say that I made that last part up, but I definitely didn't. What can I say? We go balls out when it comes to sporting events.
During halftime last night they showed the Mavs Blooper reel. Here it is for all to enjoy:
(it's only 4 minutes long)
The best part is at the 1:08 mark.
Man, Dirk and I belong together. The Mick Jagger impression is my favorite.
(it's only 4 minutes long)
The best part is at the 1:08 mark.
Man, Dirk and I belong together. The Mick Jagger impression is my favorite.
Labels: lauren's future husband, mavs, youtube goodness
