I owe you a tale. A tale of drunken hilarity. On the e-bus. In Austin, TX. (I promise no more fragments.)

Well a normal night in Austin (drinking on 6th street, almost getting tattoos, eating a Best Wurst) led myself and a group of some rowdy rabelrousers to the E-bus. We were trying to make our way to West Campus and ended up taking a long, loud, crazy bus trip.

We made our way to the back of the bus where a group of some drunken boys were already holding camp. I don't remember how it happened (very, very drunk) and I tried to decipher my notes (hastily written as I decided (drunkenly) that this would be good post material) but they are no help at all.

Apparently there was a guy in a knock-off lacoste polo shirt that had a HUGE Boston tattoo on his leg. His "friend" (brown shirt guy) proceeded to call him "Fag", and other names. This perked the ears of many in my group who would just assume join in on the shenanigans. Attacking him with a barrage of insults led to an extremely loud chant of "FUCK TOM BRADY" over and over and over again. One of my girlfriend's hand was sticking out in the aisle and she thought she brushed by his crotch as the bus hit a bump. Upon realizing she didn't, she let everyone know that she hit nothing because this guy "Had no balls!" After screaming this brown shirt guy let us know that his friend was in fact Jewish (I was under the impression that people of that faith weren't supposed to get tattoos, hmph) and "no one would want to fuck those Jewish balls." In his defense, sort of, he defended he love of all things Boston with great passion. Fucker had it coming. And I hope no one tries to "fuck his balls", no matter what his balls believe, because I have a feeling that would be an awkward sexual position.

After they had their share of attacking him (he finally moved to the front of the bus) it was made obvious that everyone at the back were Cowboy's fans. This started more chants of "FUCK TOM BRADY."

After the bus ride was over, we made our long trek down the street to my friends apartment. She happens to live quite close to quite a few frat houses so our chants of "FUCK TOM BRADY" were always echoed. One of our group said that he could sum up the weekend with just those three words.

Labels: ATX, drunken busrides, random, road trip, shenanigans, tom brady, tomfoolery

I've personally never heard of "Bike Week" before, but apparently it's a big deal -- and it involves a lot of death and a lot of old, dimpled flesh writhing around in a side dish. After looking through this coleslaw wrestling photo gallery, I'm pretty sure most Bike Week attendees ended up praying for the former.

A long-standing tradition in Daytona Beach, Fla., Bike Week attracts hundreds of thousands of bikers and motorcylce [sic] enthusiasts to the beach each year. It all began in 1937, when the first motorcyle [sic] race was driven on a 3.2-mile beach and road course. Now, it's a 10-day event with hundreds of events. The festivities do have a grim side. Many bikers lose their lives during the event or driving to or from it. In 2006, a record 21 bikers were killed.

This year one of the events featured in the "10-day event with hundreds of events" was the first (and presumably last) annual Sopotnik's Cabbage Patch Slaw Wrestling Tournament. And man, was it ever sexy.

Three contestants - all large, mean-looking women covered with equal parts coleslaw and sweat and a dab of blood here and there for effect - grabbed one of the judges, dragged him into the wrestling pit, ripped off his britches and waved his underwear in the air.

As for the wrestling itself, I'll spare you the details except to say that the winner - a blond woman with a cobra tattooed on her behind - walked away with $400, which should help replace all the clothes that she somehow managed to lose in the fight.

[Ed. Note ~ Oh Florida, with such stellar copy editing and sexy sporting events how could old people not want to live out their golden years in you?]

As if the 21 deaths in 2006 weren't tragic enough, Bike Week really upped the ante this year. I'll never look at coleslaw the same way again. I'm pretty sure I'd rather re-eat the vomit I just spewed all over my monitor than serve coleslaw at my next barbecue.


[Orlando Sentinel] - there's video if you dare!


Ok guys, I'm sorry for subjecting you to that. As restitution let me redirect your eyes to something on the opposite end of the sexy spectrum. Insert your own "I'd like to live out my golden years in her" joke here.

Drunk, naked college cheerleaders

Peter Crouch's super hot girlfriend frolicking around in a bikini

Naked Gisele

and for the ladies...

Hot MLS boys in a hot tub

Labels: avert your eyes, ewww, random

No, this story isn't about hockey - it's about hilarity.

The coach of the Lockview Dragons, a Canadian high school hockey team, was fired on Wednesday when parents complained that some of his players had changed their bio information in the team program. So why were the parents in such a tizzy over a few bio edits you ask?

One player's bio says he enjoys "some meat between his buns." Another's says he likes hunting and fishing and warns women that he shares his bed with a huge weapon. A third player's write-up says he "could be coming into your mouth sooner than you think as he seeks a profession in dental hygenics (sic) in the near future." Another bio refers to a player's desire to visit pop singer Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. And another caption says a player wants to become a motivational speaker for the hearing impaired.

I don't know what the big fuss was all about - those look pretty much like Lauren and my bios from the Drama Club playbills, except....oh wait....we were in Drama Club, so we really didn't have to try to get people to laugh at us.

But anywayssss....things didn't turn out too badly for the Lockview Dragons because the offensive bios weren't discovered until after the season was already over and their coach was only a volunteer coach anyways.

So, well played Dragons. That's just the kind of low brow, juvenile humor that we endorse around these parts.


[Source] via Deadspin

(And check out the first comment following the article @ the source. It's almost as hilarious as the bios.)

Labels: for the lulz, hockey, random

What do these things have in common?

Sure Plaxico can predict a Super Bowl win...but can he tell me what lies ahead for my future? Can he tell me who my soul mate is? What job I will end up in? WHAT DAY I WILL DIE???

Well, The Wade Blogs has just those answers.

No, they don't know when I'm going to die, but they do have a shit ton of Plaxico predictions.

He's no Dionne Warwick, but damn with some blush, a little bit of mascara, well we could try. He's a pretty man. But I don't he could sing it like her.

Ah man, now I have "Do you know the way to San Jose" stuck in my head. Speaking of Dionne Warwick, she was the subject of one of my favorite parts in one of my favorite movies, My Best Friends Wedding (Oh shut up I've loved it since I was like 13). Haha. Oh man.

"Who's Dionne Warwick?"

"She's Whitney Houston's aunt!"

Ah, Hell to the NO! Oh Whitney Houston. Man this post is going everywhere. Doody bubbles.

Jesus. I can't stop laughing. Whew....

[The Wade Blogs]

Labels: plexico is like mexico, random, this post had a point i swear

Man, we decide to make a comeback and absolutely nothing is going on in the world of sports. Just perfect. This is almost as disappointing as Britney Spears's "comeback." And speaking of Britney, it's slow news days like these when I wish she played some sort of professional sport. I'd never be at a loss for things to blog about.


I was going to post something about the Mavericks-Warriors matchup the other day, but I got distracted by how outlandishly large Baron Davis's ass is and couldn't think of anything else worth mentioning.


So while I can't promise any quality posts today (or ever), I can promise that I will drink a few cans of Steel Reserve and blog about the Steelers playoff game tomorrow. I can't promise it will be funny, coherent, or even intelligible, but then again are my posts ever? (Hint: NO.) But I can promise to be drunk.

My predictions for the wild card playoff games tomorrow are as follows:

Seahawks v. Redskins - Seahawks fans will complain about the officiating for at least a solid year. Unless they win.

Steelers v. Jaguars - While in the throes of a Steel Reserve-induced haze I will make a "Faguars" pun and think it's hilarious. Then I will loudly repeat said pun until someone acknowledges it with pity laughter or punches me in the face.

See you guys tomorrow.

Labels: baron davis, chronic alcoholism, nfl playoffs, random

Why yes, it is a slow news day. However did you know?

Speaking of irrelevant "news" stories, anyone else catch Kobe and the Lakers in short shorts Sunday?


[Dlisted, Towerload]

Labels: becks, lakers, random

Yes, Vick got indicted. And dog fighting makes me sick to my stomach.

But thanks to the Ron Mexico name generator I will now use the name Bianca Kiribati when I am seeking treatment for my porn addiction. And when Mandy goes to her doctor to get help for that carpel tunnel injury in her wrist (due to furiously masturbating to Ben Roflsberger's picture) she will use the alias Maria Liechtenstein.



Read more about the indictment here: [Deadspin]

Labels: ben roflsberger, geography is fun, mike vick, random

Everybody's jumping on the t-shirt craze that Wizznutzz started (well, actually I think it was a Beatles shirt first) and goddammit now I want one too. Except instead of the '98 Bullets Bench shirt, I want the '07 Mavs Bench. But not the second team, the deep bench. The guys that only play when we've got a 30 point lead in the 4th or when we've already clinched the #1 seed in the playoffs and have absolutely nothing to lose.

I should probably add Mbenga in there too. He's just so deep (and injured) I forgot he even existed.


Don't even try and tell me I wouldn't be the coolest kid in school with this shirt on.

Labels: nba, random, shirts

I love it. Andres Nocioni facing off with Blanka. And I just learned that Street Fighter has collectible cards. How do I not own these?

And speaking of trading cards, Our Book of Scrap dropped us a line to let us know that Upper Deck is launching its Spectrum Baseball 2007 cards. Some of the features of the cards are:

Major League Baseball stars: autographed inserts of celebrities from the 1970s and '80s, actors and musicians whose fame -- like the speed of a Maddux fastball, despite his continued greatness -- has arguably faded in recent years.

I'm so excited! There is going to be a Anthony Michael Hall card! That is simply amazing. I am so glad Doug the Stud gave me the heads up. They must know of my undying love for the MAH. Much like my love for the Neil Patrick Harris.

I'm noticing a pattern...the AMH...the NPH...alright another way to my pants heart is have a last name that begins with an H. Man, I'm easy.

*My apologies to Mr. Hall

Labels: links, nerdin' out, random

Because you know I can never get enough Kaman, here's a recent NBATV piece about how Chris Kaman and his team deals with his Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. (So that's why he's been a completely unfocused mess on the court this year??) Take note of the incredibly melodramatic score. It's not cancer NBATV, it's ADHD.





[My Kaman fix was supplied by AOL Fanhouse]

Labels: chris kaman, mandy's one true love, random

Seriously, even Tom Brady wouldn't be caught dead wearing that thing.

Anyways...Beckham's injured knee kept him off the field this week, but apparently not out of the tattoo parlor. Tattoo number 10 appears to be an extension of a scene with clouds and angels from his upper arm inscribed with a quote from the Roman emperor Caligula which reads "Let them hate, so long as they fear."

Caligula, eh? Interesting choice. Though given Beckham's reputation I suppose it's fitting. The tattoo's fug, but I'd still hit it. Provided he got rid of the scarf.


[Via Towerload]

Labels: becks, random, soccer

According to the Dallas Morning News' Mavericks Blog, the Mavs are bringing in Kevin Willis "for a workout on Thursday to find out if he might be a viable option for their vacant roster spot."

Now, not to knock Kevin Willis' talent - he's a mean rebounder- but I remember Kevin playing for the Houston Rockets back when I still lived there (in '96-'98 and '01) and I remember him being old even then.


Yeah, a quick check of the facts shows that Kevin will be turning 45(!) this September. Which makes him 4 years older than Dikembe Mutombo, the league's current oldest player, and way older than Robert Horry.



Willis retired at the end of the '04-'05 season and if he were to return this would be his 21st season in the NBA.

Wow, I really hope this is true just for the geriatric joke fodder it would provide, but if the Mavs already seemingly passed on Reggie Miller and Scottie Pippen can't break back into the game then what chance does Kevin Willis have?


Also, this really doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I just wanted to point out this fun bullet I noticed in Willis' NBA.com player bio:

*Majored in fashion design at MSU

I'll spare you the John Amaechi gay joke. Just this once. But only because 80% of my recent posts have including gay jokes. Time for some new material.


[Thanks to TrueHoop for the Robert Horry fun]

Labels: kevin willis, mavs, nba, random

Truth be told NCAA coverage makes me yawn. Mandy isn't doing too bad on her Pittsburgh Celebrity NCAA Pool. But I think we both agree that the e-sports world is kind of boring during this time.

I decided that on this rain filled Monday I would instead find some brackets even I could get into.

Luckily Collegehumor.com is always ready for me.

Their Disney Princess bracket is just what I need. Now, I'm not saying I'm an expert on the subject...but I do know a 5-year-old who is (not mine). And although I can't believe Ariel got taken down in the first round, I am glad to see Belle in the finals. In my humble opinion I think she should triumph over Sleeping Beauty.


And if that is just a little too girly for you, how about Bullz-eye.com's Badass bracket? Round 1 is over, but there is still time to vote in Round 2.

Yes. This will do. I was so excited about this bracket I passed out. But don't worry, it's not a health issue. I pass out all the time. Usually it's because I see my own dead sexy reflection in the mirror. But sometimes it's because Mandy reminds me how awesome we are, and in turn I fall down.

Labels: brackets, ncaa, random, tomfoolery

Ok this comes from the comments on NBC's SNL site:

Peyton Manning is too classy for this show. I now remember why I no longer watch SNL
NWI
March 24 - 9:01pm PT

HAHHAHAHAHAHHA.

Labels: hilarity, peyton manning, random, snl

Tom Cavanagh, of Ed and Love Monkey "fame", was just on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and regaled us with his tale of how he tried to go to Minxx that fateful night in February.

No new details, it actually sounded like he read it straight from here. But the best part of the interview was Conan's questioning the act of "making it rain."

"Do you have like an air gun?"

Well Conan, there were guns involved...but not of the air variety.

And in true Lauren fashion, I posted that just so I could post something else. Tom was there to promote Gray Matters. Yes, the one where Tom Brady's baby mama makes out with rollergirl.

Thank me later. Even if you've seen it on TV. Just thank me later.

Labels: lezzzin out, random, the rainmaker, youtube goodness

We had our fun with the p33n, well here's some ScarJo for all you boys out there.

She's taking a break from "acting" and boning JTimberlake to create a clothing line for Reebok. “It’s a lifestyle collection. You can go directly from the gym, slip it on [and] go to meet your friends for coffee. [It’s] a mixture of both the ultrafeminine and urban lifestyle.”

Sorry to all you boys out there. No revealing tops, crotchless panties, and no see through fabrics.

Cute shoes, though.

Danke to JustJared.
With Leather broke it here.

Labels: hos, random, reebok, ScarJo

THE NEXT CAST FOR DANCING

WITH THE STARS!

NBA All-star arrests? Pssh. I know what people want.

The entire list can be found here. But former models, Heather "crazy peg leg ho" Mills, ex-boy band members, and Steve Sanders mean jack shit to me.

What I came here for is the athletes. I was rooting for Emmit throughout the whole of the last season and I loved watching Jerry Rice and Evander Holyfield the seasons before.

I think this season will defiantly bring some quality entertainment to the table with Apolo Anton Ohno and Clyde Drexler filling the athlete spots. Ohno probably won't be anything too exciting. You know he'll be good with all that fancy footwork what with all that speed skating that kid does. (And he fills in the spot for adorable, am I right ladies?) But Clyde Drexler? I think we have found the GGS favorite.


Clyde the Glide for Dancing with the Stars champion!

On Monday nights just be sure to use your free hand to pick up the phone and vote for him. Unless of course you want a member of Phi Slama Jama to lose to the "star" who sang 'Achy Breaky Heart.' And if that's how you feel may you rot in hell, sir. Or ma'am.

If this post doesn't prove my (sports loving) womanhood, I don't know what will. Well, besides titty pics...

Labels: dumb television, nba, random

(yes, that's my bottle of water and my copy of the entire series of "1st and 10" (behind it) on DVD which was also purchased at big lots)

I love when athletes sponsor shit. Because of Troy Aikman I use Acme Brick. When I discovered cracks in my foundation I, of course, turned to Olshan foundation repair thanks to Nolan Ryan. I switched my cell phone coverage to Sprint due to the laser rocket arm himself. And although my Viagra comes from across the border and not a pharmacist, I was still convinced to try it after seeing Rafael Palmeiro's commercial.

Nash's role as the water boy is at least a noble one. It's for an effort to create safe water supplies in developing countries around the world blah blah blah. And if you go to the Clearly Canadian website they have some prizes and stuff.

The hoser water should give me the grand prize for just talking about it.

I don't think there is any flavored water in that man's system in that picture...


And in other greasy Canadian news: Nash should be back for Tuesday night's game. After testing his shoulder in practice on Monday he hopes to return for Tuesday night's game against (fellow crazy hair) Chris Kaman and the clippers. "Steve looked great," Creepy D'Antoni said. "His legs looked great." D'Antoni better be glad his sweet legs Nash is coming back. They are 4 games behind my Mavs.

Labels: flavored water, Nash, nba, random

Posted on Deadspin was this gem:



Upon viewing, Mandy and I had this to say:

L: Romo should be in the audience at a Carrie Underwood concert.
M: More like Romo should be IN Carrie Underwood. Heh heh heh heh.
L: Heh heh heh.
(10 minutes of immature snickering)
L: Poor Ryan Cabrera. No one wants you on stage.


What You See After You Hang Out With The Gonzaga Basketball Team

Tony Romo and Mr. Belding Singing...

Labels: hilarity, random, romo, youtube goodness