So remember back in February when I told you guys that the Kidd-Harris trade was the worst idea in the history of ever? When I said "the Mavs will be lucky if Jason Kidd even gets them into the playoffs"? (7th seed! down from 4th pre-Kidd) And when some of you idiots told me that I was wrong and that it was an awesome trade?

Well fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk you guys. Don't ever doubt me again. I'm right about everything. Booyah.

Labels: jason kidd, mandy is always right, mavs, rants

First that utterly retarded Shaq to Suns trade and now THIS?!

[Jason] Kidd, who turns 35 next month, would go to Dallas with an unmistakable mandate: Bring a title for a team and career that are desperately seeking it. As part of the trade, the Mavericks would also send Jerry Stackhouse, Devean George, DeSagna Diop, Maurice Ager and $3 million to New Jersey. Along with Kidd, the Nets send reserve forward Malik Allen to the Mavs.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. What is wrong with the NBA right now? Why would God let this happen??? He had me believing in him for a quick minute after the Super Bowl, but now I just don't know... I can only assume that those racketeering NBA refs are behind this.

So let me see if I have this straight - the Mavericks are effectively trading their entire defense, almost their entire bench, and first round draft picks in 2008 and 2010 in return for a waaaaay-past-his-prime-shoots-under- 37%-from-the-field Jason Kidd and Malik Allen?

Who the fuck even is Malik Allen?? I'm sure his 5.4 points, 2.7 rebounds, and .6 assists per game really sweetened the pot on this poorly thought out deal.

There is just absolutely no making sense of this trade. If you want to try and tell me that Devin Harris is injury prone and that Jason Kidd is an upgrade as a point guard, well fuck you. And you are wrong. Sure, the Jason Kidd from 5 years ago was better, but the stats just don't bear that out now.

• Harris's current salary: Just under $4,000,000
• Kidd current salary: Just under $20,000,000

• Harris's age: 24
• Kidd's age: 34
  
  
• Offensive efficiency of the team Harris runs: 2nd in the league
• Offensive efficiency of the team Kidd runs: 25th

• Devin Harris's PER: 18.64
• Jason Kidd's PER: 16.0

• According to 82games, for every 100 possessions Devin Harris is on the floor, Dallas scores almost 12 points more than the same number of possesions without Harris.
• With Kidd, that number is five.
  

• When Harris is on the court, the Mavericks have outscored opponents by 217 points this season. When he is off the court, the Mavericks have been outscored by 11. Harris is, therefore, +228.
• When Kidd is on the court, the Nets have been outscored by 154. When he is off the court the Nets have been outscored by 116. Kidd is, therefore, -38.

• Devin Harris's record in the NBA Finals: 2-4.
• Jason Kidd's record in the NBA Finals: 2-8.

Obviously we're making this trade for a short-term run for the championship, but we're also mortgaging the future of our team. We're losing a point guard who would have served us well for years to come in Devin Harris, a key clutch player in Jerry Stackhouse, a key defensive player in Devean George, and a key player in match ups against Tim Duncan, Paul Gasol and Shaq (man, that's weird to say) in Diop. And all of that for Jason Kidd. If we wanted to get an oldie olsen on the team, we should've just brought back Kevin Willis.

But what hurts me the most is that if this trade goes through, I will no longer be able to take my "Diop it like it's hot" and "Stack that ass up" signs with me to Mavs games. And that's just a fucking shame.

Turns out I severely underestimated just how crazy Mark Cuban is. I'm half expecting us to trade Dirk for Shaq next. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I just know that I want to kick Mark Cuban in his stupid fake hips.


EDIT: ALL PRAISE DEVEAN GEORGE FOR AT LEAST TEMPORARILY THROWING A WRENCH IN THIS THING!

Labels: diop, jason kidd, jerry stackhouse, mavs, nba, rants

Warning: Rant Ahead! Not for the tl;dr crowd! Just head on down the page to the next post!

As I mentioned earlier this week, I've been tormented lately by the thought of a Patriots v. Cowboys Super Bowl. Sure, I know the playoffs are different from the regular season and anything can happen (6th seed!) but as of right now that terrible possibility is still lurking around the corner and I think it needs to be addressed.

Why would this be such an evil Super Bowl you ask? [Ed. Note - Actually you probably didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyways.] Patriots v. Cowboys would be an evil, unwatchable Super Bowl because it pits the two most unlikeable teams in the NFL against each other - there will be no underdogs, there will be no feel good stories, there will be only pure, unmitigated hate - so who the hell are you supposed to root for?

Here are my, and America's, problems with both teams:


THE DALLAS COWBOYS

Ok, so as a yinzer I'm a little biased here. There was a joke when I was growing up outside Pittsburgh that went "What's your favorite football team? The Stillers. What's your second favorite football team? Whoever's playing the Cowboys."

But notwithstanding that disclosure, the Dallas Cowboys are still one of, if not the most, reviled team in America. This is such an accepted fact that I've heard it casually mentioned at least 3 times during Monday/Sunday Night Football this season alone. (And I didn't even watch all the games!) People have the kind of hatred for the Cowboys that inspires them to write books about it.



Don't believe me? Just do a cursory Google search for "I hate the Dallas Cowboys." You'll see. (Just for comparisons sake, a Google search for "I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers" yields only an interview with Carson Palmer and a website that makes I hate [your favorite team] shirts.)

Sure, their fans are probably screaming "America's Team!" by now and they might even point to that Harris Interactive Poll earlier this year that labeled the Cowboys the most popular team in America, but I'll take the 220,354 person Scarborough Sports Marketing survey that declared the Steelers and the Packers the most popular teams in the NFL (Dallas wasn't even in the top 10) over that 2,392 person, 1,182 of whom follow professional football, Harris Interactive survey. I think even the Campbell's Chunky Click For Cans results are more reliable than that survey.

One of the reasons I think the Cowboys are so unlikeable is because they insist upon themselves. Season after season they declare themselves the greatest team in the NFL, despite the fact that they haven't won a playoff game since 1996. They call themselves "America's Team" when most of America hates them or couldn't care less about them. They proclaim Tony Romo the son of God despite the fact that he's never won a playoff game and has choked hardcore and cost them on multiple occasions. (People sure weren't that kind or prone to hyperbole towards Peyton Manning before he won the Super Bowl.) He's more famous for his love life than his prowess on the field.

Another reason the Cowboys are so unlikeable is because their fans are the biggest assholes in America. Trust me. Just come to Dallas and watch a game with these douchebags. I've had multiple Cowboys fans remark to me that they can't stand to be in a bar with other Cowboys fans - they are just that awful.

The Cowboys fan is a powerful combination of inbreeding and unwarranted arrogance. The only thing a Cowboys fan loves more than the Cowboys would be a deep-fried gun that shoots out Bible verses and prevents women from having abortions. And even then it'd have to be camo and come with a case of Lone Star or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ugh. I have no words to express how deeply I hate Cowboys fans and I can't wait for more unintelligible, semi-literate "Omg Tony Romo is teh best!!!1 Ben Roflsburger didn't wear a helmet and crashed his motorcycle!" comments from those mouth-breathers. It only proves my point.

As for the players, they aren't really any more likeable than the fans. The Cowboys have a storied history of douchey players and hardened felons on their roster - from Michael Irvin to T.O.

Do I even need to mention Jerry Jones or that godawful "How 'bout them Cowboys?" slogan?

It's just impossible to like these guys and get behind them. We'd all rather see them fail. Nothing makes me happier than a disappointed Cowboys fan. Legend has it, every time a Cowboys fan cries, an angel gets its wings.

[Ed. Note - You're probably asking yourself how I can be friends with Lauren, a loyal Cryboys fan. Well, the answer is quite simple. We never discuss our respective teams. We just make fun of the remaining 30.]


THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS



There isn't much to say on this front that hasn't already been said. But in short, they're hateable because:

1. They cheat. Repeatedly. And they really don't give a fuck what you think about it.
2. Bill Belichick is the Archdouche of the NFL - he's a smug, conniving, unrepentant, wife-stealing, stupid-cutoff-hoodie-wearing, evil genius. You know you want to punch that shit-eating grin off his face. I sure do.
3. That whole holier than thou "winning with class" bullshit. They talk more trash than most teams.
4. Randy "I play when I want to play" Moss - the T.O. of the Patriots.
5. They've got a monopoly on winning the Super Bowl lately. Fans love dynasties; everyone else hates them. Enough already.
6. Massholes.
7. Did I mention that they cheat?


So yeah, pretty much the only way I could enjoy, or even watch, a possible Super Bowl between these two would be if a meteor crashed into the University of Phoenix Stadium killing all the players, the fans, and Chris Berman.

Labels: dallas cowboys, man i hate the cowboys, new england patriots, rants, super bowl

I had planned on putting up a few posts tonite, but I decided I should go ahead and watch the Dallas Stars' first playoff game beforehand. Bad choice. Thanks to the crazy NHL playoff rules (Shootouts? What shootouts?) the game which started at 9:00 p.m. CST is now entering its 4th 20-minute overtime period at 2:00 a.m. As I have to be up at 5:30 a.m., I'm going to go ahead and call it a nite morning. It's tied at 4-4 right now. Somebody let me know how it ends, provided that it does, in fact end.

Labels: most pointless post ever, nhl, rants

If there's one thing I hate about watching the Dallas Mavericks on local TV, it's definitely not the surprising Rick Astley-like quality of Mark Followill's voice or his repeated use of the phrase "silky smooth" to describe players' shots - no, it's Gina Miller.

Now, I do have to admit that I get some moderate amusement from watching her interaction with Derek Harper. It's a lot like watching the old SNL Point/Counterpoint Weekend Update sketches with Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd. Derek never actually comes out and says "Gina, you ignorant slut," but it's pretty obvious that he loathes this bitch every bit as much as I do. Gina asks the players her typical fluff questions from the sidelines and then spends the post-game show with her face buried in her stat sheets. Derek, on the other hand, brings a little experience and insight to the proceedings and sans stat sheets he condescendingly corrects Gina throughout the show. I get the feeling that by the end of it he's ready to rip that stack of papers right out of her hands and smack her across the face with them, or better yet, give her a paper cut deep enough to slit her stupid throat. Or at least that's what I want to do. Every time I hear him utter "actually Gina..." or "well, if you were watching the game..." I smile and laugh a knowing little laugh to myself. I should really just make a drinking game out of it.

All of this just brings me to my larger question - why is it so hard to find competent female sportscasters or at least find female sportscasters that don't make me want to punch them in the face every time they come onscreen? Now we here at GGS are all for having female sports commentators - we are women after all - just not the dolts they've got on the sidelines now. Off the top of my head, the only women commentators who don't make me denounce feminism and declare that women should not be allowed to talk about sports are the ladies of tennis - Mary Carillo, Mary Joe Fernandez, et al and basketball's Cheryl Miller (or "Regina" as she is known to Lauren.)

These women are all, not surprisingly, former athletes. I guess that's what it takes to speak intelligently about sports as a woman on TV. You may have other additions to this list, but keep in mind - I don't care. You may want to defend Gina Miller's sports credentials (According to her bio, she interned with the Rockets and won a championship ring with them back in the 90s. Whatever that means. I'm a blogger, not a journalist. I don't do research. I have no idea.), but keep in mind - I don't care. You may ask what gives me the right to talk about sports as a woman? Well, let me point you to my illustrious basketball career. Yeah, that's right, they called me Mandy Jordan, now let's move on.

There are only 2 qualities that I demand from a female sports announcer, that she a.) be able to speak competently about the sport that she is covering, and if this is not possible, that she at least b.) is hot. I don't even ask that she be both. I happen to be, but I don't hold everyone to the same high standards I hold myself accountable to. It just wouldn't be fair.

In regards to requirement a.), I just mean that she should be able to ask the appropriate questions of players, have a clear knowledge of the game and the players, and y'know maybe bring a little something to the discussion and not look completely out of place like most lady sportscasters do. In regards to requirement b.) I mean hot, not "newscaster hot." Because regardless of what a drunken Joe Namath may lead you to believe, Suzy Kolber is not hot and has never before or again inspired such a reaction from a man drunk or sober. And Michele Tafoya should never be viewed on HDTV. The people who seem to think these ladies are attractive are the same people who try and convince you that Katie Couric is cute and perky. She is neither of these things. She is a dead, lifeless whore and the reason men watch her on the Today Show is so their morning wood can subside and they can go to work respectably - not because she is attractive or perky. Someone needs to put a red-blooded American male in charge of hiring these broads because it seems like Prince Charles or George Bush Sr. has been hand selecting these old maids.

So without further adieu, here is a short list of the ladies I'd like to see in front of the sports lens. Your comments and suggestions are by all means welcome:

1. Joumana Kidd

Sexy and crazy. A terrible combination for relationships, as Jason Kidd will tell you, but a perfect combination for TV. She may not be allowed at the Nets home games, but she can certainly embarrass and emasculate Jason Kidd at away games or just manage to interject tidbits about him while doing commentary on any game. I can just picture her courtside at a Miami Heat game praising Dwyane Wade and saying how she wished Jason had that kind of talent and how she wished she'd married a winner like D-Wade and not a half-breed loser like Jason. Then she'd fill in any silences with stories of how Jason kicked her until there was blood in her urine or how small his penis is. Not only would this make for awesome commentary, it'd also make for a very quick divorce settlement. Seriously Joumana, jump on it. And I want a 10% cut on your TV deal and the divorce payout since it was my idea.


2. Gisele Bundchen


I never really know what this bitch is saying, but does it really matter to anyone when you look like this? She's Tom Brady's girlfriend, so maybe she could share some embarrassing personal stories about him to at least humanize the guy and make him seem a little less perfect and a little less hatable. Or if that fails, she could always get a pointer or two about emasculation from Joumana. Or better yet, a torrid Tom Brady-Gisele-Bridget Moynahan love triangle could unfold right before our eyes on Monday Night Football. Kind of like Desperate Housewives, but on Monday and less gay.



3. Lisa Leslie




OK Lisa, are you ever gonna get back on the court? If you're not gonna play, I at least want you commentating. Seriously, earn your keep in my eyes. It's not like you have anything better to do like raise a child. (And yes, I know she's done it before, but I want her back.)






4. Scarlett Johansson

Other than the huge rack, I've never really understood the appeal of ScarJo,
but men, particularly sports bloggers, seem to think she's pretty hot shit. But why a sportscaster you ask? Whatever it take to keep this manly-voiced, one-note actress off the big screen. How many times can you play the same character you played in Lost in Translation? I've never seen anyone so devoid of talent make such a career out of big tits and a pouty mouth Well, no one who is opposed to taking her clothes off for money that is. Hey, remember when Woody Allen used to have talented muses and make good movies? Yeah, that was awesome.



5. Elisha Cuthbert



She's hot, she dates Sean Avery, and she's even got her own hockey blog over on NHL.com. And if there's one thing I've learned from this website, it's that blogging about something totally makes you an authority on it. However, due to her propensity towards wearing see-through shirts, she might not be hirable at ESPN.




And yes, I totally left Eva Longoria off this list on purpose. I see enough of her mug already. And the last thing I want to hear about for 2 hours is her cooing over Tony Parker or talking about their wedding invitations.

Labels: gisele, joumana kidd, lisa leslie, mark followill, rants, ScarJo