No, not Mario Lopez, Dale Earnhart Jr., or Tanya Tucker.
It's
So today, dear horny reader, take time to celebrate Diamond Dave's bday. Maybe stand on a chair and jump off doing a toe touch and wearing a sparkly leotard. Don't have a leotard? Borrow Oscar De La Hoya's fishnets. Can't jump off a chair because of that back injury you obtained while trying out that one position during sex that ended up giving you a Charlie horse? Well in that case strut around declaring yourself to be the "Ice cream Man", or my personal favorite "Just a gigolo." 
And while you're at it, wish Brett Favre a happy 38 years. Because without him other bloggers wouldn't be able to make old man jokes about him. And Cialis stock would drop dramatically. And I wouldn't get that salt and pepper fantasy about him in his heartburn or cholesterol medicine commercial out of my dreams.Labels: brett favre, happy birthday, laurens awesome paint skills, van halen
While Mark Philippoussis picked the kitten, Salty picked the cougar. And impregnated her. And went to the same high school as her (she was a teacher, he was student). And because I always look for some reason to reference Van Halen, Salty had it bad, had it bad, had it bad, he was hot for teacher.
He's freakin' hot. Married doesn't stop me. His last name is the longest in MLB history and I can only wonder what else on him is long.
No matter how many times I see and hear his name I will refer to him as Saltimbocca. It's my favorite place to eat Bruschetta and it's easier to say.
He can do that to my bottom lip anytime...mmmm...I love the taste of salty stuff...all sorts of salty stuff...
"That's the saltiest thing I've ever tasted. And I once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!"
Labels: futurama refrences, panty creamer, salty, van halen
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back,
To earth, who can tell?
My helicopter found it's way to Kaman's island. It wasn't hard to find. It kind of reminded me of something I'd seen in the movies...
I made my way onto the shore of the island and a chill went down my spine. I felt like someone...or something was watching me. Luckily I had brought along my favorite machete and was able to cut through the dense jungle. I hoped all of the valuable skills I learned as a Girl Scout would come back to me.
But they didn't.
And I was fucked.
So I resorted to the only search and rescue method I knew: The Buddy System. Whenever the buddy system is activated Mandy and I are together. So I immediately started shouting "BUDDY! BUDDY! BUDDY! O MANDY WHERE ART THOU???"
My plan failed. Using the buddy system in the jungle does not work. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that is does. They are wrong.
I was getting frustrated and tired and I was about to loose my mind when I heard the opening riff to Van Halen's "Panama." SHE MUST BE CLOSE! Somewhere within earshot was my sweet, sweet Mandy and she was rocking.
I followed the sound of David Lee Roth's voice and ended up at the bottom of a very, very, very long staircase that lead to a house atop a hill. (How I didn't notice that house from the beach I don't know. Damn my female eye always noticing detail and not the big picture.)
I made my way up the stairs in speedy time and was surprised to find the door unlocked. The inside of the house was even creepier than the island. I could hear strange animal noises coming from various places in the house. And I was not prepared for what awaited me...
At last! Face to face with Kaman! He sat at his table with a fierce look in his eye and his blond locks falling around his face. I wielded my machete and demanded to see Mandy.
He said nothing.
I screamed at him to give Mandy back to me!
He replied with that constant glassy stare of his.
A door flew open! It was she! My BFF! Standing the door way! I ran to her and we embraced. We held each other for what seemed like forever...until Kaman's icy stare was broken with tears.
He stood up and grasped both of us in a giant bear hug. As he sobbed he whispered "I can't keep the two of you apart, it just isn't meant for us to be together..."
I scooped Mandy up in my arms and carried her out of the island Officer and a Gentlemen style. I had my blog partner back and nothing would take her away from me again...
She is back with us grateful readers! And she will tell her tale soon...look forward to it! Until then, enjoy some Europe!
Labels: europe makes any post better, laurens awesome paint skills, van halen, where in the world is mandy sandiego
