If there's one thing I hate about watching the Dallas Mavericks on local TV, it's definitely not the surprising Rick Astley-like quality of Mark Followill's voice or his repeated use of the phrase "silky smooth" to describe players' shots - no, it's Gina Miller.

Now, I do have to admit that I get some moderate amusement from watching her interaction with Derek Harper. It's a lot like watching the old SNL Point/Counterpoint Weekend Update sketches with Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd. Derek never actually comes out and says "Gina, you ignorant slut," but it's pretty obvious that he loathes this bitch every bit as much as I do. Gina asks the players her typical fluff questions from the sidelines and then spends the post-game show with her face buried in her stat sheets. Derek, on the other hand, brings a little experience and insight to the proceedings and sans stat sheets he condescendingly corrects Gina throughout the show. I get the feeling that by the end of it he's ready to rip that stack of papers right out of her hands and smack her across the face with them, or better yet, give her a paper cut deep enough to slit her stupid throat. Or at least that's what I want to do. Every time I hear him utter "actually Gina..." or "well, if you were watching the game..." I smile and laugh a knowing little laugh to myself. I should really just make a drinking game out of it.

All of this just brings me to my larger question - why is it so hard to find competent female sportscasters or at least find female sportscasters that don't make me want to punch them in the face every time they come onscreen? Now we here at GGS are all for having female sports commentators - we are women after all - just not the dolts they've got on the sidelines now. Off the top of my head, the only women commentators who don't make me denounce feminism and declare that women should not be allowed to talk about sports are the ladies of tennis - Mary Carillo, Mary Joe Fernandez, et al and basketball's Cheryl Miller (or "Regina" as she is known to Lauren.)

These women are all, not surprisingly, former athletes. I guess that's what it takes to speak intelligently about sports as a woman on TV. You may have other additions to this list, but keep in mind - I don't care. You may want to defend Gina Miller's sports credentials (According to her bio, she interned with the Rockets and won a championship ring with them back in the 90s. Whatever that means. I'm a blogger, not a journalist. I don't do research. I have no idea.), but keep in mind - I don't care. You may ask what gives me the right to talk about sports as a woman? Well, let me point you to my illustrious basketball career. Yeah, that's right, they called me Mandy Jordan, now let's move on.

There are only 2 qualities that I demand from a female sports announcer, that she a.) be able to speak competently about the sport that she is covering, and if this is not possible, that she at least b.) is hot. I don't even ask that she be both. I happen to be, but I don't hold everyone to the same high standards I hold myself accountable to. It just wouldn't be fair.

In regards to requirement a.), I just mean that she should be able to ask the appropriate questions of players, have a clear knowledge of the game and the players, and y'know maybe bring a little something to the discussion and not look completely out of place like most lady sportscasters do. In regards to requirement b.) I mean hot, not "newscaster hot." Because regardless of what a drunken Joe Namath may lead you to believe, Suzy Kolber is not hot and has never before or again inspired such a reaction from a man drunk or sober. And Michele Tafoya should never be viewed on HDTV. The people who seem to think these ladies are attractive are the same people who try and convince you that Katie Couric is cute and perky. She is neither of these things. She is a dead, lifeless whore and the reason men watch her on the Today Show is so their morning wood can subside and they can go to work respectably - not because she is attractive or perky. Someone needs to put a red-blooded American male in charge of hiring these broads because it seems like Prince Charles or George Bush Sr. has been hand selecting these old maids.

So without further adieu, here is a short list of the ladies I'd like to see in front of the sports lens. Your comments and suggestions are by all means welcome:

1. Joumana Kidd

Sexy and crazy. A terrible combination for relationships, as Jason Kidd will tell you, but a perfect combination for TV. She may not be allowed at the Nets home games, but she can certainly embarrass and emasculate Jason Kidd at away games or just manage to interject tidbits about him while doing commentary on any game. I can just picture her courtside at a Miami Heat game praising Dwyane Wade and saying how she wished Jason had that kind of talent and how she wished she'd married a winner like D-Wade and not a half-breed loser like Jason. Then she'd fill in any silences with stories of how Jason kicked her until there was blood in her urine or how small his penis is. Not only would this make for awesome commentary, it'd also make for a very quick divorce settlement. Seriously Joumana, jump on it. And I want a 10% cut on your TV deal and the divorce payout since it was my idea.


2. Gisele Bundchen


I never really know what this bitch is saying, but does it really matter to anyone when you look like this? She's Tom Brady's girlfriend, so maybe she could share some embarrassing personal stories about him to at least humanize the guy and make him seem a little less perfect and a little less hatable. Or if that fails, she could always get a pointer or two about emasculation from Joumana. Or better yet, a torrid Tom Brady-Gisele-Bridget Moynahan love triangle could unfold right before our eyes on Monday Night Football. Kind of like Desperate Housewives, but on Monday and less gay.



3. Lisa Leslie




OK Lisa, are you ever gonna get back on the court? If you're not gonna play, I at least want you commentating. Seriously, earn your keep in my eyes. It's not like you have anything better to do like raise a child. (And yes, I know she's done it before, but I want her back.)






4. Scarlett Johansson

Other than the huge rack, I've never really understood the appeal of ScarJo,
but men, particularly sports bloggers, seem to think she's pretty hot shit. But why a sportscaster you ask? Whatever it take to keep this manly-voiced, one-note actress off the big screen. How many times can you play the same character you played in Lost in Translation? I've never seen anyone so devoid of talent make such a career out of big tits and a pouty mouth Well, no one who is opposed to taking her clothes off for money that is. Hey, remember when Woody Allen used to have talented muses and make good movies? Yeah, that was awesome.



5. Elisha Cuthbert



She's hot, she dates Sean Avery, and she's even got her own hockey blog over on NHL.com. And if there's one thing I've learned from this website, it's that blogging about something totally makes you an authority on it. However, due to her propensity towards wearing see-through shirts, she might not be hirable at ESPN.




And yes, I totally left Eva Longoria off this list on purpose. I see enough of her mug already. And the last thing I want to hear about for 2 hours is her cooing over Tony Parker or talking about their wedding invitations.

Labels: rants