OH NO YOU DON'T BEN! NO ONE TOUCHES MY MANDY! ARRRRGHHHH! FEEL THE RATH OF THE KAMAN! SHE WILL BE MINE!!! ARRRGHHH!!!! - Chris Kaman
Anyways, happy birthday to this blogs better half! I have this cake waiting for you when you come home...giggity...
Leave the birthday girl some love in the comments!
So remember back in February when I told you guys that the Kidd-Harris trade was the worst idea in the history of ever? When I said "the Mavs will be lucky if Jason Kidd even gets them into the playoffs"? (7th seed! down from 4th pre-Kidd) And when some of you idiots told me that I was wrong and that it was an awesome trade?
Well fuuuuuccckkkkkkkk you guys. Don't ever doubt me again. I'm right about everything. Booyah.
My family loves horse racing, any excuse to gamble away our life savings, and the Derby is no exception. So for you, fair reader, today Mandy and I are providing the Girls Gone Sports Mint Julep recipe, sure to get you wasted while you watch the ponies. And because we are such lovely and providing bloggers we also have a link for you to bet on the "Fastest Two Minutes in Sports" (funny, I thought that was Ashley Cole's nickname for how fast he was in the sack) for some good ole fashion betting away your daughter's college fund on the Derby.
GGS Mint Julep
2 cups sugar
2 cups water
Sprigs of fresh mint
Bottle of Barbaro Maker's Mark Bourbon (or any cheap bottle you can find)
So today's news comes to you in the form of one giant post! Hooray!
#1 - STARS WIN!
Made it out of the first round!
#2 - Eli Manning tied the knot!
Kudos on the dress, Mrs. Manning.
#3 - Tony Romo had a birthday!
While I was out celebrating a friends 25th bday at a place that serves $1 Coors Original, Romo was getting his face licked by girlfriend Jessica Simpson.
#4 - Everyone's favorite Cowboy is getting his own reality show.
On E!. Shooting in Miami? Wow. Color me shocked.
BREAKING NEWS: Anyone can have a reality show if they ask nice enough.
That'll do it for me today. I have three tests in a row this week, and finals hasn't even started yet. Hooray! If anyone needs me I'll either have my nose in a book or I will be nose diving into a bottle of Tequila.
Thanks to D Mag for the Romo pics and David Rubini for the TO tip!!!
[Stars pic - G.J. McCarthy / DMN Photo Staff]
AKA Christmas Ape.
Most of us know his story by now. (I too would expose my true identity but I hate to risk my lucrative career at Uncle Wayne's Chicken Shack and my weekend gig at Flashdancer) But that isn't why he got picked. #1 He's a Steeler's fan so that was enough for Mandy, #2 he looks really freakin' cute in that picture. And that is enough for me.
He has a nice jaw, I wonder if he knows how to use it...
We'd be happy to offer him a job here, of course the pay is low (Read: Non-existent), you won't actually have anything to do, but there are benefits. Sexy benefits.
Mandy and I require oiled up massages every hour on the hour, and we can't write this sexy stuff without inspiration. Also, we're too lazy to do our weekly breast cancer checks, that would fall to you as well. I need someone to make sure the keg is constantly full and Mandy needs someone to make sure the box of wine always has a full bladder.
It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. And we're looking at you Mr. Tunison.
According to police, witnesses said the argument was about the Dallas Cowboys and another team.
Police found a large quantity of alcohol at the party, she said.
“When you mix alcohol with all that it doesn’t take much.”
I owe you a tale. A tale of drunken hilarity. On the e-bus. In Austin, TX. (I promise no more fragments.)
Well a normal night in Austin (drinking on 6th street, almost getting tattoos, eating a Best Wurst) led myself and a group of some rowdy rabelrousers to the E-bus. We were trying to make our way to West Campus and ended up taking a long, loud, crazy bus trip.
We made our way to the back of the bus where a group of some drunken boys were already holding camp. I don't remember how it happened (very, very drunk) and I tried to decipher my notes (hastily written as I decided (drunkenly) that this would be good post material) but they are no help at all.
Apparently there was a guy in a knock-off lacoste polo shirt that had a HUGE Boston tattoo on his leg. His "friend" (brown shirt guy) proceeded to call him "Fag", and other names. This perked the ears of many in my group who would just assume join in on the shenanigans. Attacking him with a barrage of insults led to an extremely loud chant of "FUCK TOM BRADY" over and over and over again. One of my girlfriend's hand was sticking out in the aisle and she thought she brushed by his crotch as the bus hit a bump. Upon realizing she didn't, she let everyone know that she hit nothing because this guy "Had no balls!" After screaming this brown shirt guy let us know that his friend was in fact Jewish (I was under the impression that people of that faith weren't supposed to get tattoos, hmph) and "no one would want to fuck those Jewish balls." In his defense, sort of, he defended he love of all things Boston with great passion. Fucker had it coming. And I hope no one tries to "fuck his balls", no matter what his balls believe, because I have a feeling that would be an awkward sexual position.
After they had their share of attacking him (he finally moved to the front of the bus) it was made obvious that everyone at the back were Cowboy's fans. This started more chants of "FUCK TOM BRADY."
After the bus ride was over, we made our long trek down the street to my friends apartment. She happens to live quite close to quite a few frat houses so our chants of "FUCK TOM BRADY" were always echoed. One of our group said that he could sum up the weekend with just those three words.
French tennis player. French accent. Cheese and wine. Christian Louboutin shoes....oh, I'm sorry...what? I'm doing the PCoftheW? Whoops. Right then, if his accent isn't enough to make us cum, the good looks will. And don't French men inherently know how to use their racket and balls? J'aime Arnaud. Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
And here he is with the Olympic torch in France. Where the path was re-routed three times. And I know there is a ton of controversy surrounding this year's Olympics, but I have to be honest: I'm really freakin' ready for them. And if the Olympic committee needs assistance moving the games somewhere, might I suggest beautiful Arlington, Texas. No, we may not be able to accommodate all the sports, but I can at least offer up lodging to any water polo players that might need it. Yowza.
[Picture and info]
Labels: panty creamer
The Mavs whipped out their dicks, shoved them in Baron Davis' ass, then pulled them out and smeared them all over his face. Oh and we had little blue and white Mavs clapper thingys. Revenge in the form of clappers is oh so sweet.
I really have to hand it to them, the entire game experience was awesome. The Mavs "Bohemian Rhapsody" video had most of the people around us laughing so hard we almost spilt our $7 beers. That video alone sent Dirk right back up to the #1 spot in my heart (Matt Damon slips down to #2 and Mos Def takes over the #3 spot). And the half time show! None of that queer two guys one chair Cirque rip off shit. The Beale Street Flippers. That shit was crazy. No one should be able to do back handsprings like that.
(If anyone has video of the Dirk vid it would be awesome of you to send it to me! That or the Paul Mcartney "JET" video.)
Now back to the actual game: I just want to address the issue of certain local journalist's accusations that Josh Howard is "just a guy". The accusations are stemmed mainly from the fact that while Dirk has been gone their points aren't as high as these people would like them.
I would like to call to the stand last night's game, your honor. In a game where Dirk played (albeit coming of an injury so maybe he didn't have his rock meter on green just yet) J-HO scored 28 points. And even more than that, JET scored 31! Jason Kidd had 17 assists.
And you know what, after last night I was ok with the Kidd trade. If we keep playing like we did last night I'd be REALLY ok with it.
And after all that, on the way home I got to hear Choppy (I think), on the local ESPN radio, say, "The Mavs got their hands on a lot of balls."
But the very best part: FREE TACOS! MAVS WIN MEANS FREE BUENO TACO!
Apparently stuff has been going on in the world of sports. But none of that really matters when you're dancing on tables and taking shots of tequila.
Making bad decisions > Making blog posts
I'll have a post about my road trip to Austin coming up later today. It involves the E Bus, a bunch of drunk friends, and a guy with an unfortunate Boston tattoo. Hilarity ensues. Trust.