But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back,
To earth, who can tell?
My helicopter found it's way to Kaman's island. It wasn't hard to find. It kind of reminded me of something I'd seen in the movies...
I made my way onto the shore of the island and a chill went down my spine. I felt like someone...or something was watching me. Luckily I had brought along my favorite machete and was able to cut through the dense jungle. I hoped all of the valuable skills I learned as a Girl Scout would come back to me.
But they didn't.
And I was fucked.
So I resorted to the only search and rescue method I knew: The Buddy System. Whenever the buddy system is activated Mandy and I are together. So I immediately started shouting "BUDDY! BUDDY! BUDDY! O MANDY WHERE ART THOU???"
My plan failed. Using the buddy system in the jungle does not work. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that is does. They are wrong.
I was getting frustrated and tired and I was about to loose my mind when I heard the opening riff to Van Halen's "Panama." SHE MUST BE CLOSE! Somewhere within earshot was my sweet, sweet Mandy and she was rocking.
I followed the sound of David Lee Roth's voice and ended up at the bottom of a very, very, very long staircase that lead to a house atop a hill. (How I didn't notice that house from the beach I don't know. Damn my female eye always noticing detail and not the big picture.)
I made my way up the stairs in speedy time and was surprised to find the door unlocked. The inside of the house was even creepier than the island. I could hear strange animal noises coming from various places in the house. And I was not prepared for what awaited me...
At last! Face to face with Kaman! He sat at his table with a fierce look in his eye and his blond locks falling around his face. I wielded my machete and demanded to see Mandy.
He said nothing.
I screamed at him to give Mandy back to me!
He replied with that constant glassy stare of his.
A door flew open! It was she! My BFF! Standing the door way! I ran to her and we embraced. We held each other for what seemed like forever...until Kaman's icy stare was broken with tears.
He stood up and grasped both of us in a giant bear hug. As he sobbed he whispered "I can't keep the two of you apart, it just isn't meant for us to be together..."
I scooped Mandy up in my arms and carried her out of the island Officer and a Gentlemen style. I had my blog partner back and nothing would take her away from me again...
She is back with us grateful readers! And she will tell her tale soon...look forward to it! Until then, enjoy some Europe!
Kaman is…"like a far-away island, farther than Hawaii, way, way out there."
And because I take things really literally I set out to find this far away island that Kaman is…or has…er…yes, yes that’s it! Kaman has an island! And that is where he would take Mandy! And it happens to be way out there. Yes, yes, way out there. Farther than Hawaii! Great Scott I was on to something!
I made my way to California and was prepared to fly a helicopter to his island to rescue my friend.
While in Cali I did some more sleuthing. Mandy’s trail of clues grew larger. I found her 34D bra lying on the side of the road. Somewhere out there she was running around, bouncing through the ocean with no support to lift and separate.
I also found a tube of her favorite lip gloss: C.O. Bigelow's Mentha Lip Shine. She would never leave anywhere without that. Foul play? It must be.
I stopped by a local bar and armed myself with many empty beer bottles. If it was going to be a hostile situation to retrieve her I was to be prepared. Some might say I have ninja like moves when it comes to breaking beer bottles and using them as weapons. The people who say that would be correct. Those same people might even say I’m too good at bar fighting with broken bottles of Miller High Life. Once again, hitting the nail on the head. Those same people might actually only be Mandy and I. Even more reason why I need to get her back.
The helicopter was ready and so was I. I set out on what was sure to be a glorious rescue or my last adventure. In which case if it had been you would have gotten an even more ridiculous post from the afterlife. Sorry I lived.
The thrilling conclusion is so close...so very close...
[Quote found here.]
This sucks a big, fat, hairy nut. I was not prepared for this.
I was about to give up on finding her in that god forsaken land when I ran into this guy:
When last I left you I had battled evil forces in Branson. But I was not prepared for even darker forces that waited for me...in Graceland. *dun dun dun*
June 20th, 2007 8:00 am
I spent the night in my car. I haven't had a beer in two days. I'm starting to feel it.
When I arrived at Graceland I wasn't sure where to start...clearly if someone as boring and lackluster as Kaman was in charge of the outing then they had to have gone on a tour. But which one? Elvis after dark? The Auto museum? I was so confused. And then I remembered something I had heard on the travel channel: Graceland has a wedding chapel in the woods! Noooo! All of my greatest fears rushed past me at once...had she married Kaman in the Graceland chapel???
A check of the guest book calmed me down. No, no they had not. With Mandy no where in sight and no clues to be found, I marked Graceland in the loss column and went on my way.
Unsure of where to go next I decided to take my time leaving Graceland. There was a lot to be seen after all and I’m sure Mandy was in no real danger (especially no real sexy danger) I might as well take my time and see the sights. I mean, how often do I hang out at Elvis’ house? Not often enough friend! As I was strolling past the hall of jumpsuits I remembered I hadn’t checked my email in over 24 hours and it hit me! I have access to all of Mandy's finances online!
One day at my house she left her facebook open on my computer. From there I was not only able to send hilarious messages to people on her friends list, I was also able to hack into her bank account. Maybe I can find where she's been by looking at her bank statement just like they do on the TV crime dramas...
I found a computer and it worked! Plane tickets had been purchased (you'd think he would've bought the tickets but that's where you would be wrong, moron) and they were headed to...
I had arrived in Branson. It was a strange land. It was like Las Vegas for old people. And it smelled funny. If I know Mandy, and I think I do, she probably thought this place was hell on earth. If he had brought her here she wouldn't have stayed long. I was about to run away screaming when walking near a tree I saw something strange...
All the proof I needed! She had been here...and professed her undying love for Kaman by defacing a tree! After snapping the above photo I received a text from Mandy: "Greetings from Graceland! Wish you were here!"
Graceland?!?!?!? What in the thunder had gotten into her? Kaman must have her under some kind of spell...
On to Graceland!
What does surprise me is where I found her. It's been a long 2 days, but I made the journey to find and rescue my BFF and partner in crime. Would you like to hear the tale? Gather round children, but I warn you now: Unlike us, it won't be pretty.
Tuesday June 19th, 2007 9:30am - Discover Mandy has been gone for a few weeks
First I needed to think of possible places Mandy could be:
- Orange Julius
- Ben Roethlisberger's house
- The circus
- North Carolina stalking Bill Cowher
- Las Vegas
- FAO Schwarz
- White Castle
- San Antonio
I thought I had made an excellent list of places to look for her. Using my Dog the Bounty Hunter like skills I set out to Ridgmar Mall to the Orange Julius to start the search. Halfway to the mall it hit me that I should probably start looking for her at her house and that the list I made was ridiculous. And by ridiculous I mean awesome.June 17th, 2007 10:30 am - The search is in action
Arrive at Mandy's house...she is no where to be found. Her cat, TimTim, leads me to my first clue: A lock of blond hair. Blond? Mandy is a redhead...could she have colored her hair back to her natural color in order to escape north Texas without being recognized? Surely not. But that's when I noticed something strange in her bedroom. A CLIPPER'S JERSEY. And who's jersey could it be? None other than freak show himself, KAMAN.I fell to my knees, fists pumping in the air! KAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAN!!!
Clearly she had been kidnapped. Or had she? Had she been planing to run away with Kaman for months now? Had our friendship and this blog just been a sick facade to get her closer to the blond god? I hope it isn't true. The stomach churns and the mind reels just thinking about her sick obsession with Kaman.June 17, 2007 11:45 am - Heading for first destination
After the shock wore off I started to form a plan. If I were Chris Kaman...where would I take my newest love conquest? I thought back to a night where Mandy was going on and on about Kaman (she really wouldn't shut up about him, how could I have not seen this coming? I am a fool.) and remembered he was raised on a chicken farm. Obviously he must have taken her to this farm! I knew what I had to do.
June 17, 2007 3:00 pm - Arrive at chicken farm
I found the Kaman family chicken farm really fast. I am a super sleuth. I should probably have a show on the Discovery Channel. Chicken farm is deserted...but my spirits stay high. I surveyed the area and in the corner of my eye notice something that looks strangely out of place: A terrible towel! Mandy had been here! I put the terrible towel to my cheek and it was like I was holding her...uh...again. I got in my car and needed to clear my head and rest a bit.
(Stay tuned for more of "Missing Mandy"...)
The Hot Loser for Monday June 18th, 2007:
So your day went from bad to worse yesterday...I’m sure we can make you feel better.
We all choke every now and then. Well, when I choke it’s more of a gag. And it really doesn’t bother me. It actually ends up making it easier. I have a pretty big mouth so it rarely happens, I doubt I’ll have that problem with you. But if you'll just unzi...
Wait...what were we talking about?
Oh. Never mind.
Some of you are new around these parts and may not have read some of our stuff from a few months ago. So, to tide you over until we can have some sort of order around here, enjoy this "greatest hits" list so far:
The NFL MVP33N (Quite possibly the best thing on this site besides our tits)
The face of Clearly Canadian (and one that only a mother could love)
Mandy's hatred for the female sports writer (brilliant)
What to do in case we die (the first no sports, no shirt, no problem)
The love letter that launched 1,000 restraining orders (This is how we lost our innocence)
The Cock Draft (self-explanatory, a post that required a trip to the grocery store)
The re-intro (or how we started a post with a Jay-Z rip off)
That about does it.
Well every one's favorite Girls Gone Sports site designer, Tiffany (who lives in San Antonio), snapped this pictures of another Spurs hater near her office:
Tiffany is a trooper. I don't think there is anything harder than being a Mavs fan living in San Antonio. A diamond in an ice storm? Not as hard as being a Mavs fan in Spurs-town. Any man when he walks past one of the Girls Gone Sports? Well, that's pretty hard. But not as hard as being a Mavs fan in San An.
Even if the entire post was stupid shit I didn't agree with (which is way off because I think they hit the nail on the head) I would still think it was perfection just because of this:
San Antonio Spurs (1999 - Present) = Nickleback
I HATE the Spurs. And I HATE Nickleback. So for me it totally works.
Music and sports go hand in hand for us. From Mandy getting furious if at the end of a victory the arena doesn't play "Rock and Roll pt. 2", to the jokes we made during last year's NBA playoffs (when we gave a damn) about Coldplay's "The Scientist" being played at the end of a loss.
So kudos, R and R. That post just helped me get through the last hour at work.