Yes, it's been less than a month since the end of the NFL season and already you're aching for more. Well, that's where Lauren and I come in. We've also been aching, albeit for a completely different and soon to be disclosed reason. Never ones to rest on our laurels, we've feverishly spent the offseason trying to come up with some inside NFL scoop for you guys. We tracked down some of the best in the NFL and observed them in their natural habitats---no, not on the field--but in the bars, casinos, seedy hotels, and houses of crack and ill repute across America. And then we spent our offseason in way only Rex Grossman could dream of. We spent it fucking. Specifically NFL players. So today we bring to you some Fantasy Football of a different ilk - XXX Fantasy Football and the authoritative compendium of NFL peen. (Hey, it's not slutty if it's in the name of research and public interest!) Our experiences were as follows:
*Chad Johnson - Interesting fact: Chad also bleaches and styles his pubes.
*Eli Manning - We hooked up with Eli at - where else - a karaoke bar. He offered to pay us at first, which is, I suppose, the only way he knows. We declined (cuz we're ladies), but we kinda wished we'd taken the money by the end of the night. Not a lot of action to be had here, just a lot of tears and a request that I spoon him. Eli was of course, the little spoon.
*Jeremy Shockey - Has been inside Tara Reid. Penis looks like this.
*Ben Roethlisberger - They call him Big Ben for a reason. Seriously. He drinks like a champion, he fucks like a champion.
*Willie Parker - They don't call him Fast Willie Parker for nothing.
*Tom Brady - Micro penis. Gisele clearly hasn't seen it yet. Trust me, it ain't worth all the baby mama drama Honey. I can just imagine Tom trying to think up excuses to avoid sex with Gisele cuz he knows his blissful days with her are numbered. Oh the irony of ironies. Poor Tom. At least he'll always have the memories. And the nude pics. And his hand. And that damn scarf.
*Marvin Harrison - Decidedly mediocre. Sorry to report, but there is just nothing interesting about this man. Except maybe the fact that he kept playing that Snickers commercial on loop while we were doing it. Mmmm....mmmm.....mmmmm.
*Kyle Orton - Whiskey dick. And he threw up on us.
*Troy Polamalu - We tried to get a glimpse of the Polamalu peen, but Troy was not a go-er. He did let us brush his hair, but that was as far as we got. He lectured us about righteousness and the evils of the path that we had chosen, then he sent us on our way and offered to pray for our souls. What a fucking loser.
*Peyton Manning - Remember that scene in Brokeback Mountain where Heath Ledger is having sex with his wife and she's trying to do it in the missionary position and he keeps flipping her over so he can hit it from the back? Yeah, it was a lot like that. That and he kept calling us Kenny. Weird. Almost made us wish we were back with Eli. Almost.
*Jake Plummer - Had to be replaced by Jay Cutler mid-fuck.
*Tony Romo - Lauren hit this one solo because no self-respecting Steeler fan would ever be caught fucking a Cowboy (although granted the issue of my self respect is up in the air after this post). Tony brought her almost to climax and then bam! he went limp and it all faded away. He cried for awhile, then blamed her slippery vagina and told her that he didn't want this one night to tarnish their entire relationship and that he looked forward to performing better on their next encounter. He was of average size, but was way overrated on SportsCenter.
*Brian Urlacher - Has been inside Paris Hilton. Penis looks like this.
*Terrell Owens - Many have long suspected that T.O. actually has a vagina. Confirmed. (And he could use a tip or two from Jim Thome about how to clean that thing.)
*Rex Grossman - Yeah, Rexy was hung huge, but even bigger - his balls. Which might explain his on-field decisions. Not a whole lot of finesse in the bedroom either. We asked him to start off nice and slow, but typical Rexy, his reply was "Fuck it! I'm going deep!" That night definitely ended in a trip to the hotel ice machine if you know what I'm saying. And I certainly hope you don't.
*Ladanian Tomlinson - Total choad.
*Daunte Culpepper - Daunte Culpepper did not have sex with us. Especially not on a boat. Daunte Culpepper did not engage in lewd and lascivious conduct with us. Especially not on a boat. Daunte Culpepper didn't even look at us. Daunte Culpepper was playing dice the entire time. A boat? Daunte Culpepper doesn't even know what a boat is. Daunte Culpepper's never even been near a body of water. Daunte Culpepper is black. He doesn't know how to swim. That would be ridiculous. Daunte Culpepper thinks these accusations are racially biased. Daunte Culpepper would like to stop speaking in the third person and refer all further questions to his lawyer.
*Fred Smoot, on the other hand.....well that's where we turned out the lights and turned on the shame.
*Jeff Garcia - Packing large. But almost too good. Like he was out to prove something. Hmmm....
*Carson Palmer - Haha, yeah right. Pass...
*Kurt Warner - We had a very confusing 3-way with Kurt and some dude named "Brenda."
*Matt Leinart - Has been inside Paris Hilton. Penis looks like this. However, Lauren, ever theslut intrepid reporter that she is, still quite literally took one for the team. She was subsequently impregnated. Matt immediately disappeared and is acting like he has no idea who the father is, so Lauren's planning on telling Brady that he's got another baby on board. Gisele's probably starting to feel left out.
*Adam Vinatieri - Did a little striptease for us, which either gives credence to this rumor, or means that he's trying to get an in with Gisele. She's just a few more bastard children and a penis sighting away from leaving Brady. Way to plan ahead Vinatieri.
*Brett Favre - Had to take Cialis to get it up. (I think we've found his new ad campaign. Forget Prilosec and Sensodyne. Brett Favre supports Cialis and erections not lasting longer than 4 hours!) Brett may have some trouble getting it up, but once he's ready to go it's hard to make him stop. No matter how much you want him to and no matter how much he declines in skill. Still a decent lay, but after the 17th time we had to say enough already.
*The Cincinnati Bengals - So we got a little ambitious and decided to take on an entire team. Not a good choice. We immediately regretted that decision. You think all those arrests were bad? You should have seen the crimes perpetrated against our vaginas.
*Tim Hasselbeck - F-REAK. Like Rick James Superfreak kinda freak. Turns out his conservative shrew of a wife Elisabeth only believes in sex for procreation and prefers to get her kicks elsewhere, which leaves Tim with some...um....built up sexual tension to say the least. Lauren and I compared notes and I'll just give you this brief synopsis of what was involved (or at least what we can tell you about): cleveland steamer, angry dragon, roman war helmet, snowball, rusty trombone, hot carl, cold carl, houdini, the bismark, the pirate, feltching, strawberry milkshakes, the verizon, the bucking bronco, the snow plow, ass to mouth, golden showers, tea bagging, dog in a bathtub, new york taco, blumpkin, woody woodpecker, rear admiral, sandpiper, the walrus, abe lincoln, tombstone 69, cunt trumpet, journey into darkness, and the AJ Daulerio. And no, we're not down with the dirty sanchez, cuz like I said earlier, we're classy dames.
Well, that's all the fucking we were able to get in this month, but Lauren and I hope to bring you more sexy stories about professional athletes in the future (and Lauren will be putting her Leinart-spawn and any future illegitimate pro athlete kids up for sale on Ebay if anyone's interested). However, I think we're going to stick to reporting from behind a computer until at least the NBA offseason. Right now we're going to ice down our vaginas and see if it isn't too late to get that HPV vaccine. You can all thank us later.
*Chad Johnson - Interesting fact: Chad also bleaches and styles his pubes.
*Eli Manning - We hooked up with Eli at - where else - a karaoke bar. He offered to pay us at first, which is, I suppose, the only way he knows. We declined (cuz we're ladies), but we kinda wished we'd taken the money by the end of the night. Not a lot of action to be had here, just a lot of tears and a request that I spoon him. Eli was of course, the little spoon.
*Jeremy Shockey - Has been inside Tara Reid. Penis looks like this.
*Ben Roethlisberger - They call him Big Ben for a reason. Seriously. He drinks like a champion, he fucks like a champion.
*Willie Parker - They don't call him Fast Willie Parker for nothing.
*Tom Brady - Micro penis. Gisele clearly hasn't seen it yet. Trust me, it ain't worth all the baby mama drama Honey. I can just imagine Tom trying to think up excuses to avoid sex with Gisele cuz he knows his blissful days with her are numbered. Oh the irony of ironies. Poor Tom. At least he'll always have the memories. And the nude pics. And his hand. And that damn scarf.
*Marvin Harrison - Decidedly mediocre. Sorry to report, but there is just nothing interesting about this man. Except maybe the fact that he kept playing that Snickers commercial on loop while we were doing it. Mmmm....mmmm.....mmmmm.
*Kyle Orton - Whiskey dick. And he threw up on us.
*Troy Polamalu - We tried to get a glimpse of the Polamalu peen, but Troy was not a go-er. He did let us brush his hair, but that was as far as we got. He lectured us about righteousness and the evils of the path that we had chosen, then he sent us on our way and offered to pray for our souls. What a fucking loser.
*Peyton Manning - Remember that scene in Brokeback Mountain where Heath Ledger is having sex with his wife and she's trying to do it in the missionary position and he keeps flipping her over so he can hit it from the back? Yeah, it was a lot like that. That and he kept calling us Kenny. Weird. Almost made us wish we were back with Eli. Almost.
*Jake Plummer - Had to be replaced by Jay Cutler mid-fuck.
*Tony Romo - Lauren hit this one solo because no self-respecting Steeler fan would ever be caught fucking a Cowboy (although granted the issue of my self respect is up in the air after this post). Tony brought her almost to climax and then bam! he went limp and it all faded away. He cried for awhile, then blamed her slippery vagina and told her that he didn't want this one night to tarnish their entire relationship and that he looked forward to performing better on their next encounter. He was of average size, but was way overrated on SportsCenter.
*Brian Urlacher - Has been inside Paris Hilton. Penis looks like this.
*Terrell Owens - Many have long suspected that T.O. actually has a vagina. Confirmed. (And he could use a tip or two from Jim Thome about how to clean that thing.)
*Rex Grossman - Yeah, Rexy was hung huge, but even bigger - his balls. Which might explain his on-field decisions. Not a whole lot of finesse in the bedroom either. We asked him to start off nice and slow, but typical Rexy, his reply was "Fuck it! I'm going deep!" That night definitely ended in a trip to the hotel ice machine if you know what I'm saying. And I certainly hope you don't.
*Ladanian Tomlinson - Total choad.
*Daunte Culpepper - Daunte Culpepper did not have sex with us. Especially not on a boat. Daunte Culpepper did not engage in lewd and lascivious conduct with us. Especially not on a boat. Daunte Culpepper didn't even look at us. Daunte Culpepper was playing dice the entire time. A boat? Daunte Culpepper doesn't even know what a boat is. Daunte Culpepper's never even been near a body of water. Daunte Culpepper is black. He doesn't know how to swim. That would be ridiculous. Daunte Culpepper thinks these accusations are racially biased. Daunte Culpepper would like to stop speaking in the third person and refer all further questions to his lawyer.
*Fred Smoot, on the other hand.....well that's where we turned out the lights and turned on the shame.
*Jeff Garcia - Packing large. But almost too good. Like he was out to prove something. Hmmm....
*Carson Palmer - Haha, yeah right. Pass...
*Kurt Warner - We had a very confusing 3-way with Kurt and some dude named "Brenda."
*Matt Leinart - Has been inside Paris Hilton. Penis looks like this. However, Lauren, ever the
*Adam Vinatieri - Did a little striptease for us, which either gives credence to this rumor, or means that he's trying to get an in with Gisele. She's just a few more bastard children and a penis sighting away from leaving Brady. Way to plan ahead Vinatieri.
*Brett Favre - Had to take Cialis to get it up. (I think we've found his new ad campaign. Forget Prilosec and Sensodyne. Brett Favre supports Cialis and erections not lasting longer than 4 hours!) Brett may have some trouble getting it up, but once he's ready to go it's hard to make him stop. No matter how much you want him to and no matter how much he declines in skill. Still a decent lay, but after the 17th time we had to say enough already.
*The Cincinnati Bengals - So we got a little ambitious and decided to take on an entire team. Not a good choice. We immediately regretted that decision. You think all those arrests were bad? You should have seen the crimes perpetrated against our vaginas.
*Tim Hasselbeck - F-REAK. Like Rick James Superfreak kinda freak. Turns out his conservative shrew of a wife Elisabeth only believes in sex for procreation and prefers to get her kicks elsewhere, which leaves Tim with some...um....built up sexual tension to say the least. Lauren and I compared notes and I'll just give you this brief synopsis of what was involved (or at least what we can tell you about): cleveland steamer, angry dragon, roman war helmet, snowball, rusty trombone, hot carl, cold carl, houdini, the bismark, the pirate, feltching, strawberry milkshakes, the verizon, the bucking bronco, the snow plow, ass to mouth, golden showers, tea bagging, dog in a bathtub, new york taco, blumpkin, woody woodpecker, rear admiral, sandpiper, the walrus, abe lincoln, tombstone 69, cunt trumpet, journey into darkness, and the AJ Daulerio. And no, we're not down with the dirty sanchez, cuz like I said earlier, we're classy dames.
Well, that's all the fucking we were able to get in this month, but Lauren and I hope to bring you more sexy stories about professional athletes in the future (and Lauren will be putting her Leinart-spawn and any future illegitimate pro athlete kids up for sale on Ebay if anyone's interested). However, I think we're going to stick to reporting from behind a computer until at least the NBA offseason. Right now we're going to ice down our vaginas and see if it isn't too late to get that HPV vaccine. You can all thank us later.
You probably saw Dwyane Wade dislocate his shoulder the other nite and cry like a little faggot. What you might have missed - something far more horrific. L.A. Clipper Shaun Livingston dislocating his knee.
And reacting far more masculinely. It's a lot like that scene from the Godfather where Johnny Fontane is crying over how Woltz won't give him the picture and then Marlon Brando just reaches over and shakes him and slaps him across the face and says "You can act like a man!" and then makes fun of him for crying like a woman. Yeah, in the NBA version D-Wade is Johnny Fontane and Shaun Livingston is Brando. Except Shaun Livingston purposely dislocates his knee and doesn't cry just to drive home the point that D-Wade is a puss.
Watch it. If you dare. I turned away and recoiled in horror when I saw it, so I have no idea how Shaun Livingston lived it and managed to keep it together. And just remember that if Shaun Livingston were Barbaro his ass would totally be glue right now.
Via The Big Lead
*UPDATE: Turns out it was even worse than originally thought. And understandably he'll be outforever 8-12 months.
*UPDATE #2: Now with audio! So placid for a man who just suffered the worst sports injury since Joe Theismann.
And reacting far more masculinely. It's a lot like that scene from the Godfather where Johnny Fontane is crying over how Woltz won't give him the picture and then Marlon Brando just reaches over and shakes him and slaps him across the face and says "You can act like a man!" and then makes fun of him for crying like a woman. Yeah, in the NBA version D-Wade is Johnny Fontane and Shaun Livingston is Brando. Except Shaun Livingston purposely dislocates his knee and doesn't cry just to drive home the point that D-Wade is a puss.
Watch it. If you dare. I turned away and recoiled in horror when I saw it, so I have no idea how Shaun Livingston lived it and managed to keep it together. And just remember that if Shaun Livingston were Barbaro his ass would totally be glue right now.
Via The Big Lead
*UPDATE: Turns out it was even worse than originally thought. And understandably he'll be out
*UPDATE #2: Now with audio! So placid for a man who just suffered the worst sports injury since Joe Theismann.
Labels: dwyane wade, nba, shaun livingston
PLAYING FOR THE DENVER BRONCOS AKIN TO PLAYING THE DRUMS FOR SPINAL TAP
0 Comments Published by mandy on 2/26/2007 at 18:32.
So Damien Nash makes the second Denver Bronco to die in some sort of strange incident in less than two months.In Spinal Tap I believe Michael McKean tells you that something like 37 different people have been in the band throughout the years. If you subtract the surviving current and former members, that leaves you with like 32 deceased drummers. A dangerous profession indeed.
Now, I may have failed College Algebra (fact), but my math skills tell me that with the way the Broncos are dropping they are definitely looking to outpace the death rate of Spinal Tap's drummers. I mean Spinal Tap was together for awhile, right? Not to make light of these deaths (because none of the Denver Broncos have spontaneously combusted on the field....yet), I'm just saying that somebody's insurance premiums are about to skyrocket. And that if next month Champ Bailey meets his demise in a bizarre gardening accident, it's not like I didn't warn you.
Labels: damien nash, denver broncos, r.i.p., spinal tap
If I could type the noise that Homer Simpson makes when he thinks of donuts I would.
What's up Beck's p33n? I salute you right back, sir.
Thank you, Popsugar. No really, THANK YOU.
It's sad though. Cause I know I'll never meet any man who looks like that. So sad it makes me wanna go to my bedroom and cry.
And use my own tears as lube.
EDIT: Is it p33n or cup bulge? I want to believe that it's p33n.
Labels: becks, masturbate and cry, peen
WITH THE STARS!
NBA All-star arrests? Pssh. I know what people want.
The entire list can be found here. But former models, Heather "crazy peg leg ho" Mills, ex-boy band members, and Steve Sanders mean jack shit to me.
What I came here for is the athletes. I was rooting for Emmit throughout the whole of the last season and I loved watching Jerry Rice and Evander Holyfield the seasons before.
I think this season will defiantly bring some quality entertainment to the table with Apolo Anton Ohno and Clyde Drexler filling the athlete spots. Ohno probably won't be anything too exciting. You know he'll be good with all that fancy footwork what with all that speed skating that kid does. (And he fills in the spot for adorable, am I right ladies?) But Clyde Drexler? I think we have found the GGS favorite.
Clyde the Glide for Dancing with the Stars champion!
On Monday nights just be sure to use your free hand to pick up the phone and vote for him. Unless of course you want a member of Phi Slama Jama to lose to the "star" who sang 'Achy Breaky Heart.' And if that's how you feel may you rot in hell, sir. Or ma'am.
If this post doesn't prove my (sports loving) womanhood, I don't know what will. Well, besides titty pics...
Labels: dumb television, nba, random
No, he isn't having Tom Brady's baby, and no he didn't shave his head this past weekend. But he is showing up on my flavored water.
I popped into my local Big Lots to pick up some stuff that I really have no use for and found my favorite water for the bargain price of $1. And to my surprise and excitement my 3rd favorite Canadian is on the bottle (the 1st being Ryan Reynolds, the second being Ryan Gosling mmmmm).
I popped into my local Big Lots to pick up some stuff that I really have no use for and found my favorite water for the bargain price of $1. And to my surprise and excitement my 3rd favorite Canadian is on the bottle (the 1st being Ryan Reynolds, the second being Ryan Gosling mmmmm).
(yes, that's my bottle of water and my copy of the entire series of "1st and 10" (behind it) on DVD which was also purchased at big lots)
I love when athletes sponsor shit. Because of Troy Aikman I use Acme Brick. When I discovered cracks in my foundation I, of course, turned to Olshan foundation repair thanks to Nolan Ryan. I switched my cell phone coverage to Sprint due to the laser rocket arm himself. And although my Viagra comes from across the border and not a pharmacist, I was still convinced to try it after seeing Rafael Palmeiro's commercial.
Nash's role as the water boy is at least a noble one. It's for an effort to create safe water supplies in developing countries around the world blah blah blah. And if you go to the Clearly Canadian website they have some prizes and stuff.
The hoser water should give me the grand prize for just talking about it.
I don't think there is any flavored water in that man's system in that picture...
And in other greasy Canadian news: Nash should be back for Tuesday night's game. After testing his shoulder in practice on Monday he hopes to return for Tuesday night's game against (fellow crazy hair) Chris Kaman and the clippers. "Steve looked great," Creepy D'Antoni said. "His legs looked great." D'Antoni better be glad his sweet legs Nash is coming back. They are 4 games behind my Mavs.
Labels: flavored water, Nash, nba, random
BARKLEY VERSUS BAVETTA: THE FALL SEEN ROUND THE WORLD
0 Comments Published by mandy on 2/19/2007 at 01:09.
You've probably already seen this video, but I'm posting it on the off-chance that you missed it. Cuz it's totally worth a viewing. For those of you not up on the backstory, here you go. Basically Sir Charles challenged aging NBA ref Dick Bavetta to a footrace and once Dick heard about the challenge, it was totally ON. And where better to hold a race between a 67 year-old man and an out of shape former basketball player? The NBA All-Star game of course.
Fast forward to about the 6 minute mark if you just want to catch the action. That Charles Barkley is a cheater and a show off. But I'm glad Dick Bavetta was able to embrace Barkley and totally stick it to Tim Hardaway in the end.
Via Deadspin.
Elsewhere in the All-Star Game...Shaq, Lebron, and Dwight Howard have quite the dance-off. Impressive.
Labels: barkley, bavetta, dwight howard, lebron, nba, shaq, tomfoolery
MY UNDYING HATRED FOR THE FEMALE SPORTS COMMENTATOR
2 Comments Published by mandy on 2/18/2007 at 23:04.
If there's one thing I hate about watching the Dallas Mavericks on local TV, it's definitely not the surprising Rick Astley-like quality of Mark Followill's voice or his repeated use of the phrase "silky smooth" to describe players' shots - no, it's Gina Miller.
Now, I do have to admit that I get some moderate amusement from watching her interaction with Derek Harper. It's a lot like watching the old SNL Point/Counterpoint Weekend Update sketches with Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd. Derek never actually comes out and says "Gina, you ignorant slut," but it's pretty obvious that he loathes this bitch every bit as much as I do. Gina asks the players her typical fluff questions from the sidelines and then spends the post-game show with her face buried in her stat sheets. Derek, on the other hand, brings a little experience and insight to the proceedings and sans stat sheets he condescendingly corrects Gina throughout the show. I get the feeling that by the end of it he's ready to rip that stack of papers right out of her hands and smack her across the face with them, or better yet, give her a paper cut deep enough to slit her stupid throat. Or at least that's what I want to do. Every time I hear him utter "actually Gina..." or "well, if you were watching the game..." I smile and laugh a knowing little laugh to myself. I should really just make a drinking game out of it.
All of this just brings me to my larger question - why is it so hard to find competent female sportscasters or at least find female sportscasters that don't make me want to punch them in the face every time they come onscreen? Now we here at GGS are all for having female sports commentators - we are women after all - just not the dolts they've got on the sidelines now. Off the top of my head, the only women commentators who don't make me denounce feminism and declare that women should not be allowed to talk about sports are the ladies of tennis - Mary Carillo, Mary Joe Fernandez, et al and basketball's Cheryl Miller (or "Regina" as she is known to Lauren.)
These women are all, not surprisingly, former athletes. I guess that's what it takes to speak intelligently about sports as a woman on TV. You may have other additions to this list, but keep in mind - I don't care. You may want to defend Gina Miller's sports credentials (According to her bio, she interned with the Rockets and won a championship ring with them back in the 90s. Whatever that means. I'm a blogger, not a journalist. I don't do research. I have no idea.), but keep in mind - I don't care. You may ask what gives me the right to talk about sports as a woman? Well, let me point you to my illustrious basketball career. Yeah, that's right, they called me Mandy Jordan, now let's move on.
There are only 2 qualities that I demand from a female sports announcer, that she a.) be able to speak competently about the sport that she is covering, and if this is not possible, that she at least b.) is hot. I don't even ask that she be both. I happen to be, but I don't hold everyone to the same high standards I hold myself accountable to. It just wouldn't be fair.
In regards to requirement a.), I just mean that she should be able to ask the appropriate questions of players, have a clear knowledge of the game and the players, and y'know maybe bring a little something to the discussion and not look completely out of place like most lady sportscasters do. In regards to requirement b.) I mean hot, not "newscaster hot." Because regardless of what a drunken Joe Namath may lead you to believe, Suzy Kolber is not hot and has never before or again inspired such a reaction from a man drunk or sober. And Michele Tafoya should never be viewed on HDTV. The people who seem to think these ladies are attractive are the same people who try and convince you that Katie Couric is cute and perky. She is neither of these things. She is a dead, lifeless whore and the reason men watch her on the Today Show is so their morning wood can subside and they can go to work respectably - not because she is attractive or perky. Someone needs to put a red-blooded American male in charge of hiring these broads because it seems like Prince Charles or George Bush Sr. has been hand selecting these old maids.
So without further adieu, here is a short list of the ladies I'd like to see in front of the sports lens. Your comments and suggestions are by all means welcome:
1. Joumana Kidd
Sexy and crazy. A terrible combination for relationships, as Jason Kidd will tell you, but a perfect combination for TV. She may not be allowed at the Nets home games, but she can certainly embarrass and emasculate Jason Kidd at away games or just manage to interject tidbits about him while doing commentary on any game. I can just picture her courtside at a Miami Heat game praising Dwyane Wade and saying how she wished Jason had that kind of talent and how she wished she'd married a winner like D-Wade and not a half-breed loser like Jason. Then she'd fill in any silences with stories of how Jason kicked her until there was blood in her urine or how small his penis is. Not only would this make for awesome commentary, it'd also make for a very quick divorce settlement. Seriously Joumana, jump on it. And I want a 10% cut on your TV deal and the divorce payout since it was my idea.
2. Gisele Bundchen
I never really know what this bitch is saying, but does it really matter to anyone when you look like this? She's Tom Brady's girlfriend, so maybe she could share some embarrassing personal stories about him to at least humanize the guy and make him seem a little less perfect and a little less hatable. Or if that fails, she could always get a pointer or two about emasculation from Joumana. Or better yet, a torrid Tom Brady-Gisele-Bridget Moynahan love triangle could unfold right before our eyes on Monday Night Football. Kind of like Desperate Housewives, but on Monday and less gay.
3. Lisa Leslie
OK Lisa, are you ever gonna get back on the court? If you're not gonna play, I at least want you commentating. Seriously, earn your keep in my eyes. It's not like you have anything better to do like raise a child. (And yes, I know she's done it before, but I want her back.)
4. Scarlett Johansson
Other than the huge rack, I've never really understood the appeal of ScarJo,
but men, particularly sports bloggers, seem to think she's pretty hot shit. But why a sportscaster you ask? Whatever it take to keep this manly-voiced, one-note actress off the big screen. How many times can you play the same character you played in Lost in Translation? I've never seen anyone so devoid of talent make such a career out of big tits and a pouty mouth Well, no one who is opposed to taking her clothes off for money that is. Hey, remember when Woody Allen used to have talented muses and make good movies? Yeah, that was awesome.
5. Elisha Cuthbert
She's hot, she dates Sean Avery, and she's even got her own hockey blog over on NHL.com. And if there's one thing I've learned from this website, it's that blogging about something totally makes you an authority on it. However, due to her propensity towards wearing see-through shirts, she might not be hirable at ESPN.
And yes, I totally left Eva Longoria off this list on purpose. I see enough of her mug already. And the last thing I want to hear about for 2 hours is her cooing over Tony Parker or talking about their wedding invitations.
Now, I do have to admit that I get some moderate amusement from watching her interaction with Derek Harper. It's a lot like watching the old SNL Point/Counterpoint Weekend Update sketches with Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd. Derek never actually comes out and says "Gina, you ignorant slut," but it's pretty obvious that he loathes this bitch every bit as much as I do. Gina asks the players her typical fluff questions from the sidelines and then spends the post-game show with her face buried in her stat sheets. Derek, on the other hand, brings a little experience and insight to the proceedings and sans stat sheets he condescendingly corrects Gina throughout the show. I get the feeling that by the end of it he's ready to rip that stack of papers right out of her hands and smack her across the face with them, or better yet, give her a paper cut deep enough to slit her stupid throat. Or at least that's what I want to do. Every time I hear him utter "actually Gina..." or "well, if you were watching the game..." I smile and laugh a knowing little laugh to myself. I should really just make a drinking game out of it.
All of this just brings me to my larger question - why is it so hard to find competent female sportscasters or at least find female sportscasters that don't make me want to punch them in the face every time they come onscreen? Now we here at GGS are all for having female sports commentators - we are women after all - just not the dolts they've got on the sidelines now. Off the top of my head, the only women commentators who don't make me denounce feminism and declare that women should not be allowed to talk about sports are the ladies of tennis - Mary Carillo, Mary Joe Fernandez, et al and basketball's Cheryl Miller (or "Regina" as she is known to Lauren.)
These women are all, not surprisingly, former athletes. I guess that's what it takes to speak intelligently about sports as a woman on TV. You may have other additions to this list, but keep in mind - I don't care. You may want to defend Gina Miller's sports credentials (According to her bio, she interned with the Rockets and won a championship ring with them back in the 90s. Whatever that means. I'm a blogger, not a journalist. I don't do research. I have no idea.), but keep in mind - I don't care. You may ask what gives me the right to talk about sports as a woman? Well, let me point you to my illustrious basketball career. Yeah, that's right, they called me Mandy Jordan, now let's move on.
There are only 2 qualities that I demand from a female sports announcer, that she a.) be able to speak competently about the sport that she is covering, and if this is not possible, that she at least b.) is hot. I don't even ask that she be both. I happen to be, but I don't hold everyone to the same high standards I hold myself accountable to. It just wouldn't be fair.
In regards to requirement a.), I just mean that she should be able to ask the appropriate questions of players, have a clear knowledge of the game and the players, and y'know maybe bring a little something to the discussion and not look completely out of place like most lady sportscasters do. In regards to requirement b.) I mean hot, not "newscaster hot." Because regardless of what a drunken Joe Namath may lead you to believe, Suzy Kolber is not hot and has never before or again inspired such a reaction from a man drunk or sober. And Michele Tafoya should never be viewed on HDTV. The people who seem to think these ladies are attractive are the same people who try and convince you that Katie Couric is cute and perky. She is neither of these things. She is a dead, lifeless whore and the reason men watch her on the Today Show is so their morning wood can subside and they can go to work respectably - not because she is attractive or perky. Someone needs to put a red-blooded American male in charge of hiring these broads because it seems like Prince Charles or George Bush Sr. has been hand selecting these old maids.
So without further adieu, here is a short list of the ladies I'd like to see in front of the sports lens. Your comments and suggestions are by all means welcome:
1. Joumana Kidd
Sexy and crazy. A terrible combination for relationships, as Jason Kidd will tell you, but a perfect combination for TV. She may not be allowed at the Nets home games, but she can certainly embarrass and emasculate Jason Kidd at away games or just manage to interject tidbits about him while doing commentary on any game. I can just picture her courtside at a Miami Heat game praising Dwyane Wade and saying how she wished Jason had that kind of talent and how she wished she'd married a winner like D-Wade and not a half-breed loser like Jason. Then she'd fill in any silences with stories of how Jason kicked her until there was blood in her urine or how small his penis is. Not only would this make for awesome commentary, it'd also make for a very quick divorce settlement. Seriously Joumana, jump on it. And I want a 10% cut on your TV deal and the divorce payout since it was my idea.2. Gisele Bundchen
I never really know what this bitch is saying, but does it really matter to anyone when you look like this? She's Tom Brady's girlfriend, so maybe she could share some embarrassing personal stories about him to at least humanize the guy and make him seem a little less perfect and a little less hatable. Or if that fails, she could always get a pointer or two about emasculation from Joumana. Or better yet, a torrid Tom Brady-Gisele-Bridget Moynahan love triangle could unfold right before our eyes on Monday Night Football. Kind of like Desperate Housewives, but on Monday and less gay.
3. Lisa Leslie
OK Lisa, are you ever gonna get back on the court? If you're not gonna play, I at least want you commentating. Seriously, earn your keep in my eyes. It's not like you have anything better to do like raise a child. (And yes, I know she's done it before, but I want her back.)
4. Scarlett Johansson
Other than the huge rack, I've never really understood the appeal of ScarJo,but men, particularly sports bloggers, seem to think she's pretty hot shit. But why a sportscaster you ask? Whatever it take to keep this manly-voiced, one-note actress off the big screen. How many times can you play the same character you played in Lost in Translation? I've never seen anyone so devoid of talent make such a career out of big tits and a pouty mouth Well, no one who is opposed to taking her clothes off for money that is. Hey, remember when Woody Allen used to have talented muses and make good movies? Yeah, that was awesome.
5. Elisha Cuthbert
She's hot, she dates Sean Avery, and she's even got her own hockey blog over on NHL.com. And if there's one thing I've learned from this website, it's that blogging about something totally makes you an authority on it. However, due to her propensity towards wearing see-through shirts, she might not be hirable at ESPN.
And yes, I totally left Eva Longoria off this list on purpose. I see enough of her mug already. And the last thing I want to hear about for 2 hours is her cooing over Tony Parker or talking about their wedding invitations.
Labels: rants
Apparently the NBA All-Star game is the new TRL, providing you photobooth pictures of all your favorite athletes:
How precious. My favorite? Steve Nash. Like a totally creepy stop motion film.
Via Mavs Moneyball. See the rest there. Oh, and you can actually buy them.
Labels: nba
TIM "I WON'T PLAY WITH NO GAY" HARDAWAY KICKED OUTTA ALL-STAR WEEKEND
1 Comments Published by lauren on 2/15/2007 at 23:16.
NBA commissioner David Stern has kicked the former Miami Heat star out of all-star weekend.
He was set to be an assistant coach at a wheelchair game and do some other stuff in Vegas until Stern let him know he was uninvited. "We removed him from representing us because we didn't think his comments were consistent with having anything to do with us" said Stern.
This comes after Hardaway's spokeswhore issued an apology statement that wasn't really an apology and more of a "oh shit time to clean this mess up" statement.
"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause...I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago...I regret any embarrassment I have caused..."
Hardaway on bottom
John Amaechi had this to say about him:
"It [his remarks] has made it tangibly less safe for gays and lesbians throughout the country, because he has polluted the atmosphere with hatred."
All Hardaway has done to me is add fuel to the fire that is my strong dislike for the Miami Heat organization. I mean, I'm not shocked someone had comments like that to make, but man I really don't like the Heat. Like really, really don't like them. Seriously, the reasons I don't like them could go on and on but for now I will spare you. But congratulations Tim Hardaway! You just made it to the top of the list. Knocking the former #1 spot, how annoying it is to me that their fans wear white to the games, down to #2. You're a real winner Tim.
Hardaway Banished for Anti-Gay Remarks
Amaechi 'Not Surprised' by Hardaway Anti-Gay Comments
He was set to be an assistant coach at a wheelchair game and do some other stuff in Vegas until Stern let him know he was uninvited. "We removed him from representing us because we didn't think his comments were consistent with having anything to do with us" said Stern.
This comes after Hardaway's spokeswhore issued an apology statement that wasn't really an apology and more of a "oh shit time to clean this mess up" statement.
"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause...I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago...I regret any embarrassment I have caused..."
Hardaway on bottom
John Amaechi had this to say about him:
"It [his remarks] has made it tangibly less safe for gays and lesbians throughout the country, because he has polluted the atmosphere with hatred."
All Hardaway has done to me is add fuel to the fire that is my strong dislike for the Miami Heat organization. I mean, I'm not shocked someone had comments like that to make, but man I really don't like the Heat. Like really, really don't like them. Seriously, the reasons I don't like them could go on and on but for now I will spare you. But congratulations Tim Hardaway! You just made it to the top of the list. Knocking the former #1 spot, how annoying it is to me that their fans wear white to the games, down to #2. You're a real winner Tim.
Hardaway Banished for Anti-Gay Remarks
Amaechi 'Not Surprised' by Hardaway Anti-Gay Comments
Posted on Deadspin was this gem:
Upon viewing, Mandy and I had this to say:
L: Romo should be in the audience at a Carrie Underwood concert.
M: More like Romo should be IN Carrie Underwood. Heh heh heh heh.
L: Heh heh heh.
(10 minutes of immature snickering)
L: Poor Ryan Cabrera. No one wants you on stage.
What You See After You Hang Out With The Gonzaga Basketball Team
Tony Romo and Mr. Belding Singing...
Upon viewing, Mandy and I had this to say:
L: Romo should be in the audience at a Carrie Underwood concert.
M: More like Romo should be IN Carrie Underwood. Heh heh heh heh.
L: Heh heh heh.
(10 minutes of immature snickering)
L: Poor Ryan Cabrera. No one wants you on stage.
What You See After You Hang Out With The Gonzaga Basketball Team
Tony Romo and Mr. Belding Singing...
Labels: hilarity, random, romo, youtube goodness
We here at GGS normally abhor Valentine's Day. The gifts are usually stupid, we get them just so the guy we're with can get laid, and there is no thought involved.
That is until we received this text message from Jeff Reed. His crude Photoshop skills show that he obviously spent A LOT of time on this. Clearly his love for Girls Gone Sports is real. Now tell us Jeff - how the fuck did you get our phone numbers?
But anyways, yes Jeff WE WILL BE YOURS.
P.S. ~ In case you didn't notice, we are currently in the process of revamping our site. Much thanks to the very sexy Tiffany. We would have much preferred to get her Valentine's Day n00dz over Jeff's.
- Mandauren
You may remember the douchebaggery that is Jason Itzler, or perhaps you don't. For those of you unfamiliar with him, he's basically the male version of Heidi Fleiss. He used to run the famed NY Confidential escort service before it was raided by the fuzz and he was sent off to Rikers Island. Well, he's fresh out of the clink and his first stop this morning was a call-in to The Opie & Anthony Show radio program.
Jason's pretty much the most annoying fucktard on earth, so Opie and Anthony tried to make the interview worthwhile by getting him to name-drop one of his celebrity clients who used to frequent NY Confidential. Jason left us with these helpful hints: one of his former clients is a famous New York area quarterback with a brother who may have been in the Super Bowl recently. Which makes this almost as mysterious as this blind item.
Listen to it on XM or I'll post the audio if/when O&A has it up on their site.
Jason's pretty much the most annoying fucktard on earth, so Opie and Anthony tried to make the interview worthwhile by getting him to name-drop one of his celebrity clients who used to frequent NY Confidential. Jason left us with these helpful hints: one of his former clients is a famous New York area quarterback with a brother who may have been in the Super Bowl recently. Which makes this almost as mysterious as this blind item.
Listen to it on XM or I'll post the audio if/when O&A has it up on their site.
Labels: not so blind items
No, this isn't our actual site or at least not the finished product, but welcome anyways. We're still working on the whole designing and hosting part of it and we hope to have our actual launch in a week or two. But just because our technical staff we aren't up to speed doesn't mean professional athletes are going to stop getting drunk, having sex with prostitutes, or getting arrested. So if anything interesting happens in the interim between now and go time you'll find it here. We'll let you know when we are up and running. Or you'll just figure it out because the site won't look like this anymore.
