You may have seen other sites touting their mock drafts in preparation for the 2007 NFL draft, but we here at GGS are known for a much more in-depth type of NFL research and analysis. As such, we will be conducting not a mock draft, but a cock draft. So ladies and gentlemen welcome to the first inaugural Girls Gone Sports 2007 NFL Cock Draft.
In the cock draft we don't care about a player's size (except for what's between their legs), skill (except for how they perform between the sheets), or their positions (except the sexual ones). The draft field is full of players fresh out of college, ready to make headlines as criminals, to father illegitimate children, to take pictures of their penises with camera phones, or to punch the occasional stripper. We've tried to cull the very best to create a superteam consisting of hotties, felons, and people we think will be amusing in the years to come. The cock draft rules are as follows:
Other than that there is pretty much no rhyme or reason to this draft. Lauren and I acted as the GMs (the giant mammaries) and we totally disregarded the serpentine and pretty much every other facet of the draft that makes it a draft.
JOSH SWOGGER
QB. Montana . 6'4" 237 lbs.
He's just really fucking hot and his last name rhymes with blogger, which pretty much means that we are meant to be. At least that's our logic.
BRIAN WINGERT
Kicker. Northern Iowa. 6'1" 186 lbs.
He's hot and he's a kicker. We're drafting him because that combination means odds are we're going to end up seeing his penis. Which is something we wholeheartedly endorse.
DEMARCUS "TANK" TYLER
Defensive Tackle/Nose Tackle. North Carolina State. 6'2" 323 lbs.
We're recruiting him to replace Tank Johnson as Roger Goodell will probably be suspending him in the near future. Plus we like people with the name Tank. And we like making fun of fatties. Truffle shuffle Tank, truffle shuffle.
DREW STANTON
QB. Michigan State. 6'3" 235 lbs.
Hot. Moving on.
BRADY QUINN
QB. Notre Dame. 6'4" 240 lbs.
Statistically one of the best quarterbacks ever to play at Notre Dame. Also statiscally one of the hottest quarterbacks in the 2007 draft.
QUINN PITCOCK
Defensive Tackle. Ohio State. 6'3" 301 lbs.
His last name is Pitcock. C'mon.... the possibilities are endless. Y'know you wanna hear marble-mouth Madden try and spew his name out. He'll probably end up calling him cock tip at least once on Sunday Night Football.
JOE NEWTON
Tight End. Oregon State. 6'6" 256 lbs.
He's a tight end with a tight end. Believe me, we spent a lot of time studying photos of his ass in uniform. Time very well spent.
DAN MOZES
Center/Guard. West Virginia. 6'2" 230 lbs.
He's from West Virginia. The same school that brought you such upstanding citizens as Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. He may look like he should be in glee club, but fool is bound to be a badass motherfucker. Roger Goodell ain't seen nothing yet. We predict a headline containing the words "Dan Mozes," "decapitates" and "stripper" in his future.
CHRIS LEAK
QB/Running Back. Florida. 5'11" 210 lbs.
He plays multiple positions. Kind of like Kordell "The Slash" Stewart, but less gay. Or is he?
TOBY KORRODI
QB. Central Missouri. 6'3" 234 lbs.
Toby: "Girls, for the last time my name's Kunta Kinte."
Lauren and Mandy: *cracks whip* "Your name is Toby. I want to hear you say it. Your name is Toby. You're going to learn to say your name. Let me hear you say it. What's your name?"
Toby: "Kunta. Kunta Kinte."
Lauren and Mandy: *cracks whip* "When the master gives you something you take it. We gave you a name. It's a nice name. It's Toby. And it will be your name til the day you die. Now we want to hear you say your name. What's your name?" *cracks whip*
Toby: "It's Toby."
RORY JOHNSON
Outside Linebacker. Mississippi. 6'1" 237 lbs.
We're diggin' the last name, but "Rory" as a first name for a big, burly linebacker? I don't think so. Rory is a name for a lily white Gilmore Girl, not a giant black linebacker. We are drafting you solely to rename you. *cracks whip* "What's your name Toby?"
CHRIS HENRY
Running Back. Arizona. 6'0" 228 lbs.
His name is Chris Henry. And much like the other Chris Henry, he looks like trouble. Time to double the amount of felons in the NFL named Chris Henry. Imagine how confusing that would be. Whenever you hear "Chris Henry arrested" instead of just saying "Figures." you'll be saying "Figures. Which one?"
STEWART BRADLEY
Outside Linebacker/Defensive End. Nebraska. 6'4" 256 lbs.
Check out this nappy-headed ho. He looks kinda like Napoleon Dynamite sans the glasses and the high-waisted pants. But he has hot potential. We're drafting him and making him cut that monstrosity. *cracks whip*
JOHN BECK
QB. Brigham Young. 6'3" 234 lbs.
Hot and Mormon. Which makes it totally acceptable for him to marry the both of us. And why should the NCAA get to bogart all the polygamy stories?
DAN BAZUIN
Defensive End. Central Michigan, 6'3" 265 lbs.
Hot and vaguely reminiscent of Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys. Backstreet's back, alright!
WILLIS BARRINGER
Free Safety/Special Teams. Michigan. 5'10" 211 lbs.
Whenever you speak to us we'll just reply "Watchu talkin' bout Willis?" and we'll laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Cuz that's never not funny.
JESSE ALLEN
Wide Receiver. Virginia Tech. 6'0" 247 lbs.
Two words: mustache rides.
Wow, um...looking back we realized that perhaps these weren't the smartest picks. We drafted 6 quarterbacks, no punter, 1 wide receiver and practically no offensive line or defense. Looks like some of our players are going to need to learn some new positions *cracks whip* We're about as qualified to participate in a draft as Matt Millen. Except we have big boobs, which makes us about 100% more qualified.
In the cock draft we don't care about a player's size (except for what's between their legs), skill (except for how they perform between the sheets), or their positions (except the sexual ones). The draft field is full of players fresh out of college, ready to make headlines as criminals, to father illegitimate children, to take pictures of their penises with camera phones, or to punch the occasional stripper. We've tried to cull the very best to create a superteam consisting of hotties, felons, and people we think will be amusing in the years to come. The cock draft rules are as follows:
Other than that there is pretty much no rhyme or reason to this draft. Lauren and I acted as the GMs (the giant mammaries) and we totally disregarded the serpentine and pretty much every other facet of the draft that makes it a draft.
JOSH SWOGGERQB. Montana . 6'4" 237 lbs.
He's just really fucking hot and his last name rhymes with blogger, which pretty much means that we are meant to be. At least that's our logic.
BRIAN WINGERTKicker. Northern Iowa. 6'1" 186 lbs.
He's hot and he's a kicker. We're drafting him because that combination means odds are we're going to end up seeing his penis. Which is something we wholeheartedly endorse.
DEMARCUS "TANK" TYLER Defensive Tackle/Nose Tackle. North Carolina State. 6'2" 323 lbs.
We're recruiting him to replace Tank Johnson as Roger Goodell will probably be suspending him in the near future. Plus we like people with the name Tank. And we like making fun of fatties. Truffle shuffle Tank, truffle shuffle.
DREW STANTONQB. Michigan State. 6'3" 235 lbs.
Hot. Moving on.
BRADY QUINNQB. Notre Dame. 6'4" 240 lbs.
Statistically one of the best quarterbacks ever to play at Notre Dame. Also statiscally one of the hottest quarterbacks in the 2007 draft.
QUINN PITCOCKDefensive Tackle. Ohio State. 6'3" 301 lbs.
His last name is Pitcock. C'mon.... the possibilities are endless. Y'know you wanna hear marble-mouth Madden try and spew his name out. He'll probably end up calling him cock tip at least once on Sunday Night Football.
JOE NEWTONTight End. Oregon State. 6'6" 256 lbs.
He's a tight end with a tight end. Believe me, we spent a lot of time studying photos of his ass in uniform. Time very well spent.
DAN MOZESCenter/Guard. West Virginia. 6'2" 230 lbs.
He's from West Virginia. The same school that brought you such upstanding citizens as Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. He may look like he should be in glee club, but fool is bound to be a badass motherfucker. Roger Goodell ain't seen nothing yet. We predict a headline containing the words "Dan Mozes," "decapitates" and "stripper" in his future.
CHRIS LEAKQB/Running Back. Florida. 5'11" 210 lbs.
He plays multiple positions. Kind of like Kordell "The Slash" Stewart, but less gay. Or is he?
TOBY KORRODIQB. Central Missouri. 6'3" 234 lbs.
Toby: "Girls, for the last time my name's Kunta Kinte."
Lauren and Mandy: *cracks whip* "Your name is Toby. I want to hear you say it. Your name is Toby. You're going to learn to say your name. Let me hear you say it. What's your name?"
Toby: "Kunta. Kunta Kinte."
Lauren and Mandy: *cracks whip* "When the master gives you something you take it. We gave you a name. It's a nice name. It's Toby. And it will be your name til the day you die. Now we want to hear you say your name. What's your name?" *cracks whip*
Toby: "It's Toby."
RORY JOHNSONOutside Linebacker. Mississippi. 6'1" 237 lbs.
We're diggin' the last name, but "Rory" as a first name for a big, burly linebacker? I don't think so. Rory is a name for a lily white Gilmore Girl, not a giant black linebacker. We are drafting you solely to rename you. *cracks whip* "What's your name Toby?"
CHRIS HENRYRunning Back. Arizona. 6'0" 228 lbs.
His name is Chris Henry. And much like the other Chris Henry, he looks like trouble. Time to double the amount of felons in the NFL named Chris Henry. Imagine how confusing that would be. Whenever you hear "Chris Henry arrested" instead of just saying "Figures." you'll be saying "Figures. Which one?"
STEWART BRADLEYOutside Linebacker/Defensive End. Nebraska. 6'4" 256 lbs.
Check out this nappy-headed ho. He looks kinda like Napoleon Dynamite sans the glasses and the high-waisted pants. But he has hot potential. We're drafting him and making him cut that monstrosity. *cracks whip*
JOHN BECKQB. Brigham Young. 6'3" 234 lbs.
Hot and Mormon. Which makes it totally acceptable for him to marry the both of us. And why should the NCAA get to bogart all the polygamy stories?
DAN BAZUINDefensive End. Central Michigan, 6'3" 265 lbs.
Hot and vaguely reminiscent of Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys. Backstreet's back, alright!
WILLIS BARRINGERFree Safety/Special Teams. Michigan. 5'10" 211 lbs.
Whenever you speak to us we'll just reply "Watchu talkin' bout Willis?" and we'll laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Cuz that's never not funny.
JESSE ALLENWide Receiver. Virginia Tech. 6'0" 247 lbs.
Two words: mustache rides.
Wow, um...looking back we realized that perhaps these weren't the smartest picks. We drafted 6 quarterbacks, no punter, 1 wide receiver and practically no offensive line or defense. Looks like some of our players are going to need to learn some new positions *cracks whip* We're about as qualified to participate in a draft as Matt Millen. Except we have big boobs, which makes us about 100% more qualified.
I am in love with your boobs. and popsicle eating skills.
I would most definitely agree on that your qualifications are much, much, much more impressive than Matt "Fuck it up" Millen.
Fantastic website. Read the whole thing yesterday. And feeling very secure with myself even with all the peen. Keep it up...*snicker*..
Hi-larious.
I think Millen has boobs. but yours look better.
MMMMMMMMMM popsicles. And yes, Millen does sport sweater meat, but obviously it's no comparison.
Mandy and Lauren, I think that since now you guys are celebrity bloggers, you should have a stable of fans that send in pics (possibly in a flickr set) ... I'll be the first to offer myself up as soon as I get home to my digicam.
I know I'm late to the party, but I think I speak for every male that reads this when I say: less cocks, more popsicles. kthxbai!
Mandy, I think I love you (sung to the tune of Wild Thing).